


Luke, you complete me(ss)

by ffairyy



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Band, Band Fic, Drummer Ashton, First Love, Fluff, Friendship, High School, M/M, Nerd Luke, Sad Luke, minor mental health issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-09
Updated: 2015-07-12
Packaged: 2018-02-20 11:30:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 46,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2427086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ffairyy/pseuds/ffairyy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke and his best friends were a band.<br/>Well...at least that's what they were trying to be.<br/>One day they decided that they needed a drummer to be complete and from the day Luke first met Ashton, he looked up to him.<br/>It only took him a little bit of time, some help from his friends and one unexpected incident at Ashtons birthday party to make him realize that this feeling might be more than just admiration.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The new drummer

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This work is purely fictional. I wrote this for fun and for others to enjoy. I don't know any of the boys and I'm not claiming anything of this is true. It is pure fiction.
> 
> Addition/Warnings: There will be a few mentions of mental health issues and angsty feelings.  
> Another Warning: But also lots of fluff and many stupid lyric references, I'm sorry.

The silence in the room was uncomfortable. Because everyone expected the others to finally say out loud what they all were thinking. None of the boys was very good at making decisions or taking control. When it came to discussions, it was really just a big chaos in their little band of three.The problem wasn't only planning things or making decisions, the music they made was just as big of a chaos. And that was the problem they avoided to talk about for the last four minutes.

At the moment Luke decided, he'd be the one to break the silence, Calum started talking.  
“Look guys, it's not like we're not good enough....” but Luke interrupted him “We're shit, Calum, and you know that!” Calum and Michael just looked at him but they knew he was right. “Anyway, you're a great singer, Luke... and I like the things we do, but I think there are a few things that we need to change to...” and he got interrupted again, this time it was Michael and he just said out loud: “We need a fucking drummer, or we stay shit forever.” They all stared at him, but Luke was really glad that someone finally said it, because this topic really started to annoy him.  
“Do you agree, guys? I would like it better if it was only us three, but lets be honest, nobody would ever take us seriously.” the other boys just nodded.  
“Okay.” Calum said “has anyone got an idea where the hell we 're gonna find a drummer?”  
Luke hadn't. He was already more than happy and a bit confused about the fact, that he somehow managed to find these two friends. Then Michael said: “I know a guy from our school who plays the drums, but I have no idea how he is...”  
“Well, we'll probably have to find out, because Luke and me don't have such cool connections.” Calum mocked him.  
“Shut up, at least I'm trying here.” Michael made a pout until his friend apologized.  
“Okay, then that's the plan? Ask that guy if he wants to join our band and if he says no...”  
“If he says no, Luke will have to learn the drums.” Michael grinned. “Imagine him sitting behind some drums with his guitar on his lap and singing...”  
Calum started to laugh. “Do you wanna take my bass, too?” he asked.  
“Why me? Why can't Michael learn the drums?” Luke wanted to know.  
“He's too busy looking so damn good.” Calum said and earned a clap on the back of his head.

A few days later, Michael finally told them how his conversation with the guy he knew went.  
“His name is Ashton and he seems like a nice guy and he'd want to join, if we liked his drumming.” You could tell he was really proud of himself.  
“Yes!” Calum shouted and Luke couldn't hold back a big smile either. He just really hoped that guy was okay and wouldn't ruin the thing the three of them had.  
It may not be a real band, but it was everything Luke had and there was no way he could loose that.  
“What now?” he asked.  
“He gave me his address and we'll meet him there Friday after school. He said his drums are in his garage and he even said we could practise there, if he joins the band.” 

Wow, that's nearly too good to be true. Was it really that easy?

 _Please don't be a douche_ , Luke thought by himself.

 

On Friday all of them were excited and couldn't wait to get out of school. The classes seemed to last forever and every minute was longer than the last, but somehow they reached the end of the day.  
Ashtons house wasn't far away from the streets they were living in and it didn't even take them 15 Minutes to find it. As they walked towards it, Luke got more nervous. He was always pretty shy when he met new people and he hated that, but thank god Calum and Michael were with him.  
And they rang the doorbell.

Nothing.  
They rang another time and then Luke heard footsteps coming closer and the door was opened.  
In front of them stood a young man, maybe one or two years older than themselves and he had a big smile on his face.  
 _Wow_ , Luke thought.

He was pretty... err... good looking. The guy was hot to be fair.  
Well, for a guy.  
The first thing Luke noticed was his cool style. He looked so much cooler then him. With his bandana and his ripped skinny jeans he had a really unique style and Luke just wondered how? How could someone be so handsome? His curly hair had the most beautiful caramel colour and his dimples made his face light up even more, while he smiled at them.  
Luke was delighted that nobody asked him to talk, because he really wasn't sure if he could without embarrassing himself at that moment.  
“Hi guys!” Ashton said, still smiling brightly.  
“Hey..” all of them said at the same time, like some awkward children choir.

“So, you're Michael, I kinda know you... I'm Ashton. And you guys are..?” He shook Michaels hand a bit too formal and then looked at the other two boys.  
“I'm Calum.”  
“And I'm Luke.” Thank god he didn't stutter. “Michael, Calum and Luke... okay... come in, Michael, Calum and Luke.” He held the door wide open and the guys walked in. It was a small house, but it was lovely. It wasn't super clean, there were some toys lying around and Luke assumed that Ashton had a little sibling. There were many pictures and Drawings on the walls and some stairs led to the second floor.

“Do you guys want to drink something?” Ashton asked from another room, probably the kitchen.  
“We have exactly four bottles of beer if you'd like that, but we also have coke and water and...”  
“I'll have a beer please.” Calum. Why the hell did he like beer so much?  
“Me too.” Michael said, even though Luke was pretty sure he only wanted to be cool, too.  
“Yeah, me too.” Luke agreed and he just hoped so much that the boys would just let it be, but of course Michael started to mock him immediately. “But don't tell his parents. He's only 17!”  
Luke felt the blood rise into his head faster than he could wait for the other boys answer. This was so awkward. Should this really be the first thing that guy knew about him. That he was too young to drink? He only heard him laugh and take the bottles out of the fridge.  
“I promise I won't tell them, but you have to promise you don't tell my mum either! She doesn't like it when I drink.” Ashton whispered across the room and winked at Luke, who was just able to smile back like an idiot.

Luke came to the conclusion that that Ashton guy was nice. He could have easily made fun of him for being the youngest, but he didn't.  
Luke had to force himself to stop smiling like that because it probably just looked ridiculous.  
“By the way, how old are you guys?” the boy wanted to know, while giving each of them a bottle of beer. “Michael and me are 18, Luke's 17...how about you?”  
“I'm turning 20 soon. My birthday is in about three weeks” Ashton told them. “I'll show you the garage now if you want..” 

Then they left the house through the front door again and they watched Ashton open a huge garage door on the right side of the house.  
The inside looked pretty unspectacular, there wasn't even a car in it. Just some shelves with random stuff and lots of different junk. The best thing in it was definitely the big drumskit in the middle. Luke also noticed that there were some improvised sound dampers everywhere.  
“This is it. I know it's nothing special.” but he smiled at the instrument like he loved nothing more in the world. Luke couldn't take his eyes off this guy. Since Ashton opened the door earlier he just looked at him all the time.  
After they stood there for a short time, sipping on their beers, Michael said: “Now I really want to see what you've got.” Sounding a little bit cooler than he actually was.  
And Ashtons smile got even bigger, when he said: “Now you made me nervous.” while sitting down behind the instrument.  
Luke didn't even realize when or where he picked up his drumsticks, but there they were, in his hands like it was the only place they belonged to. “Oh, I need you to close the garage door, please. I forgot about that, the neighbours already hate me.” he laughed and looked at Luke while talking, so he assumed he should get the job done.  
Thank god he was the tallest out of them all, so he should have no problem, reaching the open door. With growing confidence he walked across the garage, when suddenly something hard hit his head and he kinda stumbled backwards.  
 _The fucking lamp._

“Ow.” He pressed his hand against his head and at the same time he felt it getting red again. From behind he heard some laughter and a worried voice. “Is everything okay? I'm sorry about that stupid thing. My father runs into it like every day!” Ashton said. Unlike his so called friends he didn't laugh at him. That's the good thing about people you only just met. They can't humiliate you yet, but your friends can. “It's okay.” Luke said and walked straight to the garage door, without turning around, because his face probably still showed how embarrassed he was. Luckily there weren't any other big failures and a few moments later the door was closed and everyone was waiting eagerly for Ashton to start playing.

And he did.

And Luke forgot about the pain in his head and the embarrassment, because seeing this guy beat the hell out of his drums was the best thing he'd seen in a long time.

The beat was a simple one, but catchy as hell and then suddenly there was a break and he changed the beat completely, it was now faster and way more energetic. The way that boy moved his whole body while drumming and the way his face looked was just too cool. He was so into it, it was amazing to watch. It seemed like the other boys stopped existing for him for a few moments and there was only him and his drums. He even had some pretty awsome little tricks with his drumsticks, which Luke just kinda watched and another time he wondered how...?

Luke didn't know very much about drums, but he knew that this guy was good at what he's doing.  
He also knew that he could have watched him do that forever, but the beat got back to normal and then there was the big finish which involved Ashton moving his hands faster than any of the boys could look and bringing his drum solo to an amazing end.  
When he was done he breathed heavily and smiled at the boys, expecting some feedback.  
“That was wicked!” Michael told him. “I mean, like, that was sooo cool!”  
Calum agreed with him “It would be so cool if we could have you in our band!” he said. Then everyone expected Luke to say something, too and he just didn't know how to put it into words without sounding completely stupid. “You're pretty good!” he finally said and it sounded way more casual than he meant it. But he couldn't have told him that he would pay good money just to see him drum for an hour or two. That would've definitely sounded creepy.  
“So what does that mean...?” Calum grinned “the jury seems to be convinced... do you really want to join our band?”  
“We can give it a try, right?” Ashton replied with that bright big smile on his face again.


	2. The First Band Practise

On Wednesday, the day of their first real band-practise, Luke sat in the kitchen extra early and ate his breakfast, when he told his mother about the new member in the group.   
She wanted to know if he's a nice guy and Luke said “Yeah, he's cool I guess... his name is Ashton and he's a really good drummer...”

“But don't forget that you're still going to school and that you've got some exams coming up this year.”

“Yeah, I know. It's only twice a week and I'll study, don't worry.” 

After hours and hours in school they finally sat together in front of Ashtons classroom, waiting for him to come out. And there he was, in a swarm of students, finding his way through to them and greeting them with a big smile. “Sorry you had to wait. Let's get out of here.” and the three of them shouldered their instruments. Calum and Ashton went in front and Michael and Luke followed them. Michael was talking about some new album he wanted to buy, but Luke just really wanted to know what Calum and Ashton were talking about. But he only heard a few scraps of their conversation. 

When they arrived at Ashtons house, Luke was glad to get his guitar off of his back, because that thing was heavy.   
A few silent moments passed and Ashton went into the house to get something to drink. When he came back, the guys had already set up their instruments and it seemed like he couldn't hold back his smile. “How do you wanna start?” he asked everybody around.   
They started to play some random notes and then Calum said: “We already wrote one or two songs...do you wanna hear them?” Ashtons eyes lit up as he nodded vigorously. “I   
need to hear them!”  
“Who of you is the singer by the way?” he wanted to know and Luke smiled a bit and said: “Mostly me, but those two as well.”  
“I can't wait to hear it.” Ashton answered.  
So they played a no-drums version of one of their songs and Luke was so nervous, he was shaking a bit, but soon he got that familiar feeling of getting lost in his music and he felt himself being more comfortable then anywhere else. As long as he had his guitar and a song to sing, he'd be happy.

“...You're just a little bit out of my limit...”

He sang that song about a girl who was just way too cool for him and how he wanted her so bad and not once did he look at Ashton, his silent listener, while he was singing.

“And it's almost over... Let's start this over.” He ended the song. It wasn't his best performance, but he was satisfied with it. At least he didn't fuck up the lyrics and his vocals weren't bad either. Luke knew he still needed lots of practise, but he'd also already come so far and singing was the only thing he was good at. It was his thing and nobody could take that away from him.  
As he realised that the garage turned completely silent, since he sang the last lines, he looked up. Even though he thought he did a good job, he felt nervous, waiting for Ashtons judgement.   
He looked at Ashton and Lukes heart raised its speed a little when he saw the expression on his face. It was an expression of admiration, his eyes wide open.   
“So, do you like it?” Calum asked out of nowhere and they watched a big smile build up on Ashtons face. “You know... I mostly joined the band to have some fun and because I thought it would be cool, you know? But now... Now I think this could actually become good! With this guy” he pointed directly towards Luke “this could become something big!” the smirk on his face somehow managed to get even bigger and the other boys started to laugh happily, but Luke couldn't really join in, because he still tried to process Ashtons words in his head.   
Did he really just say that? Did he just say, that he liked Lukes singing? That he thought it was good for something?  
“Look, you made him blush!” he heard Michael giggle and suddenly he felt the heat on his cheeks. Even though he knew he was probably as red as a tomato he denied “I'm not blushing!” it was ridiculous and the expression on the other boys faces made him sure about that, because they had to try so hard, not to burst out laughing. Hesitantly he looked over to the one who complimented him and found that he was already looking at Luke with a big guilty grin, which would have made him blush more, if there was any blood left in the rest of his body.   
“Okay now let's try it together!” Calum suggested and Ashton averted his gaze from Luke, to get behind his drums.

They played the same song again and again and their new drummer just tried his best to find a beat that fit. There were some suggestions and some tips, but mostly they just let their instruments guide the way and somehow it all came naturally, until they found a version they all agreed on. They sat there for a few hours but none of them seemed to notice, because they were so concentrated and they had so much fun. When the three of them were about to leave Ashtons garage, they couldn't believe it was already dark outside. 

“What the hell?” Michael burst out. “How long have we been here?” Ashton started to laugh, while Calum checked the time on his phone confused. “Guys, it's half past seven!”

“Oh my god.” Luke sighed and everyone laughed. They had been practising for four hours.

“Okay guys, I really need to go home now.” Calum said and the other two agreed. “See you on Friday!”

The next band practises went pretty much the same and Luke had to think of Ashtons words while he was singing his songs. They made him give his best, they made him want to do justice to them and they made him want to see that expression on Ashtons face again.

That admiration.

Because he couldn't remember that anyone had ever looked at him like that and he really wanted it to happen one more time. It was the first time, he felt like his singing really reached another person and didn't loose any of its weight on the way. 

He thought about Ashton a lot in general. About the way he kinda smiled with his whole body instead of only with his mouth. And he thought about the reason why he thought about him so much. He still didn't know the reason. It confused him and it unsettled him, but he liked it. He didn't want to stop thinking of him. He always came to the conclusion that Ashton had to be some kind of inspiring example for him. Someone he aspired to be like some day. How cool would it be to light up the whole room with just your laugh?

Two weeks later, on a Wednesday, they just finished band practise again. They worked really hard on that day and Luke noticed how serious the guys took the band since Ashton joined. There was way more actual music making then ever before and they seemed to be much more motivated now. Luke felt the same. There was something about that new constellation that made him want to prove how good they could be.

Calum, Michael and Luke were just packing their Instruments into their bags, when Ashton said: “I wanted to ask you guys, now that we're a band, if you want to come over for my birthday on Saturday?”   
“Yeah, sure. Why not?” Michael answered and Calum told them he'd like to come, too. Now they all looked at Luke, expecting him to say something, too. Luke wasn't a big party animal. He actually hated going to parties, it was the worst for him. He wasn't very experienced with drinking alcohol, and not drinking alcohol never seemed to be an option. And Ashton was probably a guy with lots of friends and he wouldn't know any of them, so he already saw himself standing there at that party alone with his drink he didn't want to drink.

“I'm not sure... Saturday... I think there was something on that day...I'll tell you as soon as I know!” Luke was bad at lying. Really bad. Usually the whole room knew he wasn't telling the truth, but didn't say something, so they wouldn't embarrass him. He felt pathetic.  
They accepted his answer and he was really glad to keep all the options open, even though he was pretty sure he wouldn't go to that party.

 

The next day when he lay in bed and again failed to fall asleep, he wasn't so sure about that any more. He still didn't feel like going to a party with lots of people, who'd be older and much cooler than him. But he also thought about how Calum, Michael and Ashton would be there without him and about the things he'd miss, if he didn't show up. Luke didn't want to be the outcast in their band.

He also was kinda curious how Ashtons friends were like, he wanted to be there, seeing him celebrating his 20th birthday. 

Luke thought he would have to make the final decision spontaneous on Friday or Saturday.


	3. The Birthday Party

The tension in Lukes body became bigger with every minute he kept creeping around Ashtons house. He was still far away enough so nobody would get the idea he was invited to the party, but too far away to see what was going on inside the house. The whole day he couldn't quite make a decision if he should go to the party or not.

He ended up with the plan of checking out the situation there and making his decision then. But now he was standing there in the street Ashtons family was living in and he didn't know what to do. The only thing he could say for sure was that there was loud music coming from the party. Some upbeat rock song, which he was sure he'd heard before. The curtains were down and he didn't know if that was a good sign.   
As he kept analysing the situation he convinced himself that it wouldn't be a drama if he didn't show up. He'd just tell Ashton that he had had more important plans on the weekend. Yes, that would be completely okay.  
But the moment he wanted to turn around to go back home, he heard his name being shouted from behind and all he could think was _shit_.  
“Luuuuke! Hey buddy!” A familiar voice shouted again and he had no choice but to set up a fake smile and turn to the person behind him.

“Hey, Happy Birthday!” he said and concentrated on not sounding too disappointed, because his plan had failed.

“Thank you! I was hoping you'd show up!” Ashton said while rushing up to him, smiling.  
“I kinda forgot to tell you I could make it..” Luke lied.  
“No problem, I'm glad you found some time!” Ashton gave him an awkward handshake, one of those were none of them knew which one it's going to be. Was it the formal one, shaking each others hand or was it a simple high five... or even a high five and a fist bump? In this case it was the last one but Luke went for the first one and it ended up with them weirdly touching each others hands in chaos. Luke already wanted to disappear, but Ashton started to laugh and it made the whole thing less awkward. They started strolling towards the house and the music got louder the closer they got.

“Why aren't you in there, isn't it your party?” Luke said, trying to play off his nervousness.   
“Yeah I just went to the store down the street to get some more booze.” he told him and only then Luke noticed the big bag on the older boys shoulder and he regretted it the moment he said: “Shall I carry that?”   
He was so stupid. It must have sounded absolutely ridiculous, because Ashton had these big biceps from drumming all the time and Luke just didn't.   
Most of all he was tall, but not in a very spectacular shape, not compared to the drummer. He could have face-palmed himself so hard in that moment, but if Ashton thought the same, he didn't let it show.   
Sweet as he was, he just said: “Thank you but it's not as heavy as it looks. I'll let you know if you need to lend me a hand!”  
They arrived at the house and Luke felt his insecurity back at its full extent.  
“How many people did you invite?” He asked and tried to sound as casual as possible.  
“Probably too many” Ashton answered “I actually hate parties! Above all when its in my house...but we'll get through this...” then he opened the door. Luke couldn't hold back a little relieved smile. So he wasn't the only one who had that thing going on with parties.   
The music got even louder as soon as they entered. Looking back there might have been 40 people overall, pretty normal for a party, Luke guessed, but still about 37 people more than he could get together to celebrate his birthday.

“I don't even know half of them.” Ash admitted. “I think I should know some of them but I swear I've never seen them... but don't tell them!” he grinned. How could someone be so effortlessly chill? That guy seemed to take life how it comes and was able to make the best out of it, while Luke had been stressed the whole week whenever he'd thought of this party.

The air was terrible, Luke could tell immediately that some people were smoking, only cigarettes though. A guy who looked a bit older than Ashton came up to them, already a bit wobbly on his way. “Do you have the booze, Ash?” he wanted to know and Ashton looked at Luke like he wanted to apologize, but he didn't. Instead he said “Maybe you should take a break.” to the boy who was already exploring the content of the cotton bag in Ashtons hand.   
“Excuse me for a minute, I'm just gonna check if everything's alright everywhere.” He told Luke and turned around to inspect the rest of his parents house. “Oh and the other two are somewhere around, too!” he added and disappeared into the ongoing party.  
So Luke decided to search for his friends, which he managed after only half a minute. Calum and Michael stood in the living room with some people Luke didn't know, but he approached the small group, after he helped himself to some poorly mixed drink, made of some vodka and coke. It tasted disgusting, but he didn't drink for the taste anyway. He just needed a bit of support in socialising with strangers.   
“Hi guys!” He said and for a short moment he feared nobody heard him.   
But that wasn't the case. When his friends turned around he looked into surprised faces.   
“Lukey! You're here!” Calum grinned. It wasn't a very inventive statement, but still true.   
He just nodded.   
Calum was already half-drunk and Michael was in no way inferior to him.

“We didn't think you'd come...” he said and Luke started to regret that he did.  
“Well... here I am.” he said and the excitement from earlier slowly faded away.

“We were just talking about the band and I think we found our first fans...” Calum told him and Luke just really hoped they didn't show off in front of the strangers. But they seemed to be cool, also drunk, but not more than his friends. They were a bit older though. Maybe 22 or something?  
“They haven't even heard one song...” he said, maybe being a bit too realistic and Calums proud smile turned into an offended expression. He wanted to defend himself, but one of the older guys got there first as he slurred: “That might be true... but you know what. You guys are so good, we don't even need to hear your songs.”

Even though that made no sense at all or maybe because of that fact, Luke started to laugh and the other boys joined in. “Well in that case... you're accepted as our very first and at the moment, our biggest fans.” It was amazing how confident Luke suddenly felt. Usually he had a hard time being witty or good with words, but now it just came naturally. Maybe the bit of alcohol he had drunk already started to fool him into thinking he was cool.   
He took another sip of his drink and relaxed a little.   
“So you're the bassist and you play guitar, right? Does that mean you're the singer?” one of the boys asked while looking at Luke.   
“Yep, but the boys sing quite a lot, too...” he answered.  
“Oh come one, Luke. Don't make yourself small. You're the best fucking singer I know!” Michael said with a raised voice, trying to drown out the loud music. Luke felt a big hand slapping him on the shoulder and found Calum grinning widely: “He's always so humble, but he's really good.”   
Luke felt a tingle in his cheeks and got a familiar feeling in his head. Here we go again.   
“And whenever we tell him he turns red like a tomato.” The boys start to laugh.  
“Thanks for pointing that out, Michael, really... a great friend you are...” Luke said and pretended to be really offended.   
“I'm sorry, Lukey...” but he just couldn't hold back his laughter.   
“No, you're not. Don't lie to me...” Luke played along and turned his back to Michael, when his eyes suddenly caught Ashton in between the people. What the hell was he doing? It looked like he tried to climb on a table. Luke watched the scene confused and a bit worried that the other one might fall.   
But then the music stopped and the people started to turn around and look at him, too. “MUSIC!” someone screamed and Ashton, now successfully standing on the table, laughed.

“Just a minute, guys! Let me just say something quickly.” some scattered cheers came from the room and Ashton laughed again and started talking.   
“First off I wanna thank you all for coming...” cheers again. “and for being awsome in general...so... the thing is...some lovely friends of mine seem to have a little surprise waiting outside and I'd like to ask you guys to come with me and see what it is... because I have no idea and I'm a bit scared to be honest...” Some girls, standing behind Ashton started to cheer and giggle and Luke assumed they were the friends he was speaking of. “So if you could just join me for a few minutes outside?” he asked, way too polite and the people just cheered again and started talking and when Ash got of the table, they just followed him outside. Luke turned to his friends and they looked at him with their eyes wide open. “Have you seen these chicks? They are fit!” Michael broke the silence between them and Calum joined in “Ash is a lucky man for sure...” a grin appeared on Mikes face. “I bet his biggest problem is which one to choose tonight...” he laughed and one of the other lads added: “Why choose one, he probably just takes them all.” Everyone started laughing and Luke zoned out a bit as the conversation about these girls went on. Well, they were pretty hot. Like, there were a lot of pretty girls here and Ashton was probably a popular guy. But Luke just didn't think that he was the type of boy who'd just play with the girls. He couldn't imagine him being like that and he didn't like talking about people behind their backs, even though it's probably meant to be a compliment.

It made him feel weird.

Small.

Why did this make him feel bad about himself? A few minutes earlier he was full of confidence and now...? This wasn't even about him, was it? Was it because he knew, he could never get off with one of these model-like girls? But he didn't even want to, did he? It's just weird, knowing that they were on a whole different level...  
Luke followed his friends and all of the other people outside, trotting, still confused about these sudden feelings. His eyes kept searching for Ash and the girls, but they probably already left the house. He noticed that they weren't heading for the front door, but for a glass door at the end of the hallway.   
It was dark outside and the air was amazingly refreshing. Luke had gotten used to the reek inside the house that the contrast hit him like a baseball bat.

He took some deep breaths and took a look around in the little backyard they were standing in.   
He found the girls and everyone standing in a circle and looking down on something and Ashton was giggling like a kid “You guys are too sweet! That is the cutest thing ever! And also I hate you!”  
Luke watched as he pulled the four girls into one big group hug and how he closed his eyes, smiling and huddling up against them. The girls were laughing, obviously satisfied with themselves.   
“You're old, Ash!” one of them said and he just gave her a little slap on the back of her head. “Shut up, you're older than me, stupid!”   
That nasty feeling in Lukes chest became bigger. He just wanted to leave and he didn't even know why. He just didn't know what he was doing here anyway. Why did he want to come in the first place, nobody cared if he was here...  
But at the other hand, he just couldn't tear his eyes away from the scene in front of him. Why was he so bitter, it was just a big lovely group hug. How can something nice like that be such a pain in the ass. Luke felt like the worst human being and finally he remembered that he was actually pretty curious about the surprise they were looking at.

His friends were already standing with the others and he just awkwardly shortened the distance between him and everyone else, hoping that nobody caught him stare at the birthday boy like an idiot.   
And then he saw the thing Ashton was so happy about and he couldn't hold back a smile himself. That was really fucking cute.   
On the ground, where everyone was looking at, was a big heart formed out of candles and the Number 20 written inside, also with candles. It looked stunning in the dark.   
But that shouldn't be everything. After the attention went back to the girls, one of them said a bit to loud and mesmerized: “We also want to give you this.” she handed Ashton a big white cardboard, which he had already seen obviously. “Thanks...” Ashton sighed and some people laughed.

On the cardboard someone had glued about ten pictures, showing Ashton as a baby, then a kid, as a teenager and finally as the man Luke met only a few weeks ago.

Not all of these photos were very beneficial to say the least. It was probably the part of the present, Ashton hated them for, like he said. Luke tried to get a better look, but then the girl continued: “We're gonna leave this piece of art on that table over there and we want everyone to write some words for Ashton...whatever you want. There are some pencils and yeah... “   
Ashton hugged her again. Then most of the people followed the girls to that table and some others went back into the house.

“Let's stay out here for a bit, I need some more air” Calum said and they agreed.

Michael went in to get some more drinks and Luke watched the people gather around the table, each of them writing something to the Birthday boy. They stood there for about twenty minutes, drinking and talking and the backyard got emptier with time.

He couldn't help but wonder what they'd all written, before going back into the house. They probably all had memories of a younger Ashton and he probably had some deep bonds to some of them and Luke felt so out of place. He didn't even know him yet...  
“You alright?” Calum wanted to know.   
“Yeah, I guess...” Luke knew he wouldn't get away with that. He knew he could talk to Calum, but it was so much harder, when he didn't even know what was wrong.  
“It's a cute present, don't you think?”  
“Yep. But you won't write something, right?” Luke wanted to know.

“Why not? It's a nice idea...” Calum said. “Won't you?”  
“I don't know...What the hell am I supposed to write? I don't even know him.”  
“He's the drummer of our band after all... Just write something...anything.” Calum shrugged. “Let's go over and get it done...there's nobody there at the moment.”   
Luke let out a long sigh. “Fine.”  
They went to the table where some more candles were placed, so people could see what they wrote.   
Luke got a bit excited leaning over the cardbord and reading some of the lines...Most of them said happy birthday and some cute or funny words following... Luke had to smile a little, while reading.

“You have the biggest smile I've ever seen. Keep it!”

“I love you Ash and you're hot, but you really need to stop talking so much.”

“Remember the one time in primary school, when we had to name a vegetable and you shouted 'banana' and the whole class laughed....? I can't believe that boy is 20 now.”

“I don't know you well but you're funny and you seem like a nice guy.”

“INTERVENTION: Bandanas are cool and they suit you, but we think you might be addicted. We just worry about you, love.”

“You're one of the kindest people I have ever met.”

“Let's have another great year together and never grow up.”

There were some great lines, some very illiterate ones and some kinda awkward ones, probably coming from the people who didn't even know whose party that was.

Luke racked his brain, but he just couldn't find words to write down. There were endless words rushing trough his brain, but none of them were right. The thing was... Luke was really bad at talking but actually pretty okay at writing. He wrote songs, he sometimes wrote diary... But nothing seemed to fit...  
He watched Calum write down some scrawly words beside him. They said:  
“We actually sound good since you're in the band and you're a sick drummer! Let's take on the world! Happy Birthday.”  
Michael was next. “Happy Birthday, Ash. Like Calum said, your drumming is dope and you're a really cool guy! Let's do this.”

 

Now it was his turn and he still had no idea what to write, but his friends were looking at him and he knew they would read his words... he just thought about the day he first saw Ashton and how overwhelming that first impression was for him and how he knew from the first minute that this boy was on a whole new level and that he could never reach him, whatever that meant. And he thought about how cool he looked, like a young rock star, but still older than himself and how that smile was so bright he asked himself why he didn't get blinded by it and how nice he was and how he didn't take the chance to tease Luke about his age and....and.... and he wrote five words in the corner of the cardboard. Just five words. He didn't even know what happened to all of these words inside his head, they just faded away.  
“I like your Cobain shirt.” That was all... he felt so stupid after putting down the pencil. He didn't even write happy birthday, but he would definitely not take up that pen again...   
“What the fuck dude...” Michael said.   
“What?” Luke asked as if he had no idea what he meant.  
“That's all? Not even your name?”  
“Calum said I could write anything...and I wanted to tell him I liked his shirt, but I forgot about it, until now.” Luke said as if it was the most normal thing in the world...   
“Okay... well... then let's go in.”   
They definitely thought he was a bit stupid, but Luke didn't care. He would have felt even worse putting his name underneath that stupid excuse of a Birthday-Wish.


	4. The Birthday Party 2

They went back in and Calum and Michael found Ashton standing together with the boys from earlier, so they joined them. There was not a single piece left of the confidence Luke had at the beginning of the party, even though he felt the alcohol in his bloodstream. Calum and Michael had to concentrate even harder on walking straight, so he figured he wasn't the most drunk in the room.  
“Look who's there?! Our biggest fans!” Calum said and Luke would gladly have slapped him in the face. _Please just don't embarrass me. Please._ He thought.  
“You already know each other?” Ashton wanted to know.

“Yeah, they are a great laugh. Why did you never tell us you're in a band?” one of them said.  
“Because I only just joined them two weeks ago.” he grinned.

“We haven't heard you guys yet. Is it worth it being your fans?” they asked Ashton.  
“Totally. We have a really good lead singer slash guitarist on our hands, so...”  
He looked at Luke and smiled. Not like what he said was a joke, but like he really meant his words. Luke wasn't able to say anything, he just shook his had a bit.

Ashton continued: “I'll invite you to our first gig, then you'll see what I mean.”

“Why don't you sing something now? Just a little bit?” the guy looked at him with a hopeful expression on his face.

_Oh shit. Oh no...Please not now. Not here..._

“I don't know...” Luke said.  
“Oh come on, just a few lines...” he begged.  
“I don't even know which song...” Luke tried, but he already knew he had no chance. And he also knew he had to get over this kind of insecurity when he wanted to play gigs some day.  
“Just sing one of our songs or something you wrote...” Calum said and smiled at him encouraging. Luke knew exactly what he wanted to sing... The boys already knew a few songs he wrote on his own, but this one has never been heard by anyone but himself and he really wanted to study Ashtons face, when he'd hear it for the first time... because he kinda thought about him while writing it. Not that the lyrics were about him, but while he thought about them, he aspired to impress the drummer with the words he used. Luke really hoped he wasn't too drunk to sing them properly. It would have been a shame if he ruined this premiere, because he really hoped the guys liked his new song.

“Okay... so... I wrote this song I wanted to show you guys... I thought maybe we could play it together some time. It's called 'disconnected' and I have some ideas for the guitar and bass, but for now I'll just sing you a few lines.”  
His little audience, consisting of his band and Ashtons friends, was cheering and clapping and he felt his heart beat really fast, the moment before he began to sing. Some people standing near were looking at him, too. They had to be curious what was going on and Luke thought it was a really awkward situation, but he dismissed that though immediately.  
It wasn't easy ignoring the music coming from the other room, but luckily it wasn't too loud any more. So he sang...  
“I like the summer rain  
I like the sounds you make  
We put the world away  
We get so disconnected.”

He just stared at his feet while he sang his song and he felt his confidence grow inside him again. Singing just gave him so much safety and calmness, it always seemed to wash away the thoughts, that were rushing through his mind constantly. When he was singing, he was free.  
But even If it would feel awkward, looking up at his listeners faces, he had to risk it, because he wanted to see if the sounds of his voice reached them. He let his eyes fly over their faces and he saw all of them smiling at him, out of the corner of his eyes he saw Calum tapping his foot to the melody.

“I admit I'm a bit of a fool for playing by the rules  
But I've found my sweet escape when I’m alone with you”

Then his glance landed on Ashtons face and he felt a familiar warmth come up in his chest, when he looked him in the eyes. Luke couldn't explain what that feeling was, but he just knew his words got to him and that the melody reached him, just like on the day of their first band practise. Luke couldn't hold back a smile, while he looked at that expression in the older boys face. Again there was admiration, but something else was mixed into it. Something new.

“Tune out the static sound of the city that never sleeps  
Here in the moment on the dark side of the screen”

His eyes looked different from the first time he heard him sing. They were just a little bit warmer and a little bit more fragile. A little bit more watery, too.

Maybe it was just the alcohol in his blood that made him see those things.  
Or maybe it was the alcohol in Ashtons blood that made him look that way.

But Luke couldn't force himself to look away. He kept looking at him for the rest of the song. He hadn't planned on singing the whole thing either, but he got so lost in it and in that boys eyes, that he didn't even notice. The music in the background, the talking and all of the people stopped existing for a short moment. There was only them and at that moment Luke knew that this wasn't only some weird admiration he felt for this new person in his life, but more. It was way more than that and even though he should be confused or scared, in that moment he wasn't. Maybe because he was drunk or maybe because he was singing or maybe just because everything felt so right. Looking into Ashtons eyes felt right and singing to him felt right and that tickling feeling in his stomach felt so unbelievably right.

“You are my favourite place  
We put the world away  
Yeah we're so disconnected

...  
We're so disconnected”

But that moment ended and everything got back to normal, the noise around him found its way back into his ears and the world seemed to spin at the same speed again. There were no signs left that that special moment ever happened... except there was.

Ashton. He still looked at Luke and still couldn't seem to find back into reality and Luke was extremely relieved that it wasn't only his imagination that played tricks on him, but that the connection between them was real. 

He smiled brightly at the confused boy and he heard how the others started clapping and cheering again, while Ashton just kept looking at him.

They told him how they loved the song and Ashtons friends told him that he was indeed an incredible singer and how they'd stay fans for sure. And Luke listened and thanked them a bit too often and he really was flattered about their words, but all he could think of was how he for once caught Ash off guard and not the other way around. It was the biggest compliment someone could've made. Words would never be enough to make him feel as special as he did the last few minutes. 

“I'm gonna get some drinks.” Luke said confidently, because he really needed a few moments to himself to get his shit together. He wanted to make sure he's got his dumb smiling under control before he got back to them. Back to Ash. He wanted his cool aura up just a little longer. The truth was he wasn't cool at all, but when he was singing it was at least something. He didn't want to ruin that triumph with stuttering and blushing.  
But his plan didn't really work out. He reached the table with the drinks, which was set up really cute with nice little cocktail umbrellas and colourful napkins - they were laying all over the place by now, but it was a nice gesture for sure. Then he heard Ashtons voice behind him and he had to pull himself together to not start to shake. “Pour me some more as well, please!”  
Luke just smiled. Talking would have ruined it, he thought. But his friend took the talking part anyway. “I'm already pretty pissed but it's my birthday, right?” he laughed. “What about you? Aren't you drunk at all?”

Luke was. He was very drunk. He actually just forced every inch of his body to work properly and not let himself look like a fool. Letting go of control wasn't really his thing. He hoped nobody could see how hard it was to get from a place to another, without falling on his face or getting out the words right or just at all.  
“Yeah I am, I guess.” He answered, again, with all control that was left.  
“Really? How the hell did you sing like that when you're drunk? I once tried to play the drums while I was drunk and I ended up hitting myself in the face with the sticks...” Luke laughed out a little louder than he intended to. “Did it hurt?”  
“Like hell... I nearly started crying, but I had a girl over, so I just played it cool.” He laughed as well and then hid his face behind the cup he was holding with both hands now, as if the memory really embarrassed him. Luke just nodded and smiled politely. The conversation about the girls from earlier came back into his mind and there was that ugly feeling again, which made him want to leave this place.  
Then Ashs face got completely soft and he looked at Luke with his glazed eyes and a little unsure smile. “But you... even though you're apparently drunk like me... you sounded just... perfect.” he waited a second then he tried to laugh it off but he still sounded like he meant every word: “Really man, I thought this can't be real, I must be dreaming...”  
Lukes heart.  
His heart. He didn't know what happened to his heart. Was the alcohol finally taking over his body? Would that explain how he felt that moment?  
Because he felt like there was only one thing he needed to do more than anything else... He needed to kiss Ashton. Take his face into his hands and press his lips against Ashs.

The urge got stronger and stronger and he just stood there staring at the other boys lips. They looked so soft and insecure. Not only did he want to kiss him, his whole body cried out for it.  
But he pulled himself together once again and smiled, still numb from that feeling. “Thanks mate, I'm glad you like the band you're in.” Ashton laughed and thankfully the alcohol didn't let Luke think about it more.

They wanted to go back to the others, but they couldn't find any of them and Luke really didn't mind. So Ashton said he wanted to check out the living room quickly. He told Luke that he didn't want to wash some idiots vomit out of the carpet and Luke decided that all of the alcohol had to stay inside him at all costs for that night.  
When they went into the living room, they found that the party had thinned out quite a bit. Two couples were slow dancing really badly and someone was sleeping on the couch, while two others were having a seemingly deep conversation sitting on the floor. Ashton smiled satisfied. “I can't believe I threw a house party that didn't escalate.” he staggered a bit while leaving the room and then he suddenly grabbed Lukes arm and Luke had to brace himself against the drunk boy, to hold him up properly. “You alright?” he asked  
“I need air. Like..now. Or I'll be the one ruining the carpet.” he was breathing heavily.  
“okay.” They made their way through the house, Luke guiding them.  
When he finally opened the glass door, cold air blew in their faces and Ashton took a few deep breaths. Luke just enjoyed the dark and the silence for a moment. He liked the night. He loved the dark. And he loved to stand there with Ash for the moment.  
“Better?” He asked.  
“So much better. I forgot what air felt like.” he breathed out happily. “Let's stay out here for a while.”  
They did. Luke was freezing and as he looked down on Ashtons arms, he saw that he had goosebumps, too. But none of them cared about that, because the night was just too comfortable.  
They didn't talk much, until Ash suddenly said: “Oh I totally forgot about that!” he turned at the direction he had been looking at and Luke realized that there still stood the table with the cardboard with all the wishes on it. _Oh no._

But it was too late, so he just followed his friend to the table and silently watched him skim through some of the lines, people wrote. Here and there he started giggling and Luke forgot about the cardboard for a second and watched the expressions on Ashtons face change with every line he read. He really did wear his heart on his sleeve, Luke thought. You could simply read him like an open book, but even then he was so cool and strong and confident, as well as kind and childish. And then his glance landed on those lips again and Luke watched, how they moved, when Ash laughed or when he smiled and he couldn't think about anything else, than kissing him. And in that moment he noticed how close they were standing now. Only a few inches separated them and... ”Did you write something?” Ashtons voice broke into his thoughts and Luke felt the blood rush into his cheeks, as if he was caught doing something illegal.  
 _No, no, no. Oh god no. Please._  
Why did everything always have to end up with him embarrassing himself in any kind of way?  
He nodded, sighed a bit too dramatic and then he looked down on the carton.

I like your Cobain Shirt.

It wasn't easy finding his handwriting, because the alcohol blurred everything and he had to concentrate on decoding anything at all.  
“Don't laugh, I'm bad with words...” He just said quietly as he finally pointed at it.  
Ashton smiled and then he read the words. Luke turned his face away, while his finger still rested at his sentence on the carton. He waited for a reaction, while clinching his teeth and then he heard a gentle giggle and he twitched a little, when he felt a warm hand on top of his own.  
His heart started beating really fast and he turned his face back to Ashton in surprise. That one was shaking his head, still smiling gently. “You are so weird, you know that?” he said.  
Luke didn't know what to say or do, so he stood there in his trance and butterflies were having their own little party in his stomach. Ashtons hand was so warm and comforting and it contained his own hand with soft squeeze. Luke didn't dare to move at all, afraid he might let go of his hand. Instead Ashton got a step closer to him and he looked him in the eyes- tilting his head a little bit up, because Luke was taller than him- and he said: “But I think your wish is my favourite.”

He leaned towards Luke and maybe he even rose himself a bit on his tiptoes as he placed a soft, little kiss on his lips.  
They stayed a moment like that, their lips softly touching and the Butterflies inside Lukes tummy seemed to explode, because Ashtons lips were as soft as he'd imagined and it felt so good. The older boys hand still squeezing his own, he could have stood there forever. The alcohol and the adrenaline mixed in his blood made him feel like he could hover out of his body any moment.  
It was a short moment and it ended when Ashton gave his kiss a little bit more pressure, before letting go all at once.  
He let go of Lukes hand as well and stood there looking at him for another moment. Luke didn't know what expression he wore on his own face, because the control he had hold onto the whole evening just slipped through their kiss and vanished. His body was freaking out and he couldn't bring himself to say or do anything at all.  
Ashtons eyes were still looking at him. Luke expected to see regret or shame in them, but nothing like that happened. He looked as happy as always. Luke had to look closer to see a spark of insecurity in his eyes as well. If Luke hadn't been drunk himself he may have seen how Ashton struggled to stand straight, but he didn't notice and it didn't matter. He had no time to think about it anyway, because Ashton finally said: “It's freezing, let's go back in.”

And they did.


	5. Friends and Crushes

It was four in the morning and Luke and Calum were staying at Michaels house for the rest of the night. They didn't want to bother Ashton, as there were already a few people staying over at his...  
Now Luke sat at the bathroom floor and thought about everything.  
He did that sometimes, when he needed some space.  
From what he got to see, Ash acted completely normal the rest of the time at the party. He didn't see much though, because he tried to avoid looking at the older boy as well as possible. He feared he'd blush again or that his face would give everything away to his friends.  
But there was no other thought in his mind. Not a single moment passed, when he didn't think about that...  
The... the kiss.  
It was a kiss, right?  
Ashton kissed him on the lips.  
Lukes heart started pounding harder just at the thought of it. How amazing it made him feel.  
Why the fuck did it make him feel that good? Why did Ashton even kiss him like it was the most natural thing to do?  
Did a kiss even mean anything in Ashtons world?  
Like...maybe he kissed all of his friends, when he felt like it.  
No way! Not even Ash would do that!  
Then why?  
Well, he was drunk...and Luke was drunk, too. That would explain all of the thoughts of kissing his friend that he had, before it actually happened.  
He remembered his whole body thirsting for that one kiss and it made him feel so ashamed.  
Like always, Luke couldn't find a way to stop thinking about it, until he realized he needed a second opinion to make sure, a drunk little kiss didn't mean anything and that stuff like that happens and gets forgotten probably.  
If the others were still awake that was.  
He left the bathroom and got back to Michaels room, where he found Calum sleeping, his body spread over the whole bed and Michael playing some game on his PSP, sitting on a bunch of pillows at the ground.  
“I thought you might have drowned in there.” he whispered and smiled. Michael probably still had some rest alcohol left in his body, like Luke did, and he looked tired as well.  
“I was just thinking about stuff...” Luke sat down beside him, leaning on the bed frame and covering them both under a huge blanket.  
“Did anything happen at the party? You were so silent at the end.”  
So he had noticed. Michael didn't let it show, but he was a really good observer and he usually got things to the point right away. Luke was thankful for that, because that way he didn't need to pull off the whole “I need to talk to you” thing.  
“Yeah... actually... something did happen...” he was scared now. “Promise not to laugh!”  
“You know I can't promise that, Luke...!” Michael said honestly, with a warm smile on his face. “But I'll try, okay?”  
“Okay... So the thing is...At some point Ashton didn't feel well and he thought he had to throw up...”  
“He was pretty pissed, yeah...” Michael tossed in and it made Lukes insecurity even worse.  
“Yeah... so I took him to the garden and he felt better soon. And then he wanted to look at the Cardboard with the wishes...”  
“Did he read mine? What did he say?”  
“He liked it I guess, he was smiling the whole time while reading...” Luke felt a smile grow on his own face, but he got it under control immediately and moved on.  
“Anyway... He wanted me to show him, which one I wrote...”  
“The one about his shirt, right?” Mikey remembered.  
“Yep, that one... so I did and he told me that I'm weird and then....”  
Luke couldn't get the words out of his mouth...  
“Then what?” His friend looked at him expecting an answer.  
“Then he... he kissed me....” Luke closed his eyes and tried to get his feelings under control, even though he didn't really know which ones. He either wanted to smile or cry, he wasn't sure which one would happen, if he looked at Michael right now.  
“You're shitting me, right? He didn't kiss you...”  
“Yes he did.”  
“Like on the cheek or...?”  
“...lips.”  
Luke opened his eyes and found a very confused look on his friends face, mixed with great amusement and all of a sudden he looked wide awake.  
“Why would he kiss you?” he wanted to know.  
“Oh wow, thanks mate...”  
Michael started laughing. “I didn't mean it like that... I just meant... How drunk was he?”  
“Very drunk... But also... not like... drunk enough. I think he knew what he was doing.”  
Luke started to feel bad about telling anybody. It just made everything worse.  
“Do you think he's into you?”  
“I don't know! How am I supposed to know...” Luke really had trouble keeping his voice low.  
“Well... he does look at you a lot...” Michael started and Luke felt his heart doing that exciting thing again. He also couldn't hold back a big smile.  
“Seriously? He looks at me? Like what?”  
“I don't know...I just see him looking at you a lot... wait...you sound like you want him to!”  
Now Luke felt his cheeks turn warm and probably red. Oh shit.  
“No way!!!” Michael said a little too loud, before letting his friend answer.  
“Shhh! You'll wake Calum!” Luke hissed, but it was too late.  
“Why are you guys awake?” Calum wondered, still sleepy and confused. He looked like hell, but they probably all did.  
“What are you so excited about, Mikey?” Oh no.  
Michael looked at Luke as to wait for his permission to let their friend in on it. “Oh fuck it.” Luke said, letting himself fall deeper into the pillows, while Mike got Calum up to speed.

“...and then he KISSED him... and...” Calum made some noises of disbelief.  
“...and you didn't hear the best part... Luke was totally into it!” his voice sounded so excited and Luke felt the need to get things straight.  
“I never said that! I never said I liked it!”  
Before Michael could say anything, Calum asked: “And did you?”  
Lukes sighed annoyed and scratched his forehead, while he admitted: “Kinda...”  
He heard his friends make weird happy noises and it took them a moment to calm down again, while Luke was just laying there, looking at the ceiling. He couldn't believe what was happening at the moment. Did he really like it? Ashton was a guy after all. Of course Luke had crushes before. For fucks sake, he usually fell in love with every girl that talked to him. He had kissed someone before, but not a boy.  
“Was it with tongue?” Calum wanted to know. He sat up straight in Michaels bed, also wide awake now.  
“No it was just a... you know... A kiss on the lips...and he held my hand.”  
Calums eyes got bigger “That too?”  
“You didn't tell me about that!” Michael said.  
“Well now I did, why is it a big deal?”  
“Maybe he really likes you! I didn't know he was gay though...” Michael looked at the others.  
“I didn't think about it...” Calum answered. “He doesn't have to be gay, though...He might be bi...”  
Luke thought that the conversation was turning into a really embarrassing one pretty fast.  
“What about you Luke? Are you gay now?” Michael asked with a big grin on his face.  
“Don't be stupid, Mikey... You don't just turn gay!” Calum rolled his eyes. “Don't act like you never thought about getting off with a man!”  
Did Michael actually blush a little bit or was it just Lukes imagination?  
“I guess we all did.” He admitted. “No big deal!”  
“Don't you have anything to say, Lukey-boy? It's about you after all!”  
Luke sighed again, but also felt extremely relieved, because his friends were just the best friends in the whole wide world and he loved them more than anything.  
“I don't know what I am, guys. I always liked girls, you know...But Ash... the kiss felt really good...”  
“Awww Luke... wait, did you have a boner?”  
“MICHAEL!” Calum gave the broad grinning idiot a clap on the back of his head.  
“To be fair, Luke was the only one who got anything going today, so...” Michael tried to change the subject, while Lukes face felt like it was burning from shame.  
“Yeah, that's true. Since when are you the one to hook up with the fit ones?” Calum said.  
Lukes eyes widened in surprise. “The fit ones?”  
“Well I might be straight, but I'm not blind. Ashton is pretty hot!” he continued and Michael just nodded.  
“Yeah he's like... a ten!”  
“What are you gonna do now?” Cal wanted to know. “You have to text him!”  
“I don't know... Let me just get sober and we'll talk about that another time... What even is my life? Why am I sitting here, talking about boys with you...?”  
They started to laugh.  
“We could play Fifa... you know... to feel like the proper men that we are.” Mike suggested.  
And they played until the night was over. 

 

A few days passed, when he didn't see Ashton at all. He saw him once or twice from afar, when he was walking through the school corridors and it got him all excited, even though the other one didn't seem to notice him at all.  
He was just there with his friends, who all looked like misfits to Luke. Cool misfits in some way. All dressed very rocky and unique.  
All older than him...  
Pretty girls.  
Lukes friends didn't pass a chance to ask him, if he had texted him yet, but he hadn't.  
“What the hell am I supposed to write anyway?” Luke was desperate.  
Calum looked at him annoyed. He couldn't blame him... that topic has been there for about four or five days and he just couldn't bring himself to do any step at all.  
“Just write anything. Anything at all!”  
“Tomorrow is band practise. It could get pretty awkward if you ignore him until then...” Michael said.  
“Oh well, thanks for the support... Okay... I'll do it. I'm just gonna write that I'm looking forward to band practise... is that weird?”  
“You're seriously so cute, Lukey, do you even know that?”  
“Oh shut up, Calum...” 

When Luke lay in bed that evening, he still hadn't sent that stupid message. He was staring at his phone for minutes and he wrote some words, which he then erased immediately. Everything he wrote sounded wrong and dumb. He wanted to sound cool. He had so many things, he wanted to say to the drummer, but everything he could think of made him sound lame and desperate.  
 _Do you remember that you kissed me?_  
Why did you kiss me?  
Did you like it?  
All these things... He sounded desperate, because he was.  
He was desperate to know these things, because the kiss was the first thing he thought of when he woke up and the last thing when he went to bed. He needed answers, but there was no way of getting them, without embarrassing himself.  
When he suddenly thought he had found the words to say, his phone vibrated two times, the sign that he got a text.  
While still in thoughts he opened his inbox and within a second he sat up straight in his bed, looking at the screen in disbelief.  
Ashton Irwin.  
It was his name above the little closed briefcase.  
His heart was racing, when he opened the message.

“Are you mad at me? If you remember that I kissed you at the party, I was pissed as hell and it was just stupid. If you don't remember, even better... Tomorrow band practise? Ash.”

Luke read the lines over and over, but he didn't know what to feel. He was confused and disappointed. Mostly just confused. Why did he think Luke would be mad? And how was he supposed to just forget about it? Ash was probably right and it was stupid... but still it was everything he could think about. And it hurt that Ash seemed to really regret what happened.  
Luke slowly erased the words he had prepared for his own message and thought about what he should answer. He chose to play it cool.

“I remember but I'm not mad... I just thought you were the kinda guy who kissed all of his friends haha. Yep, see ya tomorrow. Luke.”

That wasn't even a lie... He did think about that. That maybe the older boy had just too much love to give and kissed random people when he felt like it. The message was the opposite of how he felt like though. He wondered, how the hell he was supposed to show up at band practise and pretend that nothing happened. He even told his friends about it and he was so ashamed.  
The kiss meant nothing to Ashton, while Luke seriously thought he might have a crush on him. He regretted telling the lads. He regretted acting so fast. He even regretted showing up to the party in the first place. Now he couldn't change these facts. He couldn't undo that kiss and he couldn't just stop thinking about how it felt.  
His phone vibrated again and Luke just stared at it. It was different from before. He still was excited seeing that name on the screen, but he was also really afraid of what the message would say.  
He opened it.

“I don't kiss everyone, Luke! What do you think of me? You need to sing that song of yours tomorrow, okay? Good night.”

Luke smiled. He knew that this didn't mean anything to Ashton, but he just couldn't help smiling like an idiot. Because now at least he knew that Ashton didn't just kiss random people and that maybe, just maybe in that moment he really wanted to kiss Luke.  
And the song.  
Oh god the song, he nearly forgot about his little performance at the party and how Ashton looked at him.  
And Ash remembered.  
He remembered and he even wanted him to sing it again.  
 _Good night._  
Good night. Even just these simple words made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

“Of course. We still have to make it a band-song somehow...Good night!”

Luke couldn't sleep for another hour or more, because his mind kept making up scenarios of the next day and how they'd play 'disconnected' as a band for the first time. It was so exciting because it was his words they used after all and even though nobody knew about it, he'd always think of Ashton while singing it.


	6. Old Patterns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in this chapter there's a little bit of angst, I'M SORRY, I just thought I'd let you know. (:
> 
> Also it would mean the world to me if you left kudos in case you liked it or even better - a comment.  
> Anyways, ENJOY. <3

There he was. Standing outside Ashtons house again.

This time there was no music or people, but somehow he felt just as nervous. It was only them four again and that made things more complicated for Luke.  
He couldn't try to avoid Ash, when they had to be in the same room the whole time and it would be awkward if he didn't talk to him at all.But how was he supposed to act normal.  
Act like he hadn't told everyone else in the band that he might have a crush on the drummer.  
 _Oh god._  
Luke had the same urge to turn around and walk back home, like he had a week   
But he couldn't leave his friends alone with Ashton, god only knows what shit they'd tell him.  Luke didn't even tell them about their little message exchange last night.  
Why didn't he tell them?  
He had all day, but it would have been so awkward, after he got them all involved. He wanted to turn back time just for about a week, so there would've been no kiss. No kiss probably wouldn't mean no feelings at all, but at least he wouldn't have had the need to talk to his friends about it.  
But Luke had also watched enough Time travel movies to know that it's never a good idea to change things. So he had to deal with this mess.  
Like...now.  
He was so in thoughts that he didn't even notice the dull sound of the drums being hit behind the closed garage door.  
But when he did, he couldn't help smiling.  
Luke just imagined Ash getting warmed up before the boys joined him and just for a few moments he closed his eyes and listened to the powerful beat.  
He stood there like this, when a voice interrupted his peace.   
  
“Look at that, it's got him pretty badly.”  
“Poor boy...”  
Luke opened his eyes in shock and saw Calum and Michael standing besides him, looking at him pitiful.  
The blood started rushing into his cheeks immediately. He wished his own body would finally stop exposing him like that.  
“Shut up!” he said, sounding weaker than he meant to. “I need to tell you something, before we go in...” this was his chance.  
“Did you text him?” Calum wanted to know, as if he knew what Luke was thinking.  
“He texted me last night...” Luke began, but Michael interrupted him:“That's even better, innit?”  
“He said he was just pissed and the kiss was stupid... and he wanted to know if I was mad... like...why would I be mad? And then I said that I just thought he kissed everyone and it was a joke, but he said that he didn't kiss everyone...and...and he told me to sing my song again today! And then he wrote Good Night...like why would he write good night if he didn't want to kiss me and why did he think I was mad at him? And the song...”the words just came out sounding completely stupid and random and he wasn't sure if it was a good idea to tell them all of that, but they were his best friends and they just had that effect on him.  
He couldn't keep the words to himself.  
“Oh no. You totally fell for him, didn't you?” Calum again.  
“No! I mean... I don't know. I'm just confused...”  
“Yeah that's obvious. You confused me, too.” said Michael and then added: “Luke...I don't know if you should get your hopes up with that guy. He said 'good night', not 'take me on the floor'...”  
“MICHAEL!” Calum slapped him on the shoulder “You're not helping him!”  
“Well at least I'm trying!” Michael pouted a little bit and Calum made his attempt to talk to Luke.  
“What he meant is...yeah, he kissed you and maybe he's flirting a little bit with you now... but Ash seems to be... you know...he's good looking and cool and he's older than you. He probably breaks hearts on a daily basis. And we don't even know if he's into guys, right? We just don't want you to get hurt, that's all...”  
  
Luke nodded. Even though the words hurt him, he knew they were right.  
His friends didn't mean to be rude, they were just honest with him and he would've been thankful, if it didn't hurt so much.  
Basically they told them that Ashton was out of his league and that's the one thing he was sure of anyway.  
“Thanks guys. Let's go in. Just don't mention any of this! Not the kiss and not that I told you about the messages. Please!”  
“Of course not! Do you think we're such dick heads?” Michael, still pouting, but now jokingly.  
“No, I think you're the best!” Luke smiled, while grabbing both their shoulders.  
“Let's go in already!” They had to kick against the garage door as loud as they could, before the noise behind it stopped and Ashton opened it.  
Luke was more nervous than he thought he'd be a minute ago.  
But when that boy stood there in the garage in front of them, grinning cheekily, while he let them in, Luke felt more nervous than ever.  
How was it possible that they kissed?  
That Ashton kissed him, because that's the way it was.  
Luke didn't do anything. Ashton had leaned in and kissed him by choice.  
Luke didn't understand how that was real and he felt the need to get out his phone and check the messages from last night again to reassure this whole thing wasn't just a dream. It would be harder to act normal, than he assumed.  
But when Ash managed to do this, Luke would, too.  
He avoided looking him in the eyes though.  
Just for that moment, because he didn't want to give the show away. Luke wondered, what he would see, if he looked in the older boys eyes now.  
Would there be just a little bit of insecurity or vulnerability or would it be the same view as always?  
He couldn't risk a look.  
  
“Sooo what do you want to begin with?” Ash already sat behind the drums, ready to start. “Luke and me talked about playing his song today...” He continued and Luke felt his heart beat faster.  
 _Luke and me._  
How good these words sounded, coming from his mouth. But he remembered what the boys told him and it was hard to sound cool.  
“Yeah, right... I have some ideas, but I'll need your help...” Luke unpacked his guitar. He didn't want to look at the guys, because it would be so awkward and he couldn't risk to look at Ash, so he mostly just looked at his guitar.  
The sooner they started, the better.  
“The song was genius! What was it called again?” Calum wanted to know.  
“Uhm... I called it _Disconnected_ but we can still change that if...”  
“No, it's perfect, it's a good name for a song...” Calum smiled.  
“How are you so good at writing stuff like that? I find it so hard to think of things to write about, like...there's so many. Where do you even get your inspiration from?” Michael... He didn't mean to drive Luke into a corner, but he did.  
He couldn't know that he simply wanted to impress Ash with these lyrics.  
Why did he have to ask just that? He probably wanted to make Luke look good in front of everyone, but it really didn't have that effect.  
“Well... I don't know...I just sit down and write what comes to my mind.” He lied.  
“Wow. I wish it was that easy for me...” Calum said.  
Luke felt horrible.  
In reality he sat there for hours and hours, before he seemed to have found the right words, before it was perfect. It didn't just come naturally, like he stated, but endless thoughts went into it and every word was thought over many times, before he accepted it.  
For the first time he looked up and his view landed directly at Ashton, but he didn't look back at him like so often. Instead he was busy fumbling around on his drums and probably listening silently.  
Luke thought he must have sounded like a real big douche. It sounded like he was bragging about it.  
“So can we start now?” he said as he felt his mood dropping.  
  
Luke told them about the ideas for the melody he had, but he didn't feel like talking at all.  
He just wanted to be alone, really.  
But it was his song and therefore he had to take control. They tried out different things, but the atmosphere was a bit gloomy.  
Not as enthusiastic and happy as the last times and Luke felt like it was all his fault.  
They would have gotten so much further without him today and that made him sad and angry at himself, both at the same time.  
After he had sung the first lines of 'Disconnected' about fifty times, he couldn't bring himself to do it another time. Not even the music could get him to feel better.  
  
“Can we take a break... I need to go to the loo.” He said and without waiting for a reaction, he went into the house. He remembered the direction from the party and found the toilet at first try.  
Instead of using it, he sat down on the floor and looked at the bathroom tiles in front of him, where some stickers of underwater animals had been placed, probably by a kid.  
Luke felt even worse after buzzing off like he did. He wasn't angry at anyone but himself, but the others didn't know that.  
He already regretted showing up at all.  
How should he come through another two hours or so?  
  
And then a thing happened, that he hated and that hadn't happened in a while. A thing that he hadn't told anyone about, because he didn't know what to say about it.  
He started thinking those things.  
  
Those bad things, that made him feel worse and worse and at some point they always developed a life of their own.  
  
 _They would be better off without me._  
  
 _They're probably laughing about me now._  
  
 _Ashton hated the kiss._  
  
 _He hated it so much he had to make sure, we never talk about it again._  
  
 _He probably told his cool friends how much he hated it_.  
  
 _I'm a failure._  
  
 _Cal and Mikey just spend time with me because they feel sorry._  
  
Luke grabbed his head and he pulled his knees to his chest and the thoughts just repeated itself.  
He felt his arms beginning to shake and his whole body was under immense tension.  
 _No._  
No no no this couldn't be.  
This couldn't be happening right now.  
Not again.  
Not.  
Here.  
Not.  
Now.  
  
 _NO!_  
  
When suddenly he heard a knock on the door. He froze and tried to make no sound.  
Then another knock and another one and finally a voice.  
“Luke, are you all right?” It was Ashton.  
Even though he was the last person he wanted to see right now, it felt good to hear his voice.  
His concerned voice.  
“Yeah...I'm just... I'm a bit out of it...” He said quietly.  
“Do you want to talk about it?” Ashtons voice sounded so soft and caring, he would have loved to talk to him, but he couldn't quite tell him he was disappointed because he had no chance with him and that he hated himself because he was acting like a douche and that he wished his friends wouldn't have confirmed that he was a loser and...and all of that.  
But like so often, the words just came... not the ones he knew he had to keep to himself, but lots of words.  
  
“You know... Sometimes I just think about things too much and I know that it's stupid, but I can't stop it...”  
Ashton didn't reply, but Luke heard him sitting down on the other side of the bathroom door and leaning against it.  
“Do you ever think too much?” Luke asked.  
“Yes, of course. I think everybody does that sometimes.” Ashton said seriously.  
“What do you usually do to make it stop?” Luke wanted to know.  
“Mhh... I usually stop what I'm doing, go to the garage and beat the shit out of my drums.” He giggled a little bit and Luke felt himself smile, too.  
“What were you thinking about?” he continued, seriously again. “You don't have to tell me, if you don't want to!”  
“No... it's okay... I don't know really...Just everything...”  
“Wow... that's great information...” Ashton giggled again and Luke just listened and felt the need to explain himself.  
“I'm not very good with words!” he said.  
A short silence.  
“Well...no, probably not... everybody could just sit down and write a song that could make people cry, no biggie...” Ashton said, making sure his voice sounded as sarcastic as possible.  
Luke found himself chuckling.  
He had nearly forgotten why he was sitting in here on the floor.  
“About that... it wasn't quite the truth. I actually sat there thinking about the lyrics forever and nothing of it came naturally...” he confessed.  
“I thought so...” He could hear Ash smiling, while saying these words.  
“Why? How did you know?”  
“I didn't know, it just didn't fit the song. It's that kinda song that has lots of meaning in it, but you know, less emotion. It sounds like you prepared the words carefully... like you wanted to achieve something with them. Don't get me wrong... I like that. It's interesting. Emotions are easy to analyse... but well picked words aren't.”  
 _Wow._  
Luke was speechless. He hadn't expected to hear something like that.  
He just realized that he didn't know Ashton at all and that this was their first proper conversation.  
Only the two of them, sober and only separated by a wooden door.  
“I guess you're right...Have you written stuff yourself?” Luke was full of curiosity now.  
“Yeah I've written one or two songs...but you know, nothing like yours!”  
“You need to show me sometime. Only if you want of course.” Luke said.  
“Maybe, yeah... let's see...So are you coming out of there some time soon or do you want to sit in there the whole day?”  
  
Luke would've loved to sit in that bathroom for the rest of the day, talking to Ashton about random things that came into their minds, but he knew he couldn't.  
He stood up, took a quick look in the mirror to make sure he didn't look like a mess and then he opened the door.  
Against his expectation, Ash hadn't moved at all and the movement of the door took him by surprise.  
He spouted a sound of shock and waved his arms around, trying to hold on to something, as he fell over against Luke's legs.  
Luke bursted out laughing.  
“You can't just open the door out of nowhere!!?” Ashton shouted, his voice breaking from the fright.  
That made Luke laugh even harder.  
“You told me not to sit in there all day. I just followed your command!”  
Ashton sat up, grumbling and then he shook his head and started giggling, too.  
“You're an idiot!” he said, looking up at Luke.  
“I know...” the taller one grinned and he confidently put out his hand for Ashton to grab it.  
And he did.  
And it felt like the most normal thing to do, but at the same time a familiar warmth spread out in Lukes gut.  
He hoped that he would never get used to that, no matter if Ashton was out of his league or too cool for him.  
It didn't matter, because all he wanted was to spend time with him and enjoy that feeling forever. He helped him up and held his hand just a little bit longer than necessary, but he was sure the older one didn't notice.  
  
When they got back to the garage, Calum and Michael gave Luke meaningful looks, but he just smiled and tried to ignore their confusion. It must have looked really weird to them.  
Just ten minutes ago he left the room all grumpy and now everything was forgotten. He couldn't quite believe himself, how quick Ashton managed to make him feel better when usually the thoughts and the intensity would've just gotten worse and worse, until he'd be too weak to keep awake.  
He looked at Ashton, who was just smiling the brightest smile again and he couldn't quite believe his eyes.  
How could a single person have that effect on him?  
But as happy as he was, he was a bit scared of the thoughts he had had again and how quickly they took control over him.  
He thought he'd left that chapter of his life behind him and that he'd never have to deal with it again, but that might have been a bit naive of him.  
Not only didn't he want to get bad again, he also had friends now and they didn't know anything about this whole thing.  
In fact Luke didn't tell anybody about it.  
He wasn't even thinking about it.  
He rather wouldn't think about it now either.  
There was no point in thinking about it, he was just a little low today, no need to worry. No need to think about bad times or remember things.  
He was different now and he had friends now. Everything in the past was taboo in his own mind and he wanted to keep it that way.  
No looking back.  
Instead he wanted to look at Ash all day and try to absorb just a little bit of his confidence and positivity by doing so.  
  
The next hour they worked hard and concentrated and Luke felt the change in the mood of everyone. He gave his best to concentrate on the music and sometimes he smiled at the other boys to show them he was all right.  
He didn't want to cause any more problems. They had fun and got some work done and when they decided to finish, he was happy.  
Like nothing ever happened.  
He just didn't want to leave Ashtons garage. When they went in to get their jackets and bags, Ashtons little brother was sat at the kitchen table, writing something carefully into a school notebook. When he saw Ashton come in, he jumped off his chair and ran up to him to cuddle up against his stomach.  
It was the first time Luke actually met one of his siblings. He knew they'd been in the house when they practised, but he'd never seen them.  
Ashton told him he had a brother and a sister.  
Harry, the young boy, who was clinging onto Ash now, whined: “You need to help me! I can't do this, I'm not good at it!” he looked at his older brother upset.  
“What is it?” Ashton said, while mussing up his blonde hair.  
“Maths...I'm too stupid...” the boy said desperately.  
“No you're not, Harry. You are very clever... Actually I think you're cleverer than me. I was never good at Maths. Maths is just stupid, but you need to do it anyway. But you don't have to be good at maths, you're good at other things, like football. Remember when you scored that goal last week and it was just the most brilliant thing ever?” Harry smiled shyly.  
“Let's just say goodbye to the boys and then I'll help you with your homework, okay? You can come to my room and play on my Playstation later, if you don't tell mum...”  
“Really?? Even if it's not the weekend?” Harrys eyes lit up immediately.  
“Yes, even if it's not the weekend, but only if you don't tell Mum. I don't want to get in trouble because of you!” he said and Harry nodded seriously.  
“I won't tell her!” he said. “Are they your friends?” he wanted to know out of nowhere, looking at the three boys who were standing in the hallway the whole time. “Yeah, I'm in a band with them.” Ashton grinned and added: “Guys, that's my brother Harry.”  
“Hi harry... you know what? I'm really bad at maths, too! Most people are.” Luke smiled at the younger boy, who smiled back.“I'm Luke.”  
“I'm Calum and that's Michael.” Calum said from behind. “Wow, thanks Calum, do I look like I can't introduce myself? You embarrassed me!” he dramatically said. Harry laughed.  
“Your friends are weird.” He stated and everybody started laughing.  
“Aren't they?” Ashton agreed.  
  
They said goodbye and Luke enjoyed the way home.  
It was already getting dark outside and he felt tired, but in a good way.  
Seeing Ashton with Harry made him happy. He knew he was a great older brother.  
He hadn't even arrived at home, when he got a message.  
He looked at his phone, expecting it to be his mum, when Ashtons name lit up on the screen.  
Lukes heart was beating fast, while he opened the message.   
  
  
 **Ashton:** I just wanted to tell you that you can always talk to me. I enjoyed talking to you today. Also harry says you are cool... Ash.

  
  
Luke read the message three times before he started typing his response.  
He was so happy, he couldn't concentrate at all.  
As always, he erased his words a few times, before he was okay with what they were saying.  
  
 **Luke:** “Thanks, I enjoyed it, too. Tell Harry I want to get VIP Tickets for his matches once he's famous. See you on Friday? Luke”  
  
He didn't know what else to write.  
It was nice of Ashton to tell him he could talk to him, but it made him feel so needy and he didn't want to be needy.  
Luke arrived at home and threw his phone on his bed.  
Then he brushed his teeth and when he finally finished his evening routine, he lay down exhausted and looked at his phone again.  
Ashtons response was already waiting for him.  
  
 **Ashton:** “Harry says yes to the VIP tickets. :) See you on Friday! Good Night!”


	7. Sick and Tired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a little bit angsty again. D:
> 
> \---------------

Thursday evening Luke sat at his Computer in his room and he didn't feel good.  
He even skipped dinner because he thought he might throw up if he ate anything. He didn't want to admit it, but he was pretty sure he was getting sick.  
His mother brought him some soup, which he hadn't even touched. It was probably already cold, but he just couldn't think of eating anything and his head started hurting, too.

He was scrolling down his facebook page and felt his mood drop, as he saw all the fake people with their fake adventures and their fake perfect lifes.  
He didn't want to be bitter and it's not that he wasn't happy with the life he got, it was just not that glamorous or interesting.  
He didn't update his Account at all, he mostly just used the site for its mail system.  
He had so many old messages in his inbox, which he never replied to and it stressed him to think about it, but as he felt sick already he could as well just take a look at them.

Ten minutes later he found himself deep into an old message from an old friend of him. It was a boy he was friends with before he got close to Calum and Michael.  
Luckily he left the school, but he used to treat Luke like shit for years. Luke hated to think about him and he felt bitterness and sadness come up inside him, when he looked at all the false nice words they exchanged.  
 _That asshole_ , he thought.  
He'd use to embarrass Luke in front of other people and make fun of him when they were in a group of kids, but then when they were alone he told him he was his best friend and how important their friendship was. He was the most manipulate person Luke ever knew.  
After twenty more minutes of digging in his triggering past, he felt like shit. Not only physical, because his stomach still made weird noises, but now he also felt sad and angry and most of all bitter. He thought about how much he hated that guy.  
Luke thought that without him he would never have started feeling so small and insecure. He may have some self respect now, but that dick took it from him then. He also knew that blaming everything on one person wasn't very realistic, but he needed to do that at the moment.

That's what bitterness does to you... 

At some point he had to physically drag himself away from the Computer, to avoid even more damage being done, but it was already pretty bad. He felt like crying, when he finally lay down on his bed , trying to get some sleep. He couldn't stop thinking, it was horrible.

Why did people and scenarios from the past have such a big effect on him, they were long ago and things had changed.

He had friends now. Real friends.

But it felt like he had no control over it and the thoughts often managed to get him in a bad mood.  
He pressed his hand against his stomach, when his phone started ringing. “Ugggggh no.” he moaned, before he got up and searched for his jeans, where he assumed his phone would be.

“Hello?” he answered it. He'd already seen on the screen that it was Calum.  
"Hi Cal." “Luke? Hi, uhm, I need your help. Remember that thing we have to write for English? Is it 'till tomorrow or Monday?” Luke thought he sounded a little bit drunk.

“Oh god, shit, I totally forgot about that. I'm pretty sure it's tomorrow....” He heard a different, annoyed voice coming from the background: “Well fuck it, I'm not starting this shit tonight.” It was Michael and Luke had to smile a little, because it was just so typical. 

“Well me neither, because I'm sick and I don't even know if I go to school tomorrow.” Luke said.  
“What's wrong?” Calum wanted to know.  
“I don't know, I just feel like throwing up and everything hurts.”  
“That's shit, mate. Will you come to band practise then?”  
“I don't know...” Luke said honestly, but then he heard another voice, whispering on the other side of the phone. “Tell him he has to come!”

Wait...Was that Ashton? Luke was sure it was him, he'd recognize his voice everywhere. Why were they with Ashton?  
“Was that Ash?” he said and he couldn't hold back his surprise. “What the fuck are you doing?”  
“We're just... you know... we're with a few people at his house...We wanted to ask you, but it was kinda spontaneous really...” You could hear how guilty Calum felt.  
“Yeah, sure... no it's all right.” Luke lied. He had to keep his shit together now. His stomach was rumbling and his voice started shaking, because he started feeling sicker and sicker.  
“Luke, we really wanted to ask you to come, you can come over now if you want to, but you're sick anyway...”  
“Yeah, no I'm just gonna go to sleep and you know... Probably not going to school tomorrow.” Luke had to hold back tears at this point, he tried hard not to let his voice break. The last thing he wanted was them to notice how hurt he was right now.  
“Guys, I need to go... I think I'll throw up...” he said and every word was true. He felt his mouth getting watery and his gag reflex started out of nowhere. He stood up from his bed. “Okay, I'll just bring you the school stuff tomorrow! Feel better, Lukey-boy.” he heard Calum say but he ended the call without saying goodbye.

Luke was already on the way to the toilet, it was getting serious now. His legs were shaking and he couldn't go fast. He stumbled to the bathroom and made it just in time. He kneeled on the ground, his hands on the toilet and threw up everything he'd eaten that day, which was not much, so he mostly just gagged and some stomach acid came up and at some point he started crying. He felt miserable and pathetic, but it was just too much. Why had everything has to be shit? He sat there for a little while, crying silently and his head kept hurting. 

His stomach felt better, when he lay down on his bed again, but throwing up didn't help that feeling in his throat, which made it hard to breathe. That big weight on his chest. That feeling of betrayal in his heart. He was so disappointed and he felt like someone had punched him right in the gut.  
Why were they at Ashtons house, with Ashtons friends and probably getting drunk, while he sat at home, crying like a little kid? Did they talk about him? Did they decide together, not to invite him over, because he was so boring? Did Ashton say something about him sitting alone in the bathroom, talking nonsense that day?

He started crying again and he hated himself for it, but he couldn't control himself, because his whole body felt so weak and his mind was plotting his own destruction.  
Why would they do this to him? He regretted it so much, that he told them he liked the kiss. What if they told Ashton about him and what if they laughed all together at how stupid Luke was.  
He was glad he didn't have to go to school the next day, he was glad he had an excuse to be alone in his room a little longer. It took some time and more troubled thoughts, until he finally fell asleep.


	8. Visit of a friend

The next day he stayed at home, like planned.  
His body felt better already, but his thoughts were as dark as the night before. He spent his day sleeping and playing Pc-games, he didn't bother to change his clothes.  He was alone at home and he was still bitter about his friends having fun without him.  
  
Late in the afternoon he got a message from Calum.  


 **Calum:** I can't come over today cause I have training. Forgot about that, sorry! Hope you're well! :)  
  
 Luke knew it wasn't just a bad excuse, because Calum always headed off to football training on Fridays after band practise, but he didn't care anyway.  
He didn't want to see anyone and definitely didn't want to do homework or something.  
It was better to be alone for now. He wouldn't want Calum to feel bad for him anyway.  
Early in the evening he ate with his parents, when they came home. Just a small bowl of soup, but that was more than the day before.  
He didn't feel like throwing up any more, but it didn't taste good to him either. He just didn't want to make his Mum worry about him.  
  
“How do you feel?” his dad wanted to know.  
“Better, I don't even know what that was...” He told him. “I probably just ate something wrong.”  
“But you're not getting bad again, do you?” the worried expression on his fathers face sickened him. He didn't want them to always think that. He didn't want them to always worry so much. Even if he was getting worse, it's not like he'd have told them anyway.  
“No, it was really just a headache and I felt a little sick, but it's better now.” He reassured him.  
“You know, maybe you're stressed out a bit.”  
"School is a bit much at the moment. That is all." Luke lied again. It was the easiest way to get out of this, he thought.  
"I see... but you still spend time with Calum and Michael, right?"  
“Yes, dad, it's all right. I'm fine.” he hissed. He felt his heart beat faster.  
“Well, you don't look fine...”  
“Then what do you want to hear?” Luke raised his voice a little bit. He didn't even know why, but he was getting so angry. “What exactly do you want me to say, so you don't have to worry?”  
“I just want you to tell us the truth, Luke! How the hell are we supposed to help you if you don't tell us what you think?” his dad was getting louder, too.  
He seemed to be confused about what he did wrong and Luke knew he was being unfair, but there was so much anger in him and it just wanted to get out.  
“I don't want your help! I don't even need your help! I'M FINE!”.  
"You always say that, Luke!" his dad shouted "YOU ALWAYS TELL US YOU'RE FINE AND THEN YOU BREAK DOWN AGAIN!"  
Luke just was starting to shout something back at his dad, when suddenly the doorbell rang.  
They got silent all of a sudden and his mum, who had listened silently the whole time, stood up and got to the door. Luke completely forgot about her and he felt bad for making such a scene. He was angry at his dad and his friends and not her. Did she just wipe her eyes, when she left through the door?  
Lukes chest felt heavy all of a sudden. Why did he always do this to her? Luke just stared at his dad and was about to leave the room, to go upstairs and shut himself away from his parents for a while, when he heard his mum talk to someone at the front door.  
  
“Are you a friend of Luke?” she asked friendly and her voice sounded tired. “Yes, I'm the new one in the band...” Luke could hear the cheeky grin in these words and without seeing him, he knew who it was.  
He looked down on himself and closed his eyes. _Shit shit shit._ He wore nothing but boxers and an old shirt and _oh no_ , there even was a stain of soup on it.  
He wouldn't have time to change his clothes now and there was no way he could just pretend he wasn't at home, because his mum already called his name.  
"Luke, a friend of yours!"  
At least he tried to fix his mess of hair, before he got to the door and saw Ashton standing there talking to his mother like he knew her for ages.  
He could tell from what he saw, that he looked as perfect as ever and it made him feel even worse.  
“Yes, I started playing when I was about seven and it's still the best thing...oh hi Luke!” Ash smiled at him and rolled up one of his sleeves again, which had fallen down.  
That's when Luke noticed, he wore the Kurt Cobain Shirt again. Luke wanted to disappear. He didn't want to be reminded of the compliment he made about that shirt, which led to the kiss, which led to him feeling like shit because he actually felt something, while Ashton was just drunk and messing around. And now he was standing there in that exact shirt and in the skinny jeans and the bandana and some curls were falling in his face, but he didn't mind.  
He just smiled at Luke and when his mother awkwardly left them alone, Luke knew, he had to say something.  
“Sorry about that...” He pointed at his own clothes “but I didn't expect you to come.”  
“You should see me, when I'm sick. That's nothing compared to me! Didn't Calum tell you that I come?”  
“No... I mean, he told me he had training, but I haven't looked at my phone since... so... I don't know. How did you know where I live?” he wondered.  
“Calum told me... it wasn't that hard actually, I'm horrible with directions, but this was easy.” A short silence.  
“Sorry, do you want to come in?” Luke said and he felt like an idiot.  
“If that's okay...” Ash smiled and looked at him unusually shy. Luke opened the door a bit wider and stepped aside and he watched Ashton get out of his shoes quickly. Then he followed Luke to his room, which was upstairs.  
“It's a bit messy...” His room looked like hell, there was clothes all over the place and his bed wasn't made and some dirty dishes were standing around here and there. Luke just hoped, there weren't any boxers laying around. He put on trousers quickly, while Ash wasn't looking and he nearly fell while doing so.  
When Luke turned around, he saw him giggling silently.  
“So, Calum gave me some stuff to bring you. Some homework and a test you got back and yeah...I haven't really looked at it.” Ash told him, while he casually sat down on Lukes bed.  
“That's probably the English test... yes it is. Cool.” he said while looking at his test.  
“Show me...” Ash told him “WOW, that's incredible. Do you always get As?”  
“Not always, but English is one of my better classes...” A short silence emerged, where Ashton just looked over the test and Luke looked at Ashton.  
"I didn't know you were one of the smart kids. All I get is Ds and Es... I'm not even sure how I'm gonna pass this year!" He laughed. "I actually hoped I could give you some extra lessons at some point, because I'm a bit ahead of you...but that's probably not a good idea. I'm just gonna embarass myself." Luke giggled. He thought that was the cutest thing in the world.  
"No I really need someone to study with...We can like...help each other out." He said confidently and hoped that didn't sound as sexual as it felt.  
"Yeah. You probably end up teaching me, but whatever, it's not like I don't need it." They laughed and Luke looked down at his hands, holding the papers, when Ashton suddenly got serious.  
“Luke...” he took a deep breath. “I'm sorry.”  
“For what?”  
“For yesterday. I felt so bad after they rang you...” he started and Luke sighed. “You know, Calum and Michael came over after school because Michael forgot his jacket with his money in it...anyway I had some friends over already and then I just told them to stay if they want to and it was only half a hour later that they called you to ask if you'd want to come, too.”  
“Why are you telling me all this?” Luke asked.  
It felt good understanding it a bit better, but it was still awkward talking about it. And he still felt left out and wondered what he missed and he hated the fact, that his friends now knew Ashtons friends better but he didn't.  
He was scared, they'd just leave him behind and started doing things without him... What if they kicked him out of the band one day?  
“Because if I was you, I'd feel like shit if my friends had fun without me and then call and talk about stupid homework...” Ash explained. “And I wanted you to know that it wasn't like that and that I'm not trying to steal your friends or something!” he smiled a little bit, but Luke could tell that he was absolutely serious about it.  


The thing was... at the moment Luke wasn't afraid of him stealing his friends. He didn't want them to know Ash better than he did.   
He was jealous, but not of Ashton.  
“I don't think that.” he said truthfully. “It wasn't a big deal, it was just a bit weird.”  
“Besides it wasn't the same without you. It felt weird not being the whole band!” Ashton said. "We even cancelled practise today, because it would be stupid without you!"  
“So they're not planning on kicking me out?” Luke just couldn't hold back these words, even if they sounded incredibly pathetic and stupid. He tried to let it sound like a joke, but his honest relief just ruined it.  
He wouldn't be able to let go of that thought if nobody reassured him it was only his fantasy playing tricks on him.  
“What? Why would they ever do that? Is that really what you're scared of?” Ashton said, looking at him flustered.  
“I know it's stupid... but yeah, I thought about it.” Luke regretted saying anything at all.  
“They would never kick you out of the band, Luke! You are the band... Why would they want to lose you and how the hell would they go on as a band? If you left the band I'd leave, too, because we'd be crap without you.”  
Luke felt himself smiling again, but Ashton took it the wrong way.  
“Don't laugh at me! I mean it, your singing is what makes the band a good one!” Ashton was determined to get his point across.  
“I wasn't laughing at you! It's just good to hear...” he explained.  
Another silence.  
For a while they just sat on the bed together and Luke pretended to look through the homework Ash brought him. But he couldn't care less about it. He was thinking about the nice words he just heard and his insecurity was nearly gone by that moment. When he talked to the drummer it felt like they knew each other for ages and like he could have told him anything.  
But when they just sat next to each other in silence, he felt the tension in his body getting bigger again, too.  
They were so close, sitting on the same bed. He could have easily leaned over Ashton to kiss him, but this one had different thoughts on his mind.  
  
“Can I ask you something?” Ash started cautious.  
“Yeah... what is it?”  
“What were you and your dad arguing about earlier? I'm sorry I heard it... I didn't listen on purpose, but in my defence, you guys were pretty loud.” Luke nearly forgot about that. Of course Ashton had heard something.  
“Oh... that... It was nothing... I...my parents are just a bit overprotective and it annoys me sometimes...it was nothing, really...” Luke tried to leave out the part, where they really had reasons to worry about him in the past, because he didn't want to talk about that. Ever. He didn't want Ashton to know about how much of a loser he'd been and about how bad he'd felt. But he didn't know how much Ash had heard.  
He hated the fact that he heard them at all. Him yelling at his dad.  
“Okay... But you know you can talk to me, when you need to?”  
“Yeah, I guess... “ Luke said. He didn't know what to do or say.  
Ashton was so caring and nice. He felt like he didn't deserve that.  
That was when he really realized that this was the first time they were alone.  
Like...  
Without other people around them. Unless maybe when they kissed. There were people in the house, but Luke remembered that it felt like they were alone in the whole world. Ash stood up and started to examine his room and Luke was totally okay with that.  
He watched his every move and when Ash turned his back to him, he let his eyes wander over his stature, how his muscular back looked, how tense the fabric got around his shoulders and how his shirt wrinkled when he moved. He couldn't help but look down on him and his butt looked so good in the black skinny jeans.  
And _oh no..._  
 _Oh god._  
Not only did he feel himself getting flustered and his heart racing, he even felt a bulge emerging in his own skinny jeans.  
This was bad.  
 Luke had had boners before. Lots of them. Always, anywhere, often without obvious reasons, but this was the first time he got one looking at a male body.  
A male body, which was currently exploring his room.  
Luke was nervous.  
 What if the other boy saw his boner? What if he decided to make fun of him? He should've known by now, that Ashton wasn't the kind of person who'd make fun of him and he was wearing extremely tight jeans and the fabric was too thick, to see anything...  
He still kept his hands in his crotch , just in case.  
But Luke couldn't stop thinking about it. This was getting pretty serious pretty fast. He didn't know how to feel about it. Not only was this his first time being aroused by a man, but he also was only looking at him.  
Maybe he was just extremely horny and lonely in general.  
But a part of him, which was not his penis, knew that it wasn't just that, because there was something about Ashton that made him stay up at night, thinking about him.  


“Can I ask you something?” Luke heard himself say and before he could stop his mouth from moving, the words came out, just like he thought them. “Why did you kiss me at the party? Like..why me?” He had that question in his head since the day it happened and it felt unbelievably scary and relieving at the same time to actually ask it. His heart was racing and some time went by. Nearly enough time to make him regret his question.  
He dared looking up to Ashton now, who had turned around and looked at him openly surprised and confused. This was one of the rare times Luke caught him off guard.  
“Uhhm... like I told you, I was completely drunk and you know... you were standing there in front of me, looking all cute... It just happened, really...I don't know...I'm actually pretty sure there are lots of people who'd like to kiss you...one of the girls actually asked me for your name, after she heard you sing...”    
He obviously tried to change the topic, but Luke was okay with that because he was still completely stunned by the answer he got.  
Ashton called him cute. Was that a good thing? Did he want to be cute?  
Puppies are cute and penguins, but did he want Ash to see him like that? On the other side it really wasn't the worst answer. He could as well have said he kissed him because he felt bad for him. That would've been much worse.  
“You don't have to lie to make me feel good...” he began.  
“No, I swear to god, she literally came to me and asked who you are and I told her!” Ashton said lightly frustrated.  
“All right, I believe you. It's just hard to believe something like that. It doesn't happen too often.” he said.  
Ashton sat down besides him again. “Do you have a girlfriend or anything like that?” he asked out of the blue and he sounded shyer than usually, which made Luke extra nervous.  
“Nope, you'd know by now if I had one! How about you? Your friends at the party, the ones who made the candle heart, they were fit. All of the boys were wondering which one is yours.” Luke tried to sound cool, like the boys did back then, a little bit macho, just a little bit. He wasn't even sure if it sounded the way he wanted it to.  
“What? No! I've known them all for ages, no way I could get off with one of them. They're all taken anyway...”  
Luke smiled. He was relieved to hear that he was single, it got his hopes up a little bit, which was probably not good for him, but he couldn't help it.  
They sat there for another short time, both following their own thoughts.  
When Luke looked up, Ashton was already staring at him and there was something in his eyes, that made Lukes stomach go crazy.  
Ashton looked insecure, vulnerable...nearly nervous as he said: “Luke...”  
Lukes heart started racing.  
“Yes?”  
Only now he realized how close they were and how Ashton pressed his clenched fist onto the bed. Luke would have loved to hold it. To lay his own hand on Ashtons and feel how his muscles relaxed under his touch, but before he could think about doing it, Ashton stood up and quickly said “It's...It's nothing... I just think I have to go now, I told my brother to help him with his homework again.”  
 _What?_  
Where did that come from? Did Luke do something? Did he miss something?  
“Oh, okay, sure..." they both stood up "Thanks for bringing this stuff and everything...” Luke said confused.  
He watched Ashton shoulder his rucksack and he wondered if he had done something wrong. The older one looked as confused, as Luke felt and he really wondered what had happened in his mind that unsettled him that much. When they went down the stairs Ash seemed to pull himself together, because he was talking to Luke completely normally.  
He showed Ashton to the front door of the house and when they stood at the door he thanked him again and said: “Tell Harry I said hi.”  
Ashton grinned, like he always did, and nothing pointed to the fact that he looked like a confused mess just minutes ago.  
How did he do that?  
“I will. See you at band practise?” he smiled.  
“Yep.”  
Luke also smiled and then he watched Ashton go down the street and he had to force himself to get back into the house after his friend was long out of sight.  
What did he do wrong?  
Why did Ashton act so odd suddenly?  
  
Luke went to bed early that day.  
He was still sick after all and the day turned out being more exhausting than he'd thought. He mostly lay in bed, but the fight with his dad and Ash standing in front of his door unannounced was too much for him. He thought about what happened for a few more minutes, while still lying in bed and he couldn't help feeling slightly ashamed of thinking over the things he had said and done that day.  
Did he really ask Ash why he'd kissed him?  
Why the hell did he do that?  
But he couldn't really regret it, because he remembered that Ash told him, he was cute.  
Luke couldn't help blushing.  
Alone in his room.  
And oh god.  
 _No, not again._ Why was he turned on again? He felt like such a loser, but that didn't bother his erection it seemed. He closed his eyes and just sighed out loudly and dramatically. Luke was really glad that humans were still not able to read each others minds, because it would've been really awkward if anyone knew what he was thinking of now. _Fuck it_ , he thought.  
He was jerking off all the time and this time was no different. Everybody did it, right? And there's no way anybody would know that he would be thinking of a boy, while doing it. It was quite exciting actually. He closed his eyes again and thought of the scene from earlier that day, Ashton exploring his room, but in his mind it wouldn't end like it did.  
  
The best thing about imagination was that it had no limits and Luke would sure as hell take advantage of that fact.


	9. Study Session

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it took me so long, I wasn't feeling good and yeah, I hope you guys like this chapter. (:

The whole next week went by without anything interesting happening in Lukes life.  
One day he suddenly realized how far behind he was in more than one class in school, so he decided, he had to do more. In his case 'doing more' meant 'doing anything at all'.  
He didn't even bother about homework the last few weeks and he couldn't blame his Mum for worrying about his grades. Luke was very good in English and even History and he quite liked Music and Art, too, but when it came to science-oriented subject, like Maths or Physics, he didn't even know what was happening most of the time.  
Studying was nasty, because it was mid-November and the weather was amazing.  
Everyone around him kept talking about what they had planned for the upcoming summer holidays and it started to annoy him.  
Luke didn't have anything planned, other than celebrating Christmas with his family like every year.  
His older brothers would come to visit and his Mum would make a nice meal. He'll probably have to stress himself over presents until the very last minute, like every year.

So, nothing special.  
For the moment he had to trudge through his Maths book though.

He had read the question in his book about ten times, but he had still no idea what he was supposed to do, so he was very grateful, when his phone started ringing.

He saw a very unfavourable picture of Michael light up on his phone.

“Hello?” he answered it.  
“Hi, it's me, how are you?”  
“Fine. I'm trying to do the Maths homework...” Luke sighed.  
“Oh god, I already gave up on it. But that's actually why I called. I still have to study for English and Calum says we should make a study group...like, today.”  
“Do you really think we concentrate on studying, when we're all together? Remember last time? We played video games the whole time...” Luke said.  
But he was already convinced. It was a lot better than sitting here all by himself.

“Well yes, because this time we have Ashton as a coach.” Luke could hear the grin in Michaels voice.  
“Ash is coming, too?”  
“Oh my god, I knew you would like that!” Michael laughed and then Luke heard the sound of a doorbell on the other end of the phone.  
“I think that's Ash, I have to open the door. Just come to my house, okay? And hurry up, you don't want us being alone with him too long, right?” Michael laughed and before Luke could say anything in response Michael hung up.

Luke turned red, but he had no time realizing it. He knew Michael was joking... he had to be joking, but... you never know with those two.  
Luke hurried and changed from his sweatpants to a pair of black skinny jeans and spent too much time deciding on a shirt to wear.  
Ashton hadn't acted weird again since he left Lukes room in a hurry the other day and Luke managed to stop worrying about it. He just wanted to enjoy the time he could spend in this boys presence.

He used just a little bit more hairspray than usually and his quiff was just a little bit bigger.

It was kinda daring. At least by Lukes standards.  
“It's okay.” he said quietly to his reflection in the mirror, after checking his hair one last time.

  
It was okay.  
It was okay that he wanted to look good for him.

He could live with having a crush on a boy.  
It was okay that he was in a band with that boy and it was okay that that one would never like him back.  
As long as he could enjoy talking to him and watching him and over all admiring him. As long as he could hear him drumming two times a week and shyly look over to him, while playing the guitar and singing all of these songs, covers and originals, that suddenly all evolved around Ashton Irwin in his head. It was like all of these songs were written about him and Luke only had to find out about it.  
But it was okay.

He liked the feeling, it was exciting. He was a little bit afraid and he felt so vulnerable in his presence, but at the same time safer than anywhere else.

It was okay.  
Luke stuffed his schoolbooks into his rucksack and left the house without another look into the mirror.  
  
When he arrived at Michaels house fifteen minutes later, his Mum opened the door.  
“Luke! Nice to see you! How are you?” she smiled friendly.  
“I'm great, thanks. Thanks for having me!” he said politely.  
“Oh you know we love to have you over. You look great today, new hair?” she looked at his styled hair.  
“Err, no it's just...I just tried something new. Is it too much?” Luke asked and felt absolutely ridiculous. Michaels Mum just giggled. “You look amazing. I like it. Now join the boys, they're waiting for you!” she said.  
He smiled shyly. This was awkward, but Michaels Mum was just too lovely to really feel bad about yourself.  
He took a deep breath before knocking on his friends' door. He heard some mumbling voices and then a voice “Just come in, Luke, you don't have to wait outside like a stray cat.”  
 _Thanks a lot, Michael._  
Luke opened the door and found the three boys sitting across the room, everyone seemingly concentrated on their own homework and whatsoever.  
Calum lay broadly on Michaels bed, spreading his large limbs in all directions. He looked like he'd already given up on whatever he was attempting to do.  
Mikey was sat on his work desk, where he probably didn't spend too much time, unless he had to.

And then Lukes eyes found their way to Ashton. Luke had controlled himself, not to stare at him at first, but when he finally did, it was hard to stop looking at him.  
Ashton was sitting on the left side of the room, leaning against the big, blue wardrobe, wearing a dark yellow flannel shirt and Luke thought he looked like art even more than like an artist in that moment.  
A few books were waiting in his lap, like they just belonged there and he played with a pencil in his hand, like he usually did with his drumsticks. And something else was different.

Luke knew it, the moment Ash looked up to him, to greet him with a big, sunny, smile.

Glasses.   
He was wearing glasses and he looked absolutely stunning.  
Luke had to force himself to look away and sit down on the opposite side of the room, even though it wasn't easy finding a comfortable position to sit. He ended up sitting crossed legged, without anything to lean on.  
He felt so boyish with his little attempt to make his quiff just a tiny bit bigger than usually and Ashton looked so grown up.  
Like a proper adult. Like the 20 year old man that he was.  
“So basically...” Calum broke the natural silence that had built in the room, because everyone was dealing with their own things “Michael needs your help with English and I could use some help, too, and yeah....we've given up on maths and Ashton has to write a thing for...what was it?”  
“Philosophy.” Ashton grinned.  
“Yeah, right. Because apparently there's a philosophy class at our school.”

Luke was afraid he couldn't control his facial features, so he decided to join the conversation.  
“Does that mean, we'll have Philosophy as well next year?”  
“No it's just a special class for the special little snowflake that I am.” Ashton said, smiling.  
Calum shook his head in confusion. “I don't understand how you can take a class like that by choice... I would never do that, but I think... well... somebody's gotta do it, right?”  
“Just because you're already overwhelmed with drawing a tree in art class.” Michael said, without looking up from his paper.  
“That's so not true” Calum defended himself “I am a great artist, I'm like the next Picasso.”  
Luke had to laugh. He knew Calum's drawings for school and they were more like bad comedy than anything near art, but he chose to keep his mouth shut about it.  
“So, are you gonna help me now or what?” Michael interrupted their laughter.  
“Yeah...sure.”

Luke joined Michael at the desk and tried his best to explain to him what he was expected to do for his essay. With every time his friend didn't understand something, Luke felt more nervous and sometimes he glanced at Ashton, to see if he was still concentrated on his own work. If he followed their conversation, he didn't show it.  
“Yeah, no, I'd write that first, to....like...to accentuate your statement.” Luke said, shyly. The last thing he wanted to do was lecture someone or seem arrogant.  
“Oh, listen, the professor has spoken!” Calum, who started to take notes as well, said and Ash giggled silently to himself, without looking up.

Luke poked his friend in the side and earned a guilty glimpse. “Oh come on, Lukey, that was a compliment!”  
The three of them, gathering around the working space, exchanged meaningful glances. They spoke through mimic and silently hissed words, through embarrassing obvious eye motions in Ashtons direction.

Luke wasn't sure what his friends were trying to tell him, but he was sure he didn't like how obvious they attempted it. He was trying to hide his massive crush and they didn't quite help with that.  
Luke needed to get out for a second, just to calm down his excited heart.  
“I'll be right back.” he said and stood up to get to the door.

But Calum, that idiot, didn't let him.  
“Where are you going?” he asked confused and Luke could've slapped him.  
“To the toilet, calum.” he said emphatically.  
He opened the door and when he thought he had finally left his morons of friends behind, he heard Michael say.  
“I'm just gonna.... show him where the toilet is.”  
 _Seriously?_  
When Luke turned around in disbelief, Michaels face showed panic and confusion.  
As soon as the door was closed, Luke facepalmed himself.  
“What the fuck, dude? What the actual fuck? Show me where the toilet is? I've been here a million times. ASHTON KNOWS THAT!”  
“I know, oh my god, I'm sorry. I panicked! I just needed a reason to leave with you!”  
“WHY?” Luke said way too loud.  
“I just wanted to ask you some things... like... about ash.”  
Lukes heart hadn't stopped beating overly dramatic, since he left the room. He wanted to leave in order to calm down, now he was even more excited than before.  
“Oh so you thought you'd just embarrass all of us in front of him.” Luke couldn't help but let out a laugh.  
“Well different from some people, Cal and I aren't absolutely crushing on him.”  
“I'm not crushing on...”  
“Oh shut up, Luke, we don't have time for this.”  
They were sitting on the ground in the hallway now, as far away from the others as possible.  
“So do you still... like him?” Michael grinned.  
Luke couldn't help smiling. He had held back this feeling the whole time, but now he just wanted to smile and giggle and blush and he hated the fact that Michael saw him like this.  
“It's like...I try to concentrate, on your essay for example, but I feel his presence all the time...was he watching us?”  
“I don't know, I was trying to get my essay done! But like... we talked about you, Cal and I, and we shouldn't have told you that you have no chance with him.”  
“Why not? You were just being honest.” Luke sighed.  
“Yeah but, you didn't even have a chance to try yet and maybe...” Michael rubbed his face, as if it was really difficult to talk about this whole thing “...all I want to say is, forget my essay, go over to Ash and....you know... maybe ask for help in Maths.”  
“But he said, he's terrible at Maths...” Luke moaned.  
“Yes Luke, that's called modesty. He is that kinda guy.”  
“But like, we're both shit at Maths probably.” Luke continued.  
“LUKE, this is not about Maths, okay? Just do something! Talk to him! Ask about his freaking Philosophy or whatever, it doesn't matter how boring it is, just do it!” Michael sounded really frustrated now.  
“I'm sorry.” Luke said.  
“Luke, for fucks sake...”

“I'm shit at this, aren't I?” Luke interrupted him.  
“No, you're not...” Michaels face got softer again. ”You just need someone to push you a little.”  
They sat there a while, following their own thoughts.

  
“Thanks. Really!” Luke smiled finally. He was so grateful that his friend had taken the time and that he cared. He didn't have to do this and Luke knew it wasn't a matter of course.  
“No big deal, it's just getting annoying to see you with those big heart eyes, you look like the emoji!”  
“But you know” Luke began out of nowhere “ it's probably pretty interesting, his philosophy thing...” He was completely serious.  
“Oh god, this is what I mean, let's go back, you're scaring me!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter comes really soon, guys (:


	10. Study Session 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains some mental health issues and the mention of suicide, so this is your warning. 
> 
> Also massive cock-blocking performed by Michael Clifford. Damnit Mikey!

Michael quickly nodded to Luke, who nearly started to panic, when he opened the door.  
  
“We started worrying about you guys.” Ash said with a smile on his face, when Michael sat back down on his chair and Luke had no idea what to do next.  
He decided that it would look partly awkward, partly creepy if he just sat down beside Ashton, so he searched in his rucksack for his Maths book and sat down in front of the bed, way closer too Ash than before.  
  
“We've just been to the kitchen to drink something.” This time, Michaels lie was a lot closer to success than the last one, but not quite, because Calum just said: “Well thanks a lot for bringing your guests something to drink, too.” After which Michael stood up to go to the kitchen, mumbling something about ungratefulness and helping hands in the household.  
Luke tried his hardest to pretend to be studying.  
His whole body felt Ashtons glances though.  
It only took two minutes, until the older boy pointed at the open Maths book and said: “Can I take a look on that?”  
 _Yes._  
Luke tried not to smile too big. “Yeah of course. That's the stuff I was telling you about the other day.”  
“Let's see how much ahead I really am...yeah...I remember that... oh god that was absolute shit...” he mumbled to himself, while Luke watched him in awe.  
When Mike came back with drinks he gave Luke a proud and encouraging look.  
  
“So it seems like I remember more than I thought, but it's still not my best class. Just ask if you don't understand something and we can try together...” he gave him back his book.  
And they did that.  
Luke wouldn't like to play the dumb one to get closer to Ashton, but luckily he didn't have to, because he really didn't understand a thing. So he didn't have to lie, whenever he asked him for help. 

Only another ten minutes later Luke sat besides the smaller boy and they were leaning over the book together.   
Luke felt a bit bad, because Ashton was doing all of the work and the concentrating, but his mind was just not able to.  
He was busy trying to breath normally and wondering if the other one could hear his heart racing.  
When they finally managed to finish his homework together, Luke had at least five pages of paper full with Ashtons handwriting and scribbling.  
  
“Did you get any of that? I barely understood what I was doing, so...”  
  
“No, yeah, thanks. You really helped me and now I can finally close this stupid book!”  
  
“To open another... “ Ash added with a cheeky grin on his face. “Because now you need to help me with my debate in Philosophy. Like... I did fucking Maths for you, that's the least you can do!”  
Luke tried to sound as annoyed as possible, but he was glad to have an excuse to keep sitting besides him for a little longer.  
“Well if I have to... What's your debate about?” he asked.  
“Okay, well... I chose Sokrates for my presentation, because that guy is amazing. Have you heard of Sokrates? He's that greek philosopher, that died for his beliefs..." Luke had no idea which one he meant. He probably heard about him in school once, but there were so many people he learned about.  
He just shook his head no and looked at the other guys for help. They didn't seem to have any idea either.  
  
“Oh come on, guys... It's Sokrates! He's a legend. He's the one that kinda looks like a pug...no? Well, I'm just gonna start anyway.”  
“Wait. What am I supposed to do?” Luke asked.  
“You just need to listen a bit and tell me when you don't understand something. And then let's just try and have a discussion and _stop laughing_ Calum, I need a good grade on this and it'd be actually really interesting if you just listened!” Luke looked at him, smiling, and he couldn't help but admire the enthusiasm in Ashtons face. It was like he really cared about this topic for some reason and Luke didn't want to ruin it for him.  
He wanted to listen to him all day if that was possible.  
  
“I listen.”  
Luke smiled and he could hear Michael whisper “of course he does” to Calum. And he just hoped that Ash was too concentrated to hear it, too.

“Thanks, Luke. We could as well just do this in the hallway or something. These guys only make fun of me.” Luke felt his heartbeat get faster than it felt healthy and he couldn't help but look at his friends, who looked back at him with big eyes, as if to say “if you don't take this chance, we're gonna kick your ass, Luke.”  
  
So he said: “Yeah, let's go.” He had to control himself, not to sound too excited, so they just stood up and he followed Ashton through the door and they sat down where he and Michael sat just half an hour ago.  
  
“Okay. I just really love philosophy, okay. I was afraid the guys make fun of me, but I trust you, Luke.”  
“Okay...” Luke said.  
“Philosophy is amazing, once you get into it. It's just so interesting and you learn so many things about life and about yourself!” Ashtons voice sounded so excited about telling Luke and that one found it to be the cutest thing in the whole world. He could have watched him talk about it forever and he wasn't even very interested in it.  
“I bet it is. I just don't know anything about it...” He said.  
“Well good for you that I'm gonna tell you now.” Ash smiled. “So... Sokrates basically just ran around and asked random people on the street questions and they had discussions on the street, just like that, and in the end he was sentenced to death because of that. Because he was apparently spoiling the youth and stuff when he in fact just told them to think more. And then the thing happened. His friends came to free him, but he said, he preferred dying for his beliefs rather than living and shutting his mouth forever. So he drank the poison from the famous Cup of Hemlock and died. Isn't that crazy? He believed so much in what he was doing, that he'd rather die than give that up. Isn't that incredible?”  
  
Luke couldn't take his eyes of Ashtons face. He was so enthusiastic about it. It made Luke realize how little he knew about the person in front of him. So little information, yet enough to completely fall for him.  
But he was also touched by the story.  
It made him angry.  
  
“That's... that's crazy. Why would he do that?” he suddenly felt a weight on his chest and he just wished that it'd go away.   
  
“Because he believed in it...”  
  
“Yes, no I get that... But it doesn't make sense to me. He was healthy and all. How can death ever be the better option? He literally could have lived, but decided to die? I can't believe that. He had such a great mission and he threw it away. He's of no use when he's dead. Couldn't he see that?” Luke was out of breath and he barely knew what he was saying. Something inside of him heated up so fast and it felt like he lost control over it.  
  
“Luke...” Ashtons voice got soft. Astonished.   
  
“No... do you know what I mean?” Luke didn't know why he kept talking. _Shut up, you're gonna ruin everything, just shut up._  
  
“Yeah, I think I know what you mean...But he died like 400 BC and he was 71 years old...”  
  
“Why does that matter? He could've lived.” he  could hear his own voice trembling with excitement  
  
“What... what is this about, Luke?”   
  
“It's just... I think he made the wrong decision...because I made the same.”  
  
There it was.  
He said it.  
He regretted his words the moment they left his lips, but there was no way back.  
He could see it in Ashtons eyes. 

  
“What do you mean by that, Luke? What are you talking about?”  
  
“Nevermind.”  
  
“No, I want to know what you just told me. I don't understand...”  
  
“It's okay, it's not that important...”  
  
“No Luke, it is. Please. Tell me.”  
  
Luke was close to tears now. This wasn't going the way he wanted it to. He'd imagined them sitting together, having a nice little debate, joking around.  
He wanted to watch Ashton talk and smile and he wanted to admire his intellect, but now he saw a worried and confused look on his face.  
And that look demanded an answer.  
“Are you telling me you wanted to kill yourself?” He said quietly.  
  
Luke felt a single tear escape his eyes.  
“Oh my god, Luke! Did you do anything?”  
A huge silence stood between them. So big that Luke thought he might not be able to ever talk again. But after what seemed to be forever, he found his voice again and when the words came out he was surprised by how resigned they sounded.   
  
“It was an overdose. It was once, but I barely made it.” Now he cried.  
He had never told anybody about this.  
He hadn't even said these words out loud in front of his therapist.  
Of course she knew.  
Of course his parents knew. But that's pretty much it. And he never had to tell someone personally. From face to face.   
Only now he noticed how big that weight had been all the time. How much he'd wanted to tell somebody, but he just forbid himself to even think about it. All the years. And now that boy came into his life and he couldn't lie any longer.  
  
“I had no idea.” Ash said.  
“Nobody has.” Luke answered quietly.   
“Are you telling me the boys don't know about this?” Ashton looked at him unbelieving.  
“I wasn't friends with them at the time and I just never had the courage to tell them.” Luke explained while wiping his eyes.  
“Did you carry this all alone the whole time?” Ashton asked, his voice soft and caring.  
“I guess. I wanted to forget about it. I was very depressed at the time. I spend some time in a psychiatric ward after the.... the attempt.”  
“What was it like?” Ashton wanted to know.  
“It was nice. They cared for me and they helped me a lot. I made some friends and everything... but sometimes I still have these bad phases and it's like going back into that dark place and I don't want that.”  
“Okay... well now you have me and you can always come to me and just talk or just spend time with me if you want to. You can call me whenever you need me. It doesn't matter if it's 3am, okay? If I can help you with anything, just tell me.”  
  
“Thanks, no, I'm just glad I told somebody...”  
They kept quiet for a while, then Ashton broke the silence. “Do you still... want to die? Like, now...how is it now?” He asked carefully.  
Luke took a deep breath and all the courage he could find in his weak body.  
  
“Not once have I thought about it while you were with me.” Luke said honestly. He looked into his eyes and realized once again how close they were sitting. And Luke just felt like this huge weight fell off his shoulders and he felt weak, but in a good way.  
Relieved.  
Exhausted. Who could've known, that telling the truth would be so exhausting.  
“I'm glad...” Ashton said. “I'm so glad you told me! Thanks for telling me, Lukey.” Ashton looked at the younger one shyly. As if to assess, if he went to far with the nickname. Luke smiled at him, to show him that he could do nothing wrong. His heart was beating incredibly fast and hectic again and he couldn't control his emotions. His heart screamed _I love you! I love you so much!_ But he didn't say a word.  
Of course he didn't.  
But he felt so safe sitting besides Ash and he felt so at home.  
  
“Thank you. For listening, I mean.” he said.  
“Of course! If you ever want to tell me more, there's nothing to be afraid of, okay? I'd love to listen!” And then, like it was the most normal thing to do, he slowly put his hand in Lukes and their fingers interlaced and Luke felt the tension in his whole body. His heart was going crazy and he wondered if Ashton felt the same. He sure was breathing faster than usually.  
And he looked at him through his glasses and a few curls were blocking the view to his eyes and Luke was tempted to lift his free hand to put the curls out of Ashtons face, but he couldn't move a finger. He was too afraid, he might scare him away again.  
He didn't want that. He still couldn't believe that he had his big, warm hand in his own after all. It felt so peaceful and yet the longing for more was there, but he couldn't risk loosing this.  
Whatever _this_ was.  
His heart seemed to make a little flip, when Ashtons thumb started stroking his hand softly. Lukes hormones could of course have tricked him into seeing what he wanted to see, but it felt like Ashton was just as nervous as him. There wasn't much of his drunk confident self left from when he stole that kiss at his birthday party. This time they were completely sober, alone and Lukes body was acting up, like he was about to jump from a cliff.  
  
He didn't know why, but a stupid memory came up in his mind.  
There was this one cliff, that all the cool guys were bragging about in school. Apparently you had to have jumped down that stupid, big ass cliff, to be accepted.  
When Luke went there with them, he just stood there for minutes and looked 30feet down and the waves were crashing against the rocks.

Luke was absolutely terrified of the water beneath him.   
Nobody ever checked if there were any huge rocks in the depth of the ocean, but he'd heard enough horrible stories about people jumping from cliffs just like that one and landing on rocks, leaving them paralyzed for the rest of their lifes. If they survived that was.  
And Luke thought about that and those guys kept pressuring him and he just didn't want to jump and he walked away, quietly. He could nearly hear their voices again. Nearly feel the breeze of humiliation on his skin again and the sound of the waves.  
They'd already made fun of him daily and that was the moment he became their victim once for all.  
But Luke stayed strong.  
He never jumped that stupid cliff and there were times he wished death on his bullies. Days when he imagined them jumping straight onto some rocks beneath the water.  
But he knew better now. Bitterness would only make his own heart grow old and heavy and it would never affect these people.  
  
Instead he dragged himself back to the present and his body was still full of adrenaline and in front of him sat Ashton, looking a bit insecure and he'd thought to himself that he'd rather jump into this adventure with this boy and deal with these confusing feelings than jumping off that cliff. He had to smile a little bit, because he caught himself thinking how maybe love was the bigger risk after all. His bullies would never have the courage he'd need for this now. And he slowly leaned his body towards Ashton and searched in his eyes for permission for what he was about to do. His heart was racing with excitement and sudden confidence.

A little breath escaped Ashs mouth and when Luke saw him close his eyes, he knew it was okay to move forward. He was about to close his eyes as well and his heart was about to burst in his chest, when they were abruptly torn back into reality by a loud noise. Luke felt Ashtons hand free itself from his grip and when he followed his shocked look, he saw Mikey stand in the door frame.   
  
“Sorry, oh my god.” he mumbled and went back into his room immediately.  
That extremely awkward move was followed by loud whispers from inside.  
Luke couldn't understand a word, but he started to think about launching his friends into outer space once and for all. He had no idea how rockets worked, but he was tempted to take a course, if that meant he could get rid of his failure of friends this way. He was still in shock and soon disappointment found its way into his heart, but then he found Ashton smiling at him and he forgot about his friends.  


“Maybe that was enough for today.” the older one said, while running his fingers through his hair.  
He was still breathing hard. 

“Yeah, sorry...” Luke stuttered and he had no idea where his confidence went all of a sudden and why it didn't take him with it.   
“Like I told you... philosophy tells you so much about a person.” he grinned and Luke couldn't help but burst into laughter. The sound of their laughing encouraged Calum and Michael to come out of the room and Luke and Ashton stood up, too. Luke knew, he was red like a tomato, but he didn't care.  
This was Michaels fault and he was the only one to blame.  
  
“Okay guys, I think I should go home now.” Ashton said and Calum agreed.  
They all packed their stuff and then Ashton suddenly stopped and said: "Oh my god, I nearly forgot... I wanted to talk to you all earlier, but you were so into your studying that I completely forgot..."  
  
"Forgot what?" Calum asked curiously.   
  
"It's just an idea, it's okay if you think it's stupid... but do you guys have plans for the holidays yet?" he wanted to know and you could see the excitement building up in the room.  
  
"What am I supposed to do? You're the only friends that I've got..." Mikey answered sarcastically.   
When the others agreed, Ash grinned. "Well, my uncle has this really cool caravan and he asked me to take care of it and his dog while he's away with his family and yeah. It's at a lake and it's pretty cool there and I already asked if it was okay to bring friends... and yeah. We could, like...be there for four or five days, if you guys want." "That sounds like a plan!" Cal said happily. "I'm actually gonna be with friends over the holidays!" "Wow, that sounded really sad." Ashton said and they started laughing. "I want to go there, like, right now..." Michael pouted. "Okay, just talk to your parents and stuff and tell me soon enough! I gotta go now!" They went on packing their stuff and when Ashton found a moment without the other guys noticing, he quickly whispered to Luke: “Thanks for today. You can always talk to me, okay?”  
Luke felt like his knees would give up their service any minute, so he just nodded and Ashton must have noticed how his whispering affected him, so he added cheekily. “See ya soon, Lukey.”


	11. Time for a holiday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me so long to update!  
>  I was really busy making christmas presents and everything, but here it is :P

Some time had passed and the trip to the lake was only one night away. The days in school felt longer and chewier than ever before, but Luke somehow made it through that. It was the second day of the holidays and his sleep pattern was already completely messed up and he spent the whole day in his Pyjamas, just because he could.

It took him a lot of well prepared words and good timing to tell his mother about his plans for the holidays. The conversation, a week ago, went exactly how he imagined it.   
His mother had some unbreakable habits and Luke knew all of them, so it wasn't that hard to play by her rules.   
Before she could even say anything, he promised he'd take care of himself and that he wouldn't drink or smoke.   
She also told him not to get anyone pregnant “because that's the last thing we need right now”.   
He remembered how funny that sentence sounded to him.   
His Mum couldn't know that the one he had a crush on would never get pregnant. Not in this life.

Now Luke was sitting in his room, on the floor, playing the guitar. He couldn't really concentrate, so he was killing time by playing the same chords over and over again.   
In his mind he constructed every possible scenario that could take place in the coming week and he felt both exited and anxious.  
He already packed his bag and it was getting serious now. He'd spend a whole week with Ashton and the boys.   
In the evening his Mum checked on him again and he really had to concentrate on not sounding to annoyed.  
“Luke? Are you alright? Do you need help with anything?” she asked, peeking through the door.  
“I'm fine, mum. You really don't have to worry that much. The boys and Ashton are with me...”  
“Yes, but they don't know what you've been through, Luke.” His mother said seriously.  
Luke sighed again. “I actually told Ash the other day.”   
“You did? How did it go?” his Mum seemed to be surprised.  
“He said I can always call him, no matter if its 3am.” Luke qouted him.  
His mother looked at him and smiled a broken, but sincere smile. “I'm so glad you told someone...that Ashton is a wonderful boy, isn't he?”  
His mother came in and patted Lukes shoulder like he was a dog that did good.  
“Yeah, he is...” Luke replied more to himself than to his mum.

 

When he finally lay in bed he was so nervous and excited he just couldn't fall asleep.   
Ashton told him it wouldn't be enough room for four of them in the caravan, so they had to bring a tent and pair up. They would have to take turns.   
It was perfect.  
Calum and Michael both told him they'd make sure to share the tent, so Luke and Ashton would end up in the caravan together.   
But Luke felt weird about it.   
It was too obvious.  
And what if Ashton didn't want to be so close to him?  
He was tossing and turning in his bed and he kept telling himself to relax and that it's of no use to be so nervous, because things never really come as you expect them to.  
After hours he finally fell asleep.

When he woke up none of his fears were left, there was just pure excitement and energy in him.  
He made sure he packed everything and he barely couldn't eat anything for breakfast, because he couldn't sit still. His stomach made grumpy noises.  
At ten the doorbell finally rang and Michael stood in the door frame, grinning.   
“Hey bro.” he said. “Hi Mrs. Hemmings.” He greeted Lukes mom, who joined them at the door.  
“Hello Michael! Luke, are you sure you didn't forget anything? Do you have your medicine? Your phone? Have you packed a toothbrush?”  
“Muuum, yes I have everything. Probably more than I'll ever need.”  
“Okay, and don't forget to send me a message at least once a day!”  
“Yes mum, see you in a week!” He kissed her on the cheek and Michael helped him get his bag out of the door.   
In front of his house stood a medium family car and he figured it belonged to the Irwins.  
He could see Calum waving through the open window and Ashton sitting on the drivers seat.  
He felt that familiar happiness spread through his body when he looked at Ashton and that feeling got even bigger when he reminded himself that he'd spend a whole week with this boy.   
“Hi guys.” he said, while taking the seat right behind Ashton. 

They drove about three hours, but Luke didn't mind at all. Ashton had the windows down the whole time and the wind sent his soft cologne directly to Luke and he tried to take as much of it in as he could without looking weird. The butterflies in his stomach caught his attention more than once and he enjoyed the feeling to just sit there and relax, while the other boys were talking and laughing. They all were in a good mood because a week without school and parents was waiting for them and that was exactly what they all needed.   
They nearly had to scream to understand each other, because loud music was filling the car, but the boys didn't seem to care.  
Luke wasn't even sure if they noticed, how noisy it was. He really loved the playlist Ashton made specifically for the trip.  
Luke liked every song on it and some of them gave him goosebumps. He wondered, if Ash knew that every love song reminded Luke of him. But how would he know? 

There were some rock classics, which they all sang along to, but also newer stuff and even songs Luke had never heard before.  
He got so lost in the music that he didn't notice when someone was trying to talk to him.  
“Earth to Luke, are you still with us?” Michael said for the second time, now louder.   
“Mh?”   
“He's never listening to me.” Michael complained to the others.  
“He was busy listening to my great music.” Ashton replied.  
“Well then you ask him, he'll listen to you, Ash.” Michael gave up.  
“We were just talking about where we gonna sleep tonight.” Ashton explained and he had Lukes full attention.  
“Where do you wanna sleep first? Tent or caravan?” he continued.  
“Uh, I think I'll take the tent first.” Luke suggested shyly. The insecurity from the last night made his way into his head again. It would be so embarrassing if he really ended up in a tent with Ashton. He would be so nervous and probably wouldn't be able to sleep at all.   
Apart from that, he just couldn't imagine sleeping side to side with the boy he was thinking about all day long, for the last weeks.   
What if he got a boner?  
Luke had no idea what he should do when he was alone with him. Well, he had ideas, but none that he actually had the guts to put into action.  
“That's great, cause Cal and I wanted to sleep in the caravan anyway.” Michael said.   
He was being so obvious.   
Luke felt embarrassed.   
He started tapping his feet against each other nervously.   
This whole plan was scaring him and he felt like he'd screw everything up, if he finally had the chance to be alone with Ashton.   
It also felt like they forced Ash to spend time with him. He was really uncomfortable and the thoughts kept making it worse. What if Ashton didn't want to be so close to him?  
And then Luke did something he could have slapped himself for, but his anxiety took control over his mouth and before he could stop himself, it was too late.  
He stuttered: “Actually... would it be okay if we shared the tent, Michael?”  
Calum and Michael looked at him in disbelief. Calum phsically turned around in his seat to throw a judgemental glance at him.  
Luke looked into confused faces, but he mouthed “please” to Mikey, so he played along.   
“Yeah...yeah of course.”  
Luke felt terrible. He dared to look at Ashton, but he couldn't see his reaction. He just looked at his broad back and the wind in his curls.   
He wondered if the other one cared at all.  
The music was still playing, but now it felt way too loud and out of place.  
Calum tried to brighten up the atmosphere.   
“Well, seems like we gotta share the caravan then, right Ash?” but Ashton didn't say a word. He just silently kept driving down the streets.  
Luke regretted his words like hell, but he felt a weight fall off his shoulder as well. He was so trapped in his own comfort zone and he knew it, but it wasn't that easy to snap out of it.

At one point on their ride the scenery changed, as more and more trees came into sight and Ashton was a lot quieter than before, but Luke wasn't sure if that had anything to do with him.   
He just watched as the streets got emptier and they drove through a big forest. Suddenly the lake came into his view and he knew they reached their destination.   
A wonderful scene revealed itself.   
It was so different from what he imagined, it was even better.  
The lake was a small one, you could clearly see the other side of it. It was surrounded by huge forests and even some cliffs on the sides.   
There was no sand like Luke knew it from the seaside in Sydney, but a small pebble beach.   
Everything was a lot greener than he expected.   
The parking lot was full with cars, so he expected a lot of people, but they were spread all around the lake, so everyone had enough privacy. It was a lovely view, one you would see in a road movie, but Luke couldn't stop feeling guilty about his words, as much he tried to forget them.   
When they arrived, they decided to put up the tent close to the water, a good walk away from the caravan, so they could make a camp fire besides their tent.   
The caravan was a lot smaller than Luke imagined it, but it was really lovely. He could imagine to live in one like that. It was really comfortable, with a small kitchen inside and it even had a little platform, that was higher than the rest of the room, with the bed on it.  
They got to meet Ashtons uncle, but not for long, because he and his daughter were already late for their train. They seemed lovely though, Luke loved to see Ash with the kid, it put a smile on his face, while all he managed to do, was rejecting him.   
They were left with a young golden retriever named Cora and that was the thing that really brightened the mood in the group.  
They all played with the puppy and procrastinated putting up the tent.   
She was just too cute.   
Ashton seemed to feel at home here and that made Luke happy. He loved to have the opportunity to learn more about Ashtons life.  
Late in the afternoon they finally began to put up the tent, which turned out not to be as easy as they thought and none of them ever did it, so they really struggled.   
Luke was just trying to read the instructions which were translated very badly, when he heard some voices from a distance.  
“That's Ash, isn't it?”   
“It has to be him...”  
Luke saw two girls coming in their direction. They seemed to belong to a big group of young people, who were sat around near the boys, drinking beer.   
Luke would have loved to disappear once again, but that definitely wasn't an option right now and the girls didn't even look at him once. They had their heads put together and their eyes fixed on Ashton, while their discussion heated up.

Luke watched as the girls finally approached his crush.   
“Sorry, are you...are you Ashton Irwin?” they asked carefully.   
Ashton looked up and when he was over his surprise he began to laugh.   
“Why do you even have to ask that, Sophie? Didn't you recognize me any more?” he laughed and Luke watched how he hugged the two girls at once. “I'm kinda hurt that you'd forget me that easily.” He joked.  
“It's been forever, Ash! And you got really... grown up!” The other girl said, while blushing a little bit.   
“You too, Naomi, maybe it's been longer than I thought.” he grinned and examined her fell formed body.   
Luke had to look away.   
Only to see Calum and Michael watch them as well. They seemed to discuss, whether they should approach the girls or not.   
Then they just went over.

“Hi, we're friends of Ashton.” Cal said and Luke rolled his eyes. Now he was left alone with the tent and he really didn't want to spend time with these really pretty, lovely girls.  
So he ignored the other and pretended he knew what he was doing with the tent. But he didn't concentrate at all and Cora, the dog, sat down with him, as if she knew he was lonely.  
“Can u believe it.” he said to her and bent over to her, to stroke her golden fur “maybe that's my fault for being such an idiot...”  
Cora just barked and her tongue was hanging out of her mouth due to the heat.  
Luke couldn't help but smile at her.   
He gave up on the tent and started playing with the puppy again, but soon Naomi and Sophie came over to him and said: “Can we help you with the tent? We're pros at putting up tents.” They smiled nicely and Luke just nodded.   
Why did they have to be nice? It would have been a lot easier for Luke if they were really arrogant or mean, but they were super friendly.   
He hated it.  
They also didn't boast about their tent building skills, they managed to put the whole thing up in less than ten minutes.   
“That's one of the good things about living near a lake.” Naomi smiled.  
“What's your name by the way?” added Sophie.  
“I'm Luke.” 

Half an hour later Luke found himself sitting around a campfire with about thirty people he had never seen before and he felt like he was the only one who wasn't talking to anyone. Ashton was sitting far away, on the other side of the circle and he was deep into a passionate conversation with the girls from earlier and some boys had joined them since.  
Luke found out that Ash knew lots of these people from his childhood and he seemed to be the object of everybody's interest.  
Meanwhile Luke was staring into the sizzling flames and zoned out. He tried to enjoy the hot air coming from the fire, but he ended up finding it really annoying. His eyes were dry from the heat and they started hurting.  
The first day of their holiday was not at all going like he had hoped. He felt like an outsider and the jealousy in his chest was burning brighter than the bonfire he was staring at.   
Calum and Michael seemed to enjoy themselves and he just couldn't get himself into this whole scenario.  
He thought his mood couldn't possibly sink down any more, when suddenly Ashton and one of the girls - was it Sophie? -were leaving the group, laughing, both a bottle of beer in their hands.  
Luke felt like someone was choking him with both hands, like his lungs weren't getting enough air, as he watched the boy he liked so much, disappear with another girl.   
He stood up and stumbled away from the fire and found his way back to the tent.   
He unpacked his rucksack and did what he always did, when he was feeling bad.   
He listened to music, hoping it would keep his thoughts away from him. But it did the opposite. The thoughts just came streaming in, like they were trying to attack him. Like they knew, how weak he already was. Soon he gave up on the music and put his phone away again.  
He wanted to go home already, but he knew that wasn't an option. How could someone fuck up so badly?  
Why couldn't he just have fun for once? Why couldn't he talk to someone, like the others did? He just wanted to enjoy himself a little bit, was that too much to ask?  
And Ashton...  
Why did he do this to him? Even if Ashton didn't take this thing they had as seriously as Luke, how could he just act like nothing ever happened?   
Luke didn't imagine those things between them? The tension. He couldn't make that up, right?  
Or could he?

He was so in thoughts, he nearly didn't hear the tent being opened from the outside.   
“Luke? Are you all right?” it was Mikey.   
“I don't know.” he said and he felt a huge lump in his throat.   
“Can I come in?” his friend asked softly.  
“Sure...”  
“Do you want to tell me why you wanted to share the tent with me and not Ash?” he asked.  
“I don't know. I panicked. I was afraid I'd annoy him and I was nervous.” he told him and he felt so pathetic.   
“Lukey, no, you're not annoying anyone. How could anyone be annoyed by you, you barely open your mouth.” he smiled.  
“Yeah thanks for reminding me. And now he left with that girl and it's all my fault, because I should've never gotten my hopes up.” he whined.  
“What? You mean Sophie? They left for like two minutes, because they fetch some old pictures from her caravan.”  
Wait. What did he just say? Two minutes?

“Really?” Luke looked at his friends with big eyes. “Thank god. I thought they were hooking up or something.”  
Luke found it astonishing that he hadn't even considered that they could come back. That they could have had anything other in mind than rough sex in a tent or something like that.  
He was a bit embarrassed.

Michael couldn't help but laugh. “Man, you have to hide your jealousy a little bit. And Ashton as well. You guys are so obvious, it hurts to watch this drama.”  
“What do you mean by 'Ashton as well'?” Luke wanted to know.  
“Oh come on, Luke, don't tell me you didn't see how disappointed Ash was, when you asked to share the tent with me. He's basically been sending death stares at me the whole day. I'd be really pissed at him if it wasn't so obvious that he's just jealous.”  
“Are you for real? You're not making this up to make me feel better?” Lukes heart was racing.   
“Nope. Calum noticed it, too. I don't know what Ash thinks though... does he think I'd have sex with you if I could instead hook up with these really fit girls? Sorry mate, but that's not happening.” he laughed.  
“Shut up, Michael, I'd literally rather die alone!”  
“And you will, if you keep running away from people who like you.” Micheael added.   
“I know...”  
“Good, then let's go back.” 

And they did.  
Luke spent the rest of the evening, trying to talk a little bit more and whenever his and Ashtons gazes met he smiled shyly. It wasn't much but Luke was satisfied with himself when he finally lay down besides Michael at about 3am and fell asleep.   
The last thing he thought, before drifting off into unconsciousness was:  
“Tomorrow I'll do better!”


	12. A Fresh Start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that I'm updating so slowly!  
> I really hope you guys still like it and it would mean the world to me if you could give me quick feedback if you did!  
> Anyway, I love you and there's a lot to come! Fluff is on the way. Fluff and maybe more. ;)

Luke was woken by several loud barks, seemingly right beside his ear and he sat up in shock. It took him a moment to realize where he was and he soon came to the conclusion that the dog had to be outside his tent. He lay back down and slowly remembered the events of the last day.  
Then he heard a voice say “Good girl, here, have a treat.”  
He saw the shadows of Cora and Ashton on the tent walls and had to smile. They were kidding around in front of the tent and their goal was obviously to wake him and Mikey up.  
Michael was already crawling out of his sleeping bag and Luke heard him say loudly: “I swear to god Ashton, don't ever wake me like this again!” but he only got loud laughter as an answer.  
“That stupid idiot.” Michael murmured to himself, while Luke couldn't help but giggle a little bit.

Then Ashton showed them the whole place, where they could find toilets and showers and they all put on their swim trunks. Luke had already seen some people in the water and he really wanted to join them, but first they built up a small desk with folding chairs before the caravan and Ashton served some definitely not self made waffles.  
But they were delicious and Luke felt great again.  
He decided to forget about the day before and declared to himself that this day should be the actual first one.  
Ashton seemed to have worked on a similar mindset, because he was the usual ball of sunshine and Michael and Calum were in cheerful spirits as well.  
It was a wonderful start into the day.  
Luke enjoyed the shadow, that the many trees threw.  
This way the heat was tolerable.

“Okay I really want to go in the water now!” Calum broke the silence after a while. He looked like an excited puppy who was about to get a treat.  
Ashton giggled silently.  
“Sure, but we'll need to go and get some firewood if we want to make our own camp fire today.”  
He said, enjoying to bring the bad news up.  
Sometimes Ashton acted like he was their Mum or Dad, who told them what to do and what to leave, but maybe that wasn't so bad, because Luke knew how unorganized and messy the band was before Ash joined them.  
And if he was honest to himself, he liked most things Ashton did. Luke would have gladly followed this boys commands, if it meant, he could made him happy.  
“I can do that later... but let's get in the water first, it's so hot.” Luke suggested shyly.  
“He's right, I'm sweating my ass off.” Michael added and Calum started to grin mischievously.  
“Is it hot out here or is that you, Lukey?” he grinned and Luke just rolled his eyes, like he always did, when the boys joked around. But he couldn't help looking at Ashton, to see if he was laughing as well.  
That one was busy, clearing the table, but he smiled a little, his thoughts probably somewhere else.  
After him and Luke finished to collect the dirty dished off the table and Calum and Michael stopped acting like they were helping, Ashton concluded “Okay, so we're searching for firewood afterwards. Let's cool down in the water!”  
“Yay!” Calum exclaimed.  
As if he needed permission.  
Luke shook his head in disbelief. Their drummer definitely had too much power.  
Not only over him, but over all of them. Thank god he was the loveliest person on earth, otherwise he could've easily abused this power.

When they got to the tent, they naturally all started to take their shirts off and Luke suddenly got a bit uneasy. He watched them a moment and tried to glimpse at Ashton taking his shirt off and he could barely avert his eyes from the view that presented itself to him.  
He had never seen him shirtless and he was not prepared for what he saw.  
He knew Ashton was muscular.  
He had to be.  
Drumming was hard work and you had to be physically fit to sit through it, but his abs were out of this world.  
And his skin had the same caramel colour as his face.  
Luke wondered how he got a tan there. Maybe he was one of those guys, who actually spent a lot of time at the beach.  
He had the body for it.  
Luke forced himself to look away.  
The insecurity let him linger a little longer.  
It wasn't that he didn't like his body. He was okay with how he looked and he had come to peace with his reflection in the mirror.  
Luke actually liked that he was taller than the other guys. Even though he sometimes made himself smaller, because he didn't want to take up too much space. But people said it was an attractive trait, so he tried to be proud of it.  
Although his best feature had always been his blue eyes.  
He liked his eyes.  
But this wasn't about his eyes, he had to show his body.  
The body that hadn't been kissed by the sun in a long time and the body that hadn't much fat on it, but no muscles either. Suddenly he became anxious about the pimples on his back as well. He didn't like those, but he never cared, because he never had to take off his shirt in front of somebody.  
Just as he was sinking deeper into his doubtful thoughts, Calum appeared in front of him and said: “Do you wanna keep this on?” he smiled.  
 _He doesn't understand_ , Luke thought. How could he understand?  
Luke just looked at his friend, seeking for help, but not able to say a word.  
“It's okay... we'll have fun, all right?” he clapped him on the shoulder and looked him in the eyes. “Don't think too much.” he added.  
And Luke breathed in deeply and thought _fuck it, he's right._  
He made sure that Ashton wasn't looking and quickly got rid of his shirt.  
“Let's go!” He called out and earned a proud smile from Calum, who maybe, just maybe, understood him better than he guessed.

“The last one to get in the water has to search for wood!” Michael shouted out of nowhere and he was already standing a step away from the water.  
Luke thought how unfair that was, but after a short realization he saw Calum sprint off besides him and only a blink after him Ashton got into motion and Luke started to stumble after them in panic, while concentrating on not looking at the well formed body of Ashton, that was passing him without effort.  
“FIRST!” Michael shouted, followed by a loud splash. Moments after him Calum arrived and started to spatter Mike with water and Luke could hear him cuss.  
“ You absolute dick, you don't think that counts, do you?”  
“Well I was already in the water, waiting for your lame ass, so...”  
“YEAH BECAUSE YOU INVENTED THE GAME WHILE YOU WERE BASICALLY IN THE WATER!”  
“Woah, chill Calum. Nobody likes a sore loser-” Michael couldn't complete his sentence, because he was violently pushed under water.  
Meanwhile Ashton had arrived in the lake and just before he let himself glide into the water, he turned around and looked at Luke, who was still stumbling a little faster than walking speed, looking confused.  
He didn't expect Ash to look at him.  
Especially not the way he did.  
He looked provocative and challenging and he knew exactly what he was doing, when he let himself fall in the water, just to come back up with soaked hair and a dripping, shiny, body.  
Luke had nearly arrived at his goal, but that was too much.  
His brain seemed to melt away by the view his eyes were witnessing and it couldn't warn his feet fast enough to act.  
And before he knew what was happening, the ground escaped under his feet and a short, extreme shock went through his body, followed by a sobering realization.

He stepped into a hole in the ground and was now standing about two feet deeper than before.  
But not for long, because the momentum he had from before, made him fall over, leaving him with his feet in the gap and his face on the grass.  
Thank god there was grass over these stupid pebbles.  
The loud laughter, he expected, appeared instantly.  
He heard loud, cackling noises coming from the water.  
Luke wished the hole was big enough to swallow him whole, so he could maybe start a new life down there, without people to embarrass himself in front of.  
His head was heating up and only when it had turned completely red, he noticed a stinging pain in his foot.  
“Are you okay?” Ashton shouted from afar and Luke started to sit up.  
“Ow...” he brought out. “I think I stepped into something.”  
The other boys laughter got quieter.  
“Stay where you are!” Ashton said, while getting out of the water and Luke nearly forgot about the pain, while he watched him come closer. Completely wet and with a worried expression in his face.

“Let me look at it... Can you move?” Ashton asked carefully.  
“Yeah, it's all right. It just stings a little.”  
But Ashton didn't let go of his foot. He helped Luke sit down and then he carefully laid his foot in his lap.  
“Yeah... you stepped into a shard of glass.”  
“Let me see.” Luke said and bent over to look at his injury.  
It looked disgusting, but it wasn't that bad. He stepped on the flat side of the shard, so it only pierced into his foot sideways a bit.  
But it was bleeding.  
And when he took a look at the hole, he saw the rest of the bottle in it, along with other thrash, leftovers from a party, it seemed.  
“Those bastards.” Ashton hissed. “Who leaves fucking glass bottles in a hole.” He made a disgusted face.  
“They probably tried to make an all natural trash can.” Luke tried to lighten up the mood.  
“Yeah, well they fucking failed. I swear to god there are some dickheads in the world.” he proceeded to curse.  
Luke couldn't help but find it really fascinating to see him angry like this. Usually Ashton was the calmest of all of them and he never really lost his head.  
Luke assumed that he wasn't a very angry person, but he felt a massive power in Ashtons voice at the moment.

“It's okay...” he started to calm him down again.  
“No, it's not! Like... which proper human being just leaves broken glass lying around at the beach? You're lucky that it didn't end worse. What if a dog stepped in it? Cora could have fallen in. Or a fucking kid?!” Ashton stated upset, more talking to the whole universe, than just to Luke.  
Luke couldn't help but smile. He shook his head and looked at Ashton fondly.  
This boy was a miracle.

“What? Why are you laughing at me?” Ashton looked at him confused. Even a bit scared now. As if he feared he did something wrong.  
“I'm not laughing at you. It's just amazing. Even when you're angry, you're full of love for other people.”  
They looked at each other for a moment, but Luke looked down at his feet quickly, because he felt himself blush again.  
Did he go too far?  
He started to pick up the pieces of glass, that were still in the hole and Ashton helped him silently.  
 _I shouldn't have said that_ , Luke thought. But when he looked up to make sure he didn't ruin everything, he was astounded.  
Ashton's skin had turned a bright pink colour and he obviously tried to look busy.  
Luke couldn't believe it.  
Was he blushing? Ashton Irwin?  
Did he seriously just make him blush?  
He felt like laughing out loud, but instead he decided not to say or do anything, but pick up the last piece of glass.  
Ashton mumbled something about getting a plastic bag from the tent and went away.  
Luke sat there, with his foot still bleeding and he looked confused in the direction of the lake, to see what his friends had been doing the whole time.  
They were still in the water and when they saw him look at them, they started to make huge, hectic gestures, and gave him thumbs up and Luke had a hard time understanding what they were trying to tell him.  
It became a lot clearer, when Michael started humping the air and Calum formed a huge heart with his arms. He couldn't believe these guys.  
Ashton was way too close to be so plain.  
Panic in his eyes, he mouthed a very clear “STOP IT!” back to them and whispered to himself “these fucking idiots.”

Soon Ashton came back with a plastic bag and some plasters. He also brought some water.  
“Clean it with the water and then put one of these on it. Maybe press it against the wound a while, it should stop bleeding. And don't touch the glass, I'm doing the rest of this!”  
He was back to his old self and Luke could just watch him take care of everything, amazed by how quick he put the glass in the back, without even scratching himself with it.  
He did as Ashton told him and the bleeding stopped. After he put the patch on, he stood up and he reassured Ashton that it wasn't that bad and that he could go swimming after all. 

So he joined the boys in the water, while the other brought the glass to the actual trash, where it belonged and they had a good time in the water finally.  
Luke had forgotten about how awkward the whole scenario was. All he could think of was Ashton blushing because of him. It was the cutest thing in the world and he couldn't believe he had the fortune to see it happen.  
Everything evolved around Ashton Irwin that day.  
Like most days, Luke couldn't stop looking at him, he didn't want to miss a single smile of his.  
He wanted to catch every giggle and every critical look at the boys. He wanted to take it all in.  
He still didn't dare to hope for more.  
And this was more than he ever thought he could feel.  
Pure Happiness whenever he was with him. Jealousy whenever Ashton was with someone else.  
The desire to be seen by him as much as possible, but even more the desire to see him.  
To just look at him.  
Study his actions.  
To wonder why he was the was he was.  
How could one person be so interesting?  
How was it possible that everything else seemed boring when he was there?

They didn't really swim much, they made up silly games to play in the water, just as who could stay under water the longest or diving for things they let sink on the ground.  
It wasn't a very deep lake, but also not very clear, so they couldn't see the bottom. Luke shivered every time something touched his feet, even though it was probably just a fish. Growing up in Australia makes you suspicious of everything that's swarming about under water, especially when you can't see what it is. 

But the boys were distracting themselves just well.  
Next they took each others on the shoulders and the two on top tried to push each other back in the water. It was a stupid game, but Luke had known it since he was younger and the others probably as well.  
When it came to making teams, Luke shied away and asked Calum to be in his team, before anyone could even say something. He did just get over the hurdle of undressing infront of everyone, he wouldn't be able to be pressed against Ashtons wet body yet, no matter who got on top.  
The thought alone messed with his mind enough.  
But they took turns and at some point Luke and Ashton were both on top and had to try and push each other down.  
Luke was excited, long before they began.  
Then they started fighting and just before Ashton raised his hand for his first push he grinned the same provocative grin, he did while getting in the water earlier and said: “I'm gonna finish you, Hemmings!”  
Luke felt his heart beat faster, like so often and his stomach was acting up once again.  
He had to control himself to sit up properly and not melt onto Calums shoulders.  
He just had enough time to wonder if it was weird to get turned on by his words, when the fight started.  
Then the thing happened that Luke wanted to avoid the whole time: It got physical.  
Ashton could've easily pushed Luke down in one, maybe two tries and Calum even with him, but he did take it easy on them.  
He mostly waited for Luke to do something and when Luke tried his best to push him over, he just grabbed his arms and held them tight, so that he couldn't get out of his grip.  
Then he gave him little, half-assed pushes and all Luke could do, was grab the other boys arms as well. Their arms were pressed against each other and Luke could feel the strong veins under his own.  
His eyes wandered onto Ashtons body and he could see his abs tense up whenever he tried to stay on top of Michael. He had his wet hair pushed back and drops of water were falling down from it and on his stomach. That was when Luke knew he was in trouble. Because he felt a familiar tension grow in his shorts.  
Oh no. Oh god.  
NOT NOW.  
But it was too late. There was no going back now, he was just getting harder.  
He tried to control the shock, that came up inside him, when he suddenly heard Calum spit out underneath him:  
“Ugh, what the fuck dude-” he wasn't able to go on, because Luke did the first thing that came into his mind.  
He put his hands on Calums mouth from behind and forced him into silence.  
“What's wrong?” Michael asked and nobody answered him.  
Then Calum did something right for a change and let himself and Luke fall down, back into the water.  
“He's so heavy, you have no idea...” He breathed out, as soon as he had his head over the water.  
“We really need to stop, my back's already hurting.” he added and Luke was relieved that he seemed to play along.  
“We can change the teams, you could take Michael and I'm taking Luke.” Ashton suggested.  
“NO! No, I think I've had enough as well...” Luke sputtered and he looked at Calum for help.  
“Maybe we should start searching for wood now, I'm hungry and it's pretty late...”  
“You're right.” Ashton decided and he let himself fall backwards off of Michaels shoulders, while that one struggled to stay standing.  
He also whispered a short “What the fuck” at the two others and Cal just shook his had and said “later.”

When they all got out of the water, Luke somehow found a way not to show his throbbing boner and he made it to their tent safely.  
He changed into his jeans quickly and a moment later Michael and Calum came in.  
“Okay guys what happened?” Mike wanted to know as soon as they'd closed the tent.  
“Shhh... not so loud.” Luke hissed, but his friend only rolled his eyes.  
“Ashton's searching for wood, he's not listening.”  
Then out of nowhere, Calum burst out with laughter.  
“Oh my god Mikey you have no idea. Lukey had the worst boner!” he nearly shouted out the words.  
“Shhhh, shut up, Cal, do you want the whole camping site to know?” Luke was bright red by now. His shame was out of this world, but he had learned to ignore it, when he was with his friends, because they basically embarrassed him non stop.  
Michael joined the hysteric laughter and all Luke could do was bury his face deep in his hands.  
“I had his junk pressed against my neck!”  
“OKAY that's enough now. We get it, I'm horrible, you guys never get boners and I'm overall a pathetic excuse for a person. But what the fuck should I do now? Did Ashton notice anything?” Luke looked into his friends faces as if they held the answers.  
“I don't think he bought the whole “Luke's too fat” story. But either way, at this moment, he's alone in the forest. You have to go after him. You even have a good alibi, because you lost at the race and it's actually your job to search for wood.”


	13. A Fresh Start 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay peeps... I am SO (!) sorry for being absent for an eternity, but I had a massive writing block and also wanted to concentrate on my main hobby: drawing...  
> But I haven't given up on the story and this chapter is even a bit longer!  
> I'll try to update soon!  
> Now enjoy all the fluff that's about to happen :P

”But either way, at this moment, Ashton is alone in the forest. You have to go after him. You even have a good alibi, because you lost at the race and it's actually your job to search for wood.”  
…

So that's what Luke did.  
After he had calmed his thoughts and breathed in and out a few times, he went across the camping side and into the forest.  
He had no idea where Ashton would be, so he started searching for him near the caravan. On his way he picked up some good branches of wood, so he wouldn't show up without his alibi.  
But he didn't have to search long, because after a few minutes he saw Ashton sitting on a big, fallen tree, maybe 10 feet away.  
He just sat there and did nothing.  
The wood he had collected, lay on the ground and Luke stopped wandering around right that moment.  
He stood there and watched Ashton.  
What was he doing?  
Why would he just sit there?  
He seemed to be deep in thoughts, now and then he looked up at the big trees around him.  
Luke could've watched him forever, but he was afraid of getting caught, so he decided to show himself.  
“Ash?” he said and his voice was shaking a bit.  
Ashton startled up and looked around.  
“Sorry, I didn't want to surprise you.” Luke added as he started going in the other boys direction.  
“It's okay.”  
“What are you doing here?” Luke asked his friend, who just smiled.  
“Searching for fire wood....” 

Luke sat down on the huge trunk of a tree besides him.  
It was so silent.  
They could only hear the wind and far away the voices of the people at the camping site.  
“I've been here so often, you know...” Ashton started talking. “I've been here all the time, when I was little. We used to go here every summer, visiting my uncle, swimming in the lake. " he paused.  
"And us kids would have our little adventures in this forest. We used to have really cool walkie talkies and then we'd pretend we found a corpse or something to investigate.” Ashton giggled a little bit at the memories and Luke had to smile as well.  
It reminded him of his own childhood.  
“Usually we had to stay close to the caravan, but one time, when I was really little... two, maybe three years old, the older kids secretly took me with them and I got lost at some point and it was really scary. It was already dark and my parents were searching for me...my dad was the one who found me in the end and that's one of the only memories I really have of him. Like... not just from pictures or stories, but from my own memory.  
He found me and he grabbed my hand and then he started to drag me along behind him and because I was so small I couldn't walk as fast and I tripped over my own feet and fell. I hurt my knee and started crying, but my father didn't even look back once.  
He just kept on walking and I was so scared. I didn't want him to go and leave me in this dark forest again.  
So like children do, at some point, when I nearly couldn't see him any more, I got up and tried to get to him....And you know... my whole life, to this day, I couldn't stop wondering what happened if I didn't get up to follow him that day... would he have stopped?  
I want to know if he had waited for me or if he even had come back to me to carry me.  
That's the only real memory I have left of him and I just wish it was a happpier one, but whenever I think about it, I can't help but hate him. Hate him, because he was so cold and because he didn't seem to be glad to have found his child and because he hurt me... and then I hate myself for running away in the first place and for being so stupid and so little and for being a pain in this man's ass.”  
It got silent again. Luke had a lump in his throat. He didn't know what to feel or what to say.  
He hadn't expected to hear a story like this. And he had at least a thousand questions.  
He decided to ask the riskiest one.  
“What happened to your dad?” he asked quietly.  
Ashton sighed and straightened himself.  
With a controlled and casual tone in his voice he said: “He died shortly after that. He got rolled over by a truck. Quick and final.”  
Luke looked at him with his eyes wide opened, but he quickly got his expression under control.  
“Why have you never told me?” Luke asked after the first shock was conquered.  
He had assumed something like that.  
He knew that Ashton's father had to be either gone or dead. Nobody ever talked about him, at least not in Luke's presence.  
“I didn't tell anyone really... it's like you and your psychiatry story, there's barely a good moment to talk about something like that without ruining everyone's mood.”  
He smiled a little bit.  
“I barely even knew him, so I can't say I miss him... and it's okay the way it is, but now that I'm in this forest again I just got a bit lost in my thoughts, you know?”  
“Yeah, I get that.”  
“Like...I'm not even sad. I'm just so curious and kinda angry. I wish I knew him at least. I want to know what kinda person my father really was. I only have this one, shitty memory and I don't want this to be him. I don't want him to be someone who just leaves his kid behind, hurting, without a word, but he did it again. Everything I know about him is, that he always left me.”  
“Isn't it unfair?” Luke thought out loud.  
“What?” Ashton asked confused.  
“That the worst shit happens to the best people.” Luke said, without really thinking about it. But he noticed that Ashton looked at him with a confused and unsure look.  
“That's life, Lukey. ” he said, smiling softly. “But you know what, it feels extremely good to have shared this with you. I'm sorry for ranting though.”  
“No...don't be sorry. If you need to talk about something, you don't have to worry about me. You can ruin the mood as much as you want!” Luke said completely honest.  
“Thank you... same for you, but I hope you know that already!” Ash smiled like he had a tiny bit of the suns warmth in his heart.  
“I know!” Luke said and suddenly he started to get nervous. Only now he noticed his heart beating excitedly. It felt so good to have earned that boys trust and all he could think of was that no matter what happened, he wouldn't destroy this friendship.  
It was so precious to him.  
Ashton was so precious and he couldn't break that bond that they had.  
No way!  
Not even if that meant, the other one would never know about his feelings.  
Because that's what being in love was really about, right? Caring so so much and wanting that person to be happy.  
Luke was about to stand up and go back, but the other boy didn't seem to have the same plans. He was still sitting there,leaning back and supporting himself on his arms.  
Staring into the sky.  
Luke looked at him and just the bare sight of him sitting there, made him smile.  
He could've looked at him forever and that's all he needed. To just look at him forever, maybe be in his life, even if that meant he was just a extra in Ashton's life. He would learn to accept that, because that way he could at least look at him. Breathe the same air and talk to him about the mysteries of the world and hopefully find out more about this incredible boy.  
And even though he was just an extra, Ashton was one of the leading roles in his life at the moment and he earned that part in such a short time. Luke didn't let people in easily. But he trusted Ashton and he wasn't completely sure why.  
He just did.

“Should we go back?” Luke asked, after he found back to reality.  
Ashton didn't move.  
Or answer.  
He just sighed really long.  
When Luke just began to think he wouldn't get an answer, Ash said: “Do you remember... when I kissed you at my birthday party?”  
Luke winced and felt his heart beat faster.  
He felt like numbed.  
Why did he suddenly talk about that? He wasn't prepared for a question like that.  
But his friend didn't seem to expect an answer anyway, because after a short pause he kept talking.  
“How drunk were you that night, Lukey boy?” he giggled. But before Luke could get red or embarrassed or anything at all, Ashton got serious again. “Would you have cared if I hadn't stopped...”  
Now Luke's heart was racing. He felt it beat through his whole body. A sudden heat was streaming through all his veins and he feared his knees would give way any moment.  
Luke sat down on the stump again and tried his best to act casually.  
What the hell do you answer to something like that? Do you answer at all?  
What if Ashton was making fun of him? Thousands of thoughts attacked Luke and he couldn't find anything to say.  
He just sat there, looking like he'd seen a ghost and turned completely red. 

“Forget it...It's the forest, you know? This stupid forest is just so confusing...” Ashton smiled. Luke dared to look at him and when he saw him smiling with his eyes closed he couldn't help but think he looked a little bit sad.  
He wanted to say something. Tell him, that the kiss changed everything and that he couldn't stop thinking about it. And that he felt like being with Ashton was the biggest adventure he's ever been on. And if he had a lot of courage, he'd tell him that the one kiss already felt like an eternity but could never be long enough. But Luke just couldn't open his mouth. He was sitting there, clawing his fingers into the wood beneath him and clenching his teeth.  
Just say something.  
Do it.  
Now.  
But he was so scared.  
Scared to be rejected. To be made fun of. He couldn't risk that, even though he knew there were signs... signs that Ashton maybe liked him, too.  
But he didn't trust himself enough to risk it.  
He couldn't.  
“Let's go back...” Ashton said and stood up.  
Luke sighed and followed him and they walked silently, while picking up several branches on the way.  
He didn't mind the silence, because his thoughts were wide awake and plaguing him with their cruelty. There was one, that was stronger than the others and soon Luke could only hear that one. This one sentence, that was on repeat in his head.  
“Why am I like this?”

When they finally sat with the others at their own little camp fire, Luke felt a bit better.  
Ashton was his usual self and him and the other boys laughed and joked together. Luke tried his best to fit in and switch off his annoying thoughts, but he couldn't get rid of them completely.  
It appeared to him that you just could not be private at this camping side, because soon the people from the day before joined them again. But to be fair, this time it was Calum and Michael who invited them to come over.  
“Four people just isn't enough” they said, even though Luke thought differently.  
So now he sat between Naomi and a girl he didn't remember seeing yesterday. He was nervous, like he always was with that many people around, but soon he was able to relax.  
He was lucky that the girls were actually really nice and he felt a bit bad for judging them the other day. It's not their fault that Ashton knew them.  
So he decided to give them a chance and it turned out that him and the new girl actually had a lot in common. Ashton was sitting with some older boys, who he probably knew already, because let's be real, who didn't know Ashton Irwin. Calum and Luke were sitting together and were part of a heated discussion about Canned bread. Luke had to grin at that sight.  
These idiots.  
He was so glad they were his friends.  
“Shall I get you another beer?” Naomi asked, while getting up.  
“Uhm... yes please?!” Luke smiled.  
He already had drunk one whole bottle and he didn't feel very different, so it couldn't be wrong to relax a little more.  
The best thing about these other people was that they brought their own grill and some sausages with them. Everyone was eating and having fun and for a moment Luke felt like being a teenager, doing teenager things wasn't as bad as he thought. 

“So... you haven't been here yesterday, right?” Luke tried to start a new conversation with the girl next to him.  
“No, but Naomi told me that Ash and his friends were visiting, so I had to come today!” she grinned.  
“Oh, so you know Ashton as well?” Luke asked, even though he wasn't really surprised.  
“Yep, we went to school together, for like... a year. I had a major crush on him when we were younger!” She laughed.  
Luke had no idea what to reply to that, so he just grinned awkwardly and took a sip of his beer.  
“But you're over it now?” he said, when she didn't continue talking.  
“Yes, I have a boyfriend now. He's sitting over there!” She pointed at a handsome lad with brown hair and glasses, who was sitting with Ash and the older guys.  
He waved at them when he caught her pointing at him. Luke waved back and glimpsed at Ash, who wasn't looking at him.  
“Do you have a girlfriend?” The girl asked.  
“No, not really.” Luke sighed. He didn't like the direction this conversation was taking.  
“What do you mean not really? Doesn't she like you back?”  
“Actually I... I don't know.” Luke said and took another huge gulp from his bottle.  
“I see... have you told her that you like her?” she asked carefully.  
“No, not really... he- she kissed me though.” _Shit. Did she hear that?_ Luke searched for a reaction in the girls face, but if she heard his little slip of the tongue, she didn't show.  
“What kinda kiss was it?” She asked.  
“It was at her birthday party and we were both drunk...she kissed me on the lips, just once, nothing more...” Luke told her.  
The girl seemed to think about that.  
“Well...you don't just kiss anyone... making out with strangers is different, but a kiss on the lips...You should definitely tell her about your feelings... what do you have to loose?”  
“I'm afraid of making things awkward... you know, we have to spend time together in the future and I'm scared it will be different...”  
“Isn't it already different? And apart from that: She's the one who kissed you, you're just playing along... If she's a good friend, you won't loose her over that, even if -and I don't think that- she rejects you.”  
Luke looked over to Ashton again. He was still talking to these guys on the other side of the fire. Luke wished he knew what Ashton was thinking at the moment. He didn't look like he participated. Not as much as usual. Luke thought about what he said in the forest earlier.  
Then Ashton's head suddenly turned around and pointed exactly at Luke. Their eyes met and Luke looked away immediately. But Ashton felt so far away. His eyes weren't as warm as usually, but Luke's heart was beating as hard as always.  
He looked down at his lap for a few moments until he had calmed down. Then he looked up into a knowing face of the girl next to him. She smiled softly.  
“How did you and Ashton meet?” She asked out of nowhere.  
“Uhm... I... we are in the same band.” Luke stuttered.  
“Is he still such a drums fanatic?” she laughed. “I loved to watch him play in primary school. I remember wanting to learn an instrument, just so I could join the school band, he was in.”  
Luke giggled along with her.  
“He was always practising tricks with his sticks, even though he was just a little kid and had just gotten his drum kit.  
A friend of mine asked him why he tried tricks when he couldn't even play well and he said he wanted to become the coolest drummer on earth.”  
They both laughed. Luke's heart warmed up with a familiar feeling again.  
“Well, he is now! You should see him play the drums now! And he perfected all those tricks and stuff, he just looks extremely cool doing it and when I saw him drum the first time I was in an actual trance... he's amazing!” Luke's cheeks turned red and he looked into a surprised face. Then the girl next to him smiled. “I bet he is! By the way...does he have a girlfriend at the moment?” She asked curiously.  
“Not really.” Luke said.  
“I see.” she smiled. “Not that I'm interested, my boyfriend is the best!”  
they laughed again and then a short peaceful silence appeared. Luke's glaze wandered to the other side of the camp fire again. Ashton was already staring at him. Without any expression in his face.  
Luke startled. He didn't expect to look in such cold eyes. What was wrong?  
Ashton looked away, said a few words to his friends and then he stood up and walked away. Just like that.  
Luke watched him go in the direction of the caravan and didn't stop looking until he disappeared behind trees that blocked his view.  
“Why did he leave?” Luke said out loud.  
“ I don't know.” the girl said. “Can I ask you something?”  
“Sure...” He still looked into the direction Ashton left.  
“What's her name? You know, the girl you like?”  
Luke swallowed...  
“Uh..she's... uhm...” his brain was blank.  
“I thought so...” She whispered and took the beer bottle out of Luke's hand.  
“You should go after him.” she smiled encouraging.  
“Okay...” 

Luke stood up and noticed that the alcohol had already found its way into his blood, because it took him a little bit of effort not to stagger.  
The second time on this day he was chasing Ashton and again he had no idea what to say or to do. But something about that talk with that girl made him feel like he should never stop trying. Whatever it is he wanted to achieve. Luke wasn't even sure what that was, but that wouldn't prevent him from trying.  
As soon as he saw the caravan, he saw Ashton.  
He was sitting on the three little stairs that let into his uncles mobile home.  
Contrary to Luke, Ashton still had his drink in his hands.  
“Hey...” Luke said.  
“Hey..”  
He sat down besides him and the positivity from a minute ago started to fade away. He was nervous as hell and had no plan what to do next.  
“Are you okay?” he asked wary.  
“Sure.” Ashton said choppy.  
“Why did you leave?” Luke tried.  
“Dunno...”  
Silence.  
Usually Ashton took over the talking.  
Thank god Luke was a bit lit, so the socializing wasn't as hard as usually.  
“I just met.... “ Luke realized he didn't even know the name of the girl he was talking to the whole time.  
“...Rachel.” Ashton helped him out. “I had a crush on her in primary school.”  
“Really?” Luke spit out. He didn't know if he should be jealous or amused. “She just told me that she had a crush on you back then!”  
“Well... now she has a boyfriend!” Ashton said dry.  
“Would you...would you still... if she didn't have a boyfriend.. would you hit on her?” Luke stumbled over his own words and didn't think about how awkward they were.  
“Do you know what, Lukey boy... you're incredible sometimes!” Ashton sighed. “You make me hate the girl I once had a crush on the whole evening and then you come to me and ask me if I'd hit on her..”  
Ashton put his drink aside and stood up. He looked down on Luke and suddenly he looked so vulnerable.  
“Make you hate her... why would I....”  
“You've been talking to her the whole time, giggling, blushing...and I hate her for doing that with you!” he spit out and Luke sat there with wide eyes.  
“Wait... you mean you're jealous...” he couldn't believe his words. “Of Rachel???”  
“Of course of Rachel! I don't care about her any more! I care about you!” Ashton said loudly. Then he got quieter again... “I care about you a damn lot... but you don't notice at all!” Ashton turned his back to Luke and started walking.  
“I'm going back now...” he said into the night.  
 _No._  
He couldn't leave now.  
Luke stood up and called for him: “Wait! Ash!”  
Ashton stopped walking and when he turned back to him, Luke could see insecurity in his eyes.  
“You know what you said earlier in the woods!? The truth is... I wish you wouldn't have stopped at all!” Luke mumbled. He felt the heat of his whole body stream into his head.  
This was so embarrassing.  
He looked down on the ground, but Ashton stood there with his eyes wide open.  
“Are you for real?” he asked.  
Luke only nodded, still staring at his feet. He couldn't say a word. He felt all sober out of a sudden and his brain didn't even form words any more. It didn't even try. The embarrassment turned it into porridge.  
“Oh Luke...you're such an idiot....” he heard Ashton say softly. He could hear a smile in his voice.  
Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw him come closer.  
He stopped right before him and Luke felt a big hand under his chin. Ashton softly lifted it.  
“Is it okay if I continue now?” Ashton asked and even though Luke's heart was beating so fast, he felt like passing out, he nodded again.  
He closed his eyes and the next thing he felt was Ashton's soft lips on his own and his big hand holding his face tenderly.  
Their lips were making minimal movements, insecure and soft. As if neither of them were able to handle more of this sensation.  
When the tip of Ashton's tongue started to explore Luke's lips slowly, Luke felt like his knees might quit the service, so he put his hands on Ashton's waist to support himself.  
Ash took that as an invitation to lay his arms around Luke and he had to stretch himself a little to reach the taller boys neck.  
Luke could feel Ashton's heat everywhere. From the spot where their mouths touched, a heat flew through Luke's whole body. He could feel the warmth of relieve and pure happiness in his insides and even though the sun had already set and the air was fresh, his skin was glowing from the heat they were creating. Ashton tasted like beer and his stubbles tickled his skin , but Luke didn't care, because he also tasted sour from lust and that made Luke's head completely fuzzy.  
He breathed in deeply to clear his head, but he only took in the smell of Ashton's cologne and sweat and the breath of the lake they swam in and the tension of the whole day fell of off him and vanished into their touch.  
Luke lost all sense of time.  
He had no idea if they stood there for three minutes or thirty, but when they heard voices coming closer, Ashton grinned and took Lukes hand, to lead him into the caravan and sat they down on the bed on the little platform.  
None of them bothered to turn on the lights.  
It was dark like the night outside.  
They started kissing again, like it was the most natural thing in the world and if Luke had been able to form any thoughts he would have thanked the universe for this moment.  
His hand was finding its way into Ashton's curls and shyly started playing with them. He had been dreaming of doing that forever and he could feel the other boy smile under their kiss. They stopped for a short moment and looked in each others eyes.  
Ashton started to giggle and said: “I never thought I'd kiss a boy in here!”  
Luke couldn't help but blush and he smiled bashfully.  
“But I'm not complaining...” Ash continued, before it could get awkward and then he pulled the taller one closer to him and looked at him tenderly.  
“Come back here.”  
As soon as their lips started touching again, Luke closed his eyes and let himself fall into the kiss.  
Ashton's lips were warm and lingering and so very gentle. There were no doubts left in Luke's brain, they were all washed away by how safe he felt. Like this was exactly where he belonged.  
His hands wandered down Ashton's arms and started caressing his hands.  
Soon their fingers were exploring each other carefully.  
His hands were so warm and yet so gentle.  
Luke sighed into the kiss and felt his cheeks burn, when Ashton giggled quietly between their touches.  
At some point they lay down besides each other and just continued kissing. Even though it felt like they were at it for ever, Luke's heart wouldn't calm down. His breathing was deep and unsteady, just like Ashton's.  
That's when Luke thought, that all the feelings, all the insecurities and all the ups and downs had been worth it.  
Now he understood the truth behind his words earlier... because he really, from the bottom of his heart, never wanted to stop.  
He wanted Ashton to never stop kissing him, but there was one thing he just had to do.  
He couldn't resist.  
So he pulled away and bypassed the last bit of space between them to lay his arms around him and bury Ashton's head on his chest.  
He even felt the others heart beating against his body.  
The smaller boy did the same thing and wrapped his muscular arms around his torso.  
“Luke...I'm so tired...” he heard Ashton mumble and only then he noticed that he had trouble keeping his eyes open , too.  
The weight of his body was pulling him into the mattress and the rest of alcohol in his blood made him feel like he was floating.  
He had no idea what time it was, but it didn't matter.  
Nothing mattered, as long as he could fall asleep in this boy's arms.  
The caravan started to morph into an endless peaceful ocean, which waves slowly dandled him into sleep.  
But he still felt safer than ever, having the familiar body heat pressed against his.  
“Good night.” He heard a voice say.  
Then he drifted off.


	14. Brave Boy

When Luke woke up, the sun was already peeking through the windows and it took him a moment to understand where he was and to recall the events of the day before. After he managed to accustom his eyes to the bright light by blinking a few times, he had to smile.  
He couldn't believe this was real life.  
When he looked around he noticed that Ashton didn't lie beside him any more and he was confused for a moment. He decided to get up and look for him, but he didn't have to.  
The moment he stood up, the door of the caravan got torn open and Ashton was grinning through it and said way too loud: “I made breakfast! Wanna' come join us, sleepy head?”  
Was he the last one to get up? Why didn't they wake him?  
“Comin...” he yawned. He had a headache, but he couldn't care, because he was just so happy. 

After finishing his morning routine in the community toilets, he sat down with the boys, who hadn't waited for him. Most of the food was already gone, but there was a plate filled with leftovers just for him and he couldn't help but smile.  
“I had to fight for this!” Ashton said proudly. “The others would have just eaten everything up...” he glanced at the boys reproachfully.  
“It's his fault if he sleeps so long.” stated Michael and Calum agreed.  
“Don't act like you've been up that long, you literally came here half an hour ago...and ate everything at once!”  
Luke laughed, because that sounded way more like his friends.  
“Moving on....” Mikey began “I haven't told you about last night yet!”  
Luke sighed and began to eat. Ashton sat down beside him and when he thought the others didn't see it, he winked at Luke cheekily. Luke tried his best to act cool.  
He wasn't very good at acting cool. Instead he grinned like an idiot and felt his cheeks heat up.  
“But maybe... you want to tell us about your night first...” Calum grinned and Luke was so startled that he choked on his toast. He coughed and coughed, until he felt tears built up in his eyes. His friends started laughing.  
He was awake for about fifteen minutes and already the scorn of the day.  
Great.  
“You okay?” Ashton asked and when Luke looked at him, seeking for help, he noticed that Ash was blushing, too.  
“You guys are horrible...” Michael rolled his eyes and then he got back to his story.  
“So I met this girl last night and she kinda flirted with me and.... well...she turned 19 recently and she invited me to her party today!!” He grinned widely and you could see how proud he was.  
He looked at his friends with big eyes, expecting some kind of answer, but Calum started talking instead.  
“You haven't even told them the best thing, Mikey! They have a whole club reserved and we're invited! All of us!”  
“Holy shit.” Ashton said. “Not bad, Mikey!” He nodded acknowledging.  
“Yeah...” Luke said quietly. The excitement for the day turned into stress all of a sudden.  
A whole club? He had never been to a real club.  
From the moment he heard it, his mind told him to worry.  
There would be so many people.  
And he wouldn't know any of them!  
Would he have to dance? Luke couldn't dance for his life!  
And all those people...

“Where is it? Maybe I know it!” Ashton interrupted his thoughts and Michael pulled out a piece of paper with scrawly handwriting on it.  
“It's called Flow, she wrote down the address and everything. Even the bus line.”  
“Never heard of it... but let's check it out tonight.” Ash decided.  
Lukes appetite was gone. His mood started to drop, but he didn't want to let this destroy his day.  
He would be able to spend the day with Ashton and that one didn't seem to regret last night. He had to be sobered up by now and he was still smiling the warmest smile and being giggly, so Luke didn't know what he was so afraid of.  
“I'm gonna take a shower, can you guys clean up a bit?” Ashton wanted to know.  
“That's just fair.” Luke added and earned an amused look from Calum. 

Ashton caught his towel and as soon as he disappeared, the boys started to attack Luke with questions.  
“LUKE!” Michael shouted  
“YES??” Luke shouted back instinctively, scared of what they'd want from him.  
“You came out of the caravan....” Michael started, but Calum interrupted him.  
“Ashton came out of the caravan... did you guys...like... share the bed?”  
His friends were cornering him like two puppies in expectation of a treat.  
“You have to tell us everything!”  
“We haven't seen you guys since you left yesterday like 30 seconds apart from each other...”  
“Do you know how fucking curious we were the whole night?”  
“Michael even wanted to peep through the windows of the caravan.” Calum snitched.  
After a long, warning glance at him, Michael shrugged his shoulders and admitted: “Yeah, but on the other hand I really didn't want to catch you two in the act or something -you never know- and that'd be really gross.”  
Luke sighed.  
“You two are the worst!” He tried to reconquer some of his personal space and then he grinned cheekily. “But it's good you didn't look through the windows...”  
“WHAT?” Calum and Michael said unisono.  
Luke really wanted to be chill and mysterious about the whole thing and maybe let them waggle their tails a little longer, but he couldn't. The excitement about last night was too much for him, so he just burst out:  
“Oh my god guys, we spent the whole evening kissing and I... and Ashton and... oh my god, I can't believe this is real...but don't you dare tell him I told you!” Luke was out of breath and he struggled to control his feelings.  
“We talked to him already...” Michael laughed.  
“WHAT?” Luke couldn't believe them. “So you knew what happened?”  
“Nah, Ashton didn't let a thing out.. He's so much cooler than you...” Calum said and Michael burst out laughing. They high fived each other and Luke had the sudden desire to high five their faces.  
“What did you even say to him?” Luke was so excited he nearly started shaking.  
“I asked him if he shagged you...” Mikey started, still chuckling.  
“ YOU DID WHAT?”  
“But he literally just ignored me the whole time... and he told us that he'd let you decide if you want to tell us...”  
“He said that?” Luke smiled dreamily. “Can you believe how lovely he is...?”  
“Yeah, it's disgusting.” Michael answered.  
He got another high five from Cal.

“Anyway... about the club tonight. We should get that girl a present or something... what's her name by the way?” Cal wanted to know and looked at his friend eagerly.  
“Uhm... err... Now that you bring it up...”  
“You don't even know her name?” Luke interrupted.  
“Her name doesn't matter, does it? We can still get her a present!” Michael said in defence.  
“Yeah and what do we write on it. To Guenther???” Calum exclaimed angrily.  
“We don't have to write anything on it, Calum, why do you make a huge deal out of this?”  
“Because you've talked to her for hours and couldn't find out her name? What did you find out?”  
“I know that she has great breasts. Not that I've seen them, but I just know it.” Michael grinned, knowing he made them livid.  
“I need new friends.” Luke sighed, while the other two only got started in their little banter.  
He continued to clean up the table and tried to ban the paranoid thoughts from his head.  
Instead he repeated the events of the day before in his mind like a videotape.

They didn't do much that day, but laying around on the beach and even though Luke hadn't drunk that much, he felt hungover and had to nurse his head all day long.  
He wondered how the others could be looking forward to another party night, but it's not like he ever understood anything his friends did.  
When they were finally on the way to the address, the nameless girl gave Mike, Luke's anxiety called attention to itself loudly in his head.  
He sat beside Ashton and shook with his leg up and down the whole time. He often did that to handle stress or anxiety, which both tried to take over his body at that moment.  
Michael and Calum had bought a little present for the birthday girl and from what Luke could see it wasn't as bad as he expected it to be. They bought a medium sized Plush Cat with a little bow on it and a bottle of Prosecco.  
But that didn't make up to the fact that they were heading to a private birthday party in a club, with people Luke had never seen before. Probably with Music he had never heard before.  
He wasn't just nervous now, he was scared and if he could, he would go back to the caravan that split second, but that wasn't an option.  
“You okay?” Ashton asked and Luke looked at him with big eyes. He shook his head no.  
“Heeey...relax, Lukey boy!” Ashton cozied up to him and lay one of his hands on Lukes thighs. He gave him a light pressure to stop it from wiggling.  
“What are you thinking?” he wanted to know.  
“To be honest... I've never been to a club before.” Luke admitted.  
“So? There's always a first time, right...?”  
Before Luke could react, Michael turned around with a wide grin and said out loud: “Are you guys talking about your first time?”  
Calum started to laugh and Mike earned another high five.  
Ashton gave him a hard slap on the back of his head and Luke looked around in the bus, terrified that someone could've heard them.  
“OUCH!” Calum shouted. “Chill, Irwin... I'm just joking!”  
“We're trying to have a serious talk back here, you knob!” Ashton rolled his eyes and turned back to Luke.  
“Ignore them... but seriously, you're not alone and if it helps you, I'm not the club type either.”  
Ashton smiled warmly and Lukes leg started to calm down under his touch.  
“I'm sorry. I don't always want to be such a pussy...” Luke said honestly and it cost him all his courage to admit that.  
“You're not a pussy, silly. You're awsome... just tell me if it gets too much and we leave, okay?”  
“Yeah... thank you!”

Half an hour and some complications with finding the birthday girl later, Luke found himself sitting at the bar, Ashton right beside him.  
The music was deafening, but Luke noticed, that it calmed him down rather than making him anxious and he was quite grateful for that.  
Luckily they had found out that the girls name was Ashley and she seemed to love her new Cat plush, because she'd been with Michael since they arrived. Calum sat with them at the bar.  
“That's a rare sight, lads. Our Mikey on the dance floor, with a lady.” Calum sighed.  
“Yeah. Who knew stuffed animals had that affect on girls...” Ashton mused.  
“I mean... Everyone likes a cat plush...” Luke said thoughtlessly and earned two judging expressions for it.  
“I think I'm gonna get drunk.” Calum decided, when a girl besides them answered out of nowhere. “That's what I just thought.”  
She was gorgeous if Luke was honest and he couldn't help but smile at Calums excited face.  
“I'm Calum by the way...” They heard him say after a short conversation, before they went to the dance floor together.  
“Look at them little ducklings.” Ashton said and acted like he was wiping tears out of his eyes. “I'm so proud!”  
Luke laughed. He was glad that Ashton was always able to make him laugh.  
“Would it be very out of place if I asked you to dance?” He said overly formal and even bowed down a little in front of Luke. That one just blushed and even though he didn't like the thought of dancing, he definitely felt comfortable with Ash, so he nodded. They emptied their cocktails and as soon as Luke followed him through the crowd, it became clear that he wasn't the only one who didn't know how to dance. Bodies were moving to the beat, as well as completely off the beat and some guys barely moved at all, while others nearly slapped the people around them in the face.  
The music wasn't what he'd listen to privately, but it definitely fit the atmosphere and he couldn't help but really like the beat and as he watched Ashton find his way through the crowd in front of him, his muscular back in the centre of his attention, he was happy to be here.  
They started dancing and laughing and screaming sentences at each other, even though it probably wasn't worth the effort.  
Luke felt himself relax more and more and he didn't even mind, when Ash took his hands and pulled him closer to him. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe the adrenaline, maybe both of it, but he was okay with it. He just told himself that nobody would see them in this hazy mess and that they wouldn't care about a bunch of strangers holding hands, so he brushed the doubts off that tried to enter his consciousness.  
A few moments later he had completely forgotten that there were other people at all.  
He only saw Ashton and his grin and he felt his gentle grip around his hands and then a song came on that Luke actually knew. It was a remix version of a rock song he quite liked and he was super excited to sing along.  
He closed his eyes and just sang along the lines, even though they repeated more often then necessary and even though he felt like he was completely off key.  
When he opened his eyes, Ashton was looking at him differently.  
He pulled him even closer and stretched himself to reach Lukes ear, then he said just loud enough for Luke to hear it: “You are the best singer I know!”  
Luke felt his body heat increase and his self esteem built up, so he kept singing along and when the song got to an end, Ashton leaned in to him again and asked.  
“Can I kiss you again?”  
Luke looked at him in surprise, but his heart started racing at the idea of it. He couldn't help looking around worryingly though and when Ash caught him, he said: “Don't worry, they're busy!”  
He smiled and before he could say another word, Luke destroyed the distance between them with one step and tilted his head down to kiss Ashton passionately.  
He placed his hands at Ashtons waist and pressed his lips against his. Then he let go again.  
Ashton hadn't seen that coming and Luke was more than satisfied with his little surprise.  
Even though his heart was racing and he was tempted, to make sure nobody saw them, he withstood that urge and when he pulled away he concentrated on his victory smile.  
Ashton's eyes were wide open and he looked at Luke in disbelief.  
“Do you want to end me, Luke?” He breathed heavily.  
He looked at him for another moment and without a warning he grabbed Luke by his shirt and pulled him into the next kiss. The heat in the room was incredible, they were sweating and breathing heavily, but they put all their energy into their touch.  
Lukes stomach started to tingle, when he smelled Ashtons cologne again. It drove him crazy and he couldn't help but hope for more.  
This kiss was so different from the ones in the caravan.  
Wilder.  
And much more urgent.  
The tips of their tongues were dancing around each other and their deep breaths collided. Luke felt Ashtons grip, pulling him even closer. Now their crotches were tilted together. Luke could feel the ecstatic pump through his body and only now he noticed how hard he was. But he wasn't the only one. Their bulges were pressed against each other and Lukes heart felt like it might explode every moment. He completely forgot about the whole world and could only think about wanting Ashton nearer.  
Closer.  
Even tighter pressed against him.  
When that one suddenly pulled away out of nowhere.  
Luke looked up confused.  
What happened?  
“HEY!” Ashton shouted and Luke startled at the angry tone in his voice. It took him a moment to realize that he wasn't talking to him, but to a guy that was now pushing his way through the crowd, laughing. Ashton didn't loose a second of time and followed him right away, shouting things Luke couldn't understand any more.  
Everything happened so fast.  
He couldn't comprehend, what was happening, so he just stood there and watched Ashton disappear in the crowd and it took him another few moments to realize, that many eyes were set on him. Someone asked “What happened?”  
And a few others just laughed.  
Lukes heart was racing.  
No...  
Please no.  
Leave me alone.  
Don't do this.  
He was standing in a crowd of people, the centre of attention, and Ashton was already out of sight. He didn't know what happened or if these people saw him making out with another boy.  
This was the worst.  
He noticed that he started shaking and that made him even more anxious.  
Not here. Please not now.  
Then another thought came into his mind.  
Ashton.  
What happened? Where did he go?  
He needed to find him.  
He started walking into the direction they left and with every step his goal got clearer and he said to himself that he didn't have time for a panic attack! Not when Ashton could be in danger.  
That's when he surpassed himself and his anxiety and finally started moving.  
He wound through the mass of people and he even brought himself to ask a few of them in which direction the two men left. The last one he asked pointed at the men's toilet.  
Luke didn't have the nerve to think about why they were in there, he just sped up and when he came closer he already heard voices.  
“Yeah, sure faggot!” someone laughed. Luke's stomach turned, when he heard a loud bang, followed by the laughter from at least two people.  
Without a second thought he tore open the door.

His eyes searched the room for the familiar muscular stature and the golden curls. He found them in the split of a second.  
What he saw made his heart race faster than it could be healthy and he felt himself clench his sweaty fists.  
Ashton was lying on the ground, trying to pull himself up on a sink. All Luke could see was the blood dripping from his mouth.  
“Oh look, it's faggot number two!” One of the men yelled and they started laughing. Luke recognized the owner of the voice. The one from before.  
He was a tall guy, buff, looking very sure of himself. The other two weren't as threatening.  
Luke acted without thinking.  
He went straight for the one in the middle.  
Luke had no idea what he was doing, but his body moved without loosing time to think. He had never been in a fight before, and he never thought he'd be the one to mindlessly run square to a big ass guy with oily skin and spiky hair, but here he was.  
His benefit was that this one didn't expect fightback at all and so he looked quite surprised when Luke punched him directly into his stupid grinning face.  
“What the fuck.” he breathed out.  
But Luke wasn't done yet. Without letting him recover from the first attack, he reached back with his right leg and kicked him right in the gut. The Guy groaned loudly and fell down, so Luke took his chance to kick him with all of his strength right into his balls. A scream of pain left the man's mouth and his friends woke from their freeze and went for Luke. One of them kicked his legs so hard, that he felt the ground fly away beneath him and he crashed onto the cold, moist floor. He somehow managed to duck away from a kick of a the meatier one of them and he could even drag him down onto the floor with him, but while he tried to keep him away from his body, he suddenly felt a massive pain in his back and when he turned around, he saw the other one angrily lift his foot, ready to boot directly into Lukes face. But he couldn't fulfill that plan, because out of the corner of his eye, Luke saw Ashton throw his fist into his face and knock him out with just one hit.  
Then he heard him yell with a voice he had never heard before: “DON'T YOU DARE DO THAT YOU UGLY BASTARD. AND YOU, LEAVE HIM ALONE OR I MIGHT KILL YOU I SWEAR TO GOD! NOW FUCK OF YOU PATHETIC ASSHOLES!”  
Luke tried to stand up, but his view was blurry and his whole face was pounding with an immense pain. It was burning and stinging, like someone had hit him with a hot iron.  
He stumbled and fell down again, but a moment later he felt himself being pulled up by a pair of strong arms and as soon as he stood on his feet again, he just followed whoever was dragging him with them. As soon as the bathroom door closed behind them, Luke was attacked by a wave of music and voices. And heat.  
He had to fight to stay conscious. He concentrated with all the strength that was left in his head on putting one foot in front of the other and following the steps of his leader.  
His face kept pounding and one of his eyes was watering and if he had nerves to concentrate on anything other than walking, he would've noticed a warm fluid running down his cheeks.  
The alcohol in his blood didn't make the process of movement easier for him. It only reminded him that he had lots of reason to vomit, after getting kicked in the back like that.  
But the good thing was, his back didn't hurt at all. That was good, right? That had to be good with all the other body parts hurting like hell.  
The pair of arms kept leading him and he kept following, trying to distract himself from his afflictions.  
Then suddenly a wall of fresh air hit him out of nowhere and he stopped.  
It was only now that he realized how urgent his stomach needed to empty itself and shortly after that realization everything he drunk and ate recently, found its way up his gullet. He heard it splashing on the ground and with that part of his mind that was ridden by anxiety he thought “hopefully nobody saw that.”  
He heard a voice ask: “Can you sit down?”  
He followed the voice and now he dared to open his eyes, even though a cutting pain spread through his whole face.  
He only could see clearly through one eye and he wasn't surprised that the first thing he saw was Ashton's worried face.  
They sat down on a big stone at the side of the street, where they were completely alone. It was dark outside, it had to be one or two in the morning and the air was cold.  
“How do you feel?” Ashton broke the peaceful silence.  
“Like I have to throw up again.” Luke answered truthfully. “What about you? You look horrible!”  
“Well...probably better than you.” Ashton said with the worried expression from before. “What the fuck were you thinking. You saw three men standing in front of you and thought 'hey let's just run at them'?!!” Ashton said, like it was the absurdest thing in the world.  
“Well it worked...” Luke defended himself.  
“Yeah...it did. But you hurt yourself...” Ashton said gloomily and leaned closer to Luke.  
He gently started wiping the blood away from Luke's face with his fingers.  
“It's not deep, just a little cut under your eye.” He told Luke, but he still looked like it hurt him way more than the one with the wound.  
“It's all right... but do you want to tell me what happened?”  
Luke still didn't understand how things escalated so quickly. The last thing he knew was that he was dancing with Ashton, when that one suddenly pulled away and chased that guy through the crowd.  
“That asshole took my money. First I thought he was just grabbing my ass, but then he took my whole wallet.” Ashton seemed to get angry again.  
“So I chased him and he went into the bathrooms, where these other ass knobs were waiting. Then they called me names and shit, so I tried to get my money back with force.”  
“But they were too strong...” Luke concluded.  
“There were three of them!” Ashton protested. “I can handle one of those, but not three!” he paused.” So they beat me and that's where you came in and went berserker. “ Ashton grinned.  
“Do you know how hot you looked?” He whispered and Luke felt the blood rush into his head. He felt like his face looked like a pallet of a lot of colours at the moment.  
“Shut up!” He gave him a little slap on the arm. “I'm going to look for Michael and Calum now!”  
Luke stood up and was about to start walking, when he felt Ashton grab his wrist.  
“Lukey...”  
He turned around and looked into big eyes, a serious expression in them.  
“Yes?”  
“Thank you.” Ashton said completely seriously: “I don't know what would have happened, if you didn't help me!”  
“It's all right, Ash... I..” Luke tried to brush it off, but Ashton didn't let him.  
“NO, Luke, I mean it. You always think you're a pussy or weak or something, but that's not true. You saved my ass and you didn't even hesitate a second! You are braver than most people I know!”  
“Ash...”  
“Come here, you hero...” He smiled and pulled him down by the collar of his shirt, to kiss him fondly. It was a short, fleeting kiss, but Luke's stomach became a fizzy mess of butterflies and his heart was rioting in his chest.  
He forgot about the pain in his body and breathed in the fresh air for a moment.  
A feeling of pride and happiness took over his whole body, because Ashton was safe and he was able to protect him and he was so grateful to have this boy in his life, that he would always come to his rescue, no matter how strong the enemies were and how little the chances.  
He'd always give his everything for Ashton.  
They unwillingly let go of each other.  
“Let's get the others and leave...”


	15. Back Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprise, I am still alive. Thank you for bearing with me somehow!  
> I know it's been forever but I really want to update and I'm gonna! Just give me time D:  
> Thank you so much for reading and enjoy reading this chapter.

“Luke, oh my god!” His mother called out, when he saw him approaching the front door. “What happened to your face?”  
Luke sighed loudly, even though he knew exactly that this would happen. There was no way to avoid this and he prepared for the worst.  
His friends dropped him off in front of his house and left, before they could get into any trouble themselves.  
So it was only Luke now. Him and his swollen eye and the other small injuries, that probably wouldn't go unnoticed by his mother.  
He could also feel his back by now, where the guy kicked him. It was an immense pain and the last time he checked there was a huge bruise. He couldn't quite move the way he wanted, because it would hurt too much and he thought it might be the best, not to tell his mother about that.  
  
“Can I come in first?” Luke said and his mother let him, still an expression of shock on her face.

“Sure...” she hugged him briefly and he clenched his teeth when her hand brushed over the aching area on his back.  
Then they went in.  
It wasn't quite easy to tell the story without the main plot being him and Ashton slow dancing together, which attracted these assholes in the first place, so Luke stuttered around and his mum just didn't seem to buy any of it.  
“What did you think? You said it was going to be a nice holiday with your friends and then you come back with bruises all over you! How am I supposed to trust you at all?”  
  
It was a long conversation, but it ended with him getting house arrest for two weeks.  
This was a joke.  
Half a year ago she would've paid him good money if he went out with friends or did something teenagers are supposed to do and now he's forbidden to do these things.  
House arrest wasn't that bad, if it didn't include seeing his friends...and Ashton.  
He missed him already and they only just said goodbye.  
The only thing that cheered him up a bit was the nicely wrapped present in his hand, that Ash had given to him, shortly before they left.  
He told him to open it on Christmas.

 

When Christmas was finally there, he couldn't wait to open Ashton's present and so it was the first thing he did in the morning.  
It had to be something soft and Luke had an idea of what it could be.  
So he unwrapped it carefully and the first thing he saw was a card with a black and white picture of Nirvana on it. The band was smiling into the camera and they all wore silly red Santa hats. The hats were the only thing in colour.  
Luke laid the card aside and took out the main present. His assumption was proven true, because he was holding a black T shirt in his hands.  
Luke was smiling so broad while looking at it and when he read the white letters on it, he had to chuckle.  
"You complete me(ss)"

Luke sighed.  
He actually thought that was a genius design idea and when he tried it on and went to look into the mirror, he found that it fit him perfectly. This was the best gift he received all day. Simply because it came from Ashton.  
He was smiling so broad, his face started to hurt.  
You complete me...mess...me...you complete me... did Ashton mean that?  
When he went back to his bed, he took the card again and inspected it further.  
He turned it around and looked at a lovely, round handwriting.  
  
_Merry Christmas, Lukey Boy! I hope you like the shirt. I thought of you when I saw it._  
 _Have a great day!_  
 _ASH_

Luke read it over and over and with every time he got happier.  
He thought of him? He actually thought of Luke when they were not together!

Luke spent most of his time in his room and even though he wasn't happy about his house arrest, he enjoyed being alone again. He needed the time to think about everything that had happened and that was a lot. He hadn't seen Ashton since the party.  
He missed him.  
The good thing was that he could finally concentrate on doing school work again, which was really necessary. He really needed to get his grades up if he wanted to pass.  
A week later, when school started again he saw Ashton a few times in the hallway. Sometimes they talked a few moments and these were usually the best minutes of Luke's whole day.  
The only thing his parents allowed him to do outside the house was going to band practise, because they knew how important it was for him.  
So Luke was pretty excited to go to the first band practise after their break. He'd finally see Ash again and they'd finally have more than five minutes together.  
He had felt bad for not having any presents for Ashton, so he prepared one to give to him at band practise. It wasn't anything special, not quite as cool as the shirt and not as genius.  
It was a simple spiral-bound notebook with a pretty cool photo of The Ramones on it.  
  
The four dudes, who looked a little bit like horses, because of their long messy hair, were posing with some guitars and Luke thought that they were probably stoned at that moment, but it's The Ramones, so it would've been hard to find a photo where they looked sober.  
The colours were pretty unique, but that was about it...really not very special.  
The evening before their band practise, he sat on his bed, looking at the notebook and thinking of a way to make it look less random.  
  
He decided to write his late Christmas wishes onto the first page, but that turned out to be more difficult than he imagined.  
What the hell should he write to the boy he made out with several times.  
To the boy he considered his best friend at the moment and to the one boy all his thoughts were about nowadays.  
He couldn't help but wonder what kind of relationship it was they were having right now. They never really talked about it, because the opportunity just hadn't occurred yet .  
  
They liked each other.  
At least that's what Luke told himself all the time, whenever he was unsure again. And they kissed each other. They even danced together and Luke would never have thought that there was a person in this world that could bring him onto the dance floor.  
Ashton managed that!  
Ashton also told him that he cared about him. Those were pretty couple-like things, Luke thought. He hesitated.  
Were they a couple? Did Ashton think of them as a couple? Or was Luke interpreting too much into it. From everything he knew, all of the things they did were things couples did.  
He was getting nervous now, even though he was just trying to fill the first page of the notebook, so it wouldn't look that empty.  
  
How should he even start?  
_Dear Ashton??_ That's way to formal.  
_Hi Ashton..?_  
_Hello?_  
Maybe just: _Ashton_.  
He sighed and let himself fall on his bed. Why was this so hard? Luke always thought that writing was the one thing he was okay at and he felt confident when doing it, but this boy changed everything.  
His head was working on low flame when he thought of him and it made him feel stupid and weak. But it was also so exiting.  
He wanted to do his very best and be the best person possible for Ashton and wasn't that a good thing?  
He was so lost in his thoughts that he startled when his phone started ringing out of nowhere.  
It took him a few moments of hectic searching until he found his phone and his heart nearly stopped beating when he saw Ashton's name light up on it.  
„Hello?“ he said and his voice nearly broke.  
„Luke..?“  
„Yes..?  
„Hi there! It's me, Ashton.“ the other one said and Luke just thought 'Yes I know that, my whole body told me that it's you' , but he didn't say anything, because he didn't know what.  
So Ashton started talking again:  
„Luke? Can you hear me?“  
„Yes, sorry! I can hear you!“  
„Okay...are you okay?“  
„I am. Why shouldn't I be?“  
„Because you aren't talking, silly!“ Ashton chuckled.  
„Sorry!“ Luke said and he wondered why he had to be like this.  
„I just wanted to make sure that you haven't forgot about band practise tomorrow!?“  
„No, I'll be there.“ Luke said.  
„Cool. I thought, because of the house arrest and everything...“  
„I managed to convince my mum to let me go. I told her how important socializing is and she couldn't really argue..“ Luke told him and Ashton started laughing.  
„That's quite cheeky, well done!“ he giggled.  
Luke smiled.  
Silence.  
His heart was still pounding, but he had been smiling since he heard Ashton's voice.  
„So... how did you like my Christmas present?“ that one said expectantly.  
Luke could've punched himself for not thanking him earlier.  
„It's so cool, thank you! And it fits perfectly.“ he said.  
Ashton sighed relieved.  
„Oh thank god, I was afraid you hated it or something!“  
“No, it's great!“  
„I wanna see you wear it some time, alright?“ Ashton said and for some reason Luke was blushing at his words.  
„Okay.“  
Another silence.  
„Then see you tomorrow?“ Luke asked. He didn't know why. He didn't even want to stop talking, but he just didn't know what else to say.  
„Yes, see you tomorrow...“ Ashton paused and after a short moment he continued „and Luke... I missed you...“ Ashton's voice was quiet, but sincere. Luke missed the moment to say something. Like ' I miss you too.'  
So Ashton said goodbye in his usual cheerful voice and they hung up.  
It was quiet again, but Luke could nearly hear his heart beating. Ashton actually said that he missed him.

I miss you too, Luke thought again and again.  
Why couldn't he just be a bit braver, a bit more outgoing? Why was he always such a wimp?  
Then he remembered what Ashton said to him after their little fight at the club. „You always think you're weak or something, but you are braver than most people I know!“  
lLuke breathed in deeply.  
And then he sat down at his desk and wrote onto the first page of the notebook, that was still laying there, waiting for him to come back.  
  


_Ashton,_

_I'm sorry I'm so late with this, but merry belated Christmas! I hope you had a happy one._  
 _Thank you for the Shirt, it's genius! It's kinda perfect for me, isn't it?!_  
  
_This notebook is my present for you. Maybe you can use it for writing lyrics or something? Remember? You said you'd show me one of yours some day!_  
  
_You know, I'm usually not that bad with words, but it's different with you... Everything is different with you. And words are still easier to write down than to say out loud. And I'm sorry that I am like this! I wish I could say things out loud, but I'm just not very good at it. It scares me. And I'm only able to write all of this down right now, because you told me I was brave. I can only do this thanks to you and you're the only person I could do this for..._  
  
_The truth is that I've never been in a fight before, but it wasn't scary at all. The only thing I was afraid of was you getting hurt. And that's what you do to me. And a moment ago, on the phone, you said you missed me. And again I didn't say things out loud._  
 _I don't want to hurt you by not saying things out loud...So I'm gonna write them down instead._  
 _I miss you too! I missed you so much the last few days. I wished you were here._  
 _The moments when I saw you in school were the highlights of my days!_  
 _This is so awkward, I am sorry. But this is what you do to me._  
 _Let's just hope I can actually bring myself to give you this present tomorrow, because I'm really not sure about it._  
  
_Don't laugh at me, okay?_  
 _Luke_  
  
  
He wrapped the present and put it in his backpack.  
Then he went to sleep.  
  
The next day, when he was on his way to school, he could feel the weight of his letter in his bag. It was pressing against his bruise and every step hurt.  
He could feel it dragging him down and the whole day he was trying to figure out how he should bring himself to give it to Ashton.  
He decided a hundred times not to do it at all, and he decided differently the same amount of times and it was an up and down.  
Before the first lesson started, a group of students stood around his desk, asking him questions about his black eye and the mostly healed cut under his eye.  
„Calum said you were in a fight!“ A girl grinned expectingly. „What happened?“  
„Erm...it wasn't that big actually...“ Luke shied away from her question.  
„Cal said you were protecting your princess, what did he mean by that?“ Someone said and the others laughed. Luke's whole face turned red at once. That idiot. He hated Calum. Why were his friends like that?  
„Did he mean your girlfriend?“ A guy asked.  
„No, it wasn't like that... It was just... someone tried to steal my wallet and I just kinda protected myself...“ he lied and looked into disappointed faces. „Oh okay...“  
  
Finally the lessons started.  
He couldn't concentrate on the school stuff at all, because he spent the hours imagining scenarios that could happen at band practise later that day. The bad ones, like Calum and Michael finding out about his sappy letter or the ones where Ashton would laugh at him. Even a scene, where Ash told him this all was a big joke or a bet with friends or something like that.  
Then Luke reminded himself that he needed to be brave for Ashton and that it was just a letter.  
All he needed to do was give it to him. Then it was out of his hands and whatever was about to happen would happen.  
The hours plagued him and he had to tell the story about his black eye many more times, while all he could think about was Ashton.  
He was stressing so much about the present that he felt physically drained when the school bell finally rang.  
He met up with his friends and they were waiting in front of Ashton's classroom for a while.  
  
Luke gave Calum the silence treatment the whole time, because he hadn't forgot that he called Ashton his princess in front of others- What was he thinking?  
After just five minutes Calum started crawling back to him and apologizing.  
„Come on, Luke! I said I'm sorry. It was just too tempting and they didn't even know who I was talking about. What's the big deal?“  
Luke looked away.  
  
„You are pathetic, Cal.“ Michael said. „You need to stand behind your words like a man! Don't beg for mercy like a fool!“  
'“But I hate it when he doesn't talk to me!“ Calum whined.  
„I am talking to you! Isn't that good enough?“ Michael said, acting offended.  
„But I didn't want to upset him!!“  
Luke sighed. This was too annoying.  
„It's okay, Cal. You can stop begging now.“ Luke said.  
„THANK YOU LUKE! I'M SORRY!“ Calum said happily and Michael rolled his eyes.  
„Fricking amateur...“ He said under his breath. „You're so high up Luke's ass, it's disgusting!“  
„I know...“Calum sighed and then he grinned „I'm so high up his ass, I'm gonna greet Ashton's dick from you...“ he said and Michael snorted with laughter.  
„CALUM OH MY GOD!“ Luke slapped him „I'm never gonna talk to you again!“ Luke declared and just in that moment the door to Ashton's classroom opened and he was one of the first ones to come through it.  
„Nice one!“ Michael and Calum high fived.  
  
Luke was red like a tomato and he couldn't look Ashton in the eyes when that one joined them.  
„Let's go!“ He whispered and got going. The others just followed him. Calum and Michael were still laughing and when Ashton asked „what did you guys do to him this time?!“ Luke turned around and looked Calum straight in the eyes. „Don't you dare tell him!“  
Luke stayed silent the whole walk to Ashton's house. He couldn't believe these guys. But the main reason was that he felt the weight of the notebook in his bag again.  
  
At some point Ashton joined Luke on the way and wanted to know „How's your eye doing? And your other bruises?“  
It was the first time that day this question sounded sincerely concerned and not just nosy.  
„It's alright. Getting a lot better.“  
„How about your back? Did you go to the doctor?“  
„No, it's not that bad. It's just a bruise.“  
„Okay...You'd tell me otherwise, right?“ Ashton said and looked down on his feet.  
„I guess.“ Luke said.  
They went along in silence for a while and when they could already see Ashton's house he said:  
„You look pretty rough with the black eye, I bet the girls liked it!“ he laughed and then he joined the other guys again and left Luke confused and flustered, wondering what he was trying to say with that.  
  
When they arrived, Luke took his bachpack into the garage with him, instead of leaving it in the house like usually.  
Everyone was setting up their stuff and Michael and Calum were talking random nonsense, like always. Luke wondered if he should give the present to Ashton now. But he didn't want the others to see it.  
As if they had heard his thoughts, Calum and Michael went back into the house to get something to drink and they left Luke alone with Ashton, so he figured: If not now, when?  
He took all of his courage and tried to ignore his heart pounding in his chest.  
„I... I have a late present for you, too...“ He said quietly and Ashton looked up from his drums, he was playing a lazy beat on.  
Luke stretched out his arm which held the little package, so Ashton could take it.  
„Thank you! You didn't have to... but thank you!“ He smiled widely. „Can I open it right now?“  
Luke's heart was racing. „If you want to...“  
  
He tried to calm down, while Ashton was opening it. It seemed to take him forever, as he tried not to ruin the wrapping paper.  
Luke had to sit down and he acted like he was tuning his guitar, even though it was tuned on point. He just couldn't dare look at Ashton. There was no turning back now, no ducking out like he'd like to.  
„The Ramones!“ Ashton called out „That's such a cool picture!“ Luke heard him say and he felt a bit dizzy.  
„Where'd you get it?“  
„Uh... Some store, I don't remember, but I thought you'd like it.“  
„I do! It's awesome! Thanks!!“ Ashton's voice sounded actually happy.  
Then Luke saw out of the corner of his eye, that Ashton opened the book and his heart managed to pound even harder. He saw it.  
„Oh, did you write that?“ He heard and all he could bring out was a weak „Mh-mh.“  
Then silence.  
Such a painful, seemingly never ending silence. Luke looked down at his fingers, that were lying on his guitar. They were trembling and his heart was beating so hard now, he feared Ashton would be able to hear it.  
It felt like minutes were passing and Luke wasn't ready for whatever would come next.  
Then, out of nowhere, the door got torn open and the sound pulled Luke back into reality.  
  
„Okay we can start guys!“ Michael said and Luke was so relieved to see him. He thanked god for Michael Clifford in that moment, as he would not have lived through that silence any longer.  
He looked over to Ashton, who was still staring at the page he probably already read.  
Luke was so glad he did not have to face the consequences right now. Or talk about it or anything.

He couldn't bring himself to look Ashton in the eyes, but he felt his glance on him.  
They started playing like usual, but it soon got pretty obvious that Ash wasn't quite with them. He made silly mistakes, forgot the notes completely and just messed up the easiest parts.  
After a few failed attempts to get warm with their instruments Mikey sighed.  
„Not quite your day, is it?“ he said, after they had to stop again because of Ashton.  
„That's not it... I'm sorry guys, can we have a little break?“  
„Already?“ Cal asked.  
„Yeah, Maybe I need to eat something first. I'm gonna make some sandwiches or something, do you guys want one?“  
„Sure...“ they all said.  
„Can you help me out, Luke?“ He added in the most casual tone possible and just vanished quickly.  
  
Luke's friends threw knowing looks at him. „Royal problems?“ Mikey asked with a raised eyebrow and Luke just ignored him.  
He had no time or nerve to get mad right now. He was absolutely scared of what would happen next. Ashton seemed so tense and like he had to control himself, Luke feared that something in the letter had made him angry.  
After putting his guitar down and breathing in deeply he followed Ashton. He assumed he'd be in the kitchen and that's where he found him.  
Luke stopped walking and stood awkwardly in the door frame.  
„Come in.“ Ashton said shortly and made a few huge steps towards him and as soon as Luke was in the kitchen, Ash closed the door behind him.  
  
He stood in front of Luke and he was breathing heavily.  
Then he overcame the space between them and Luke stumbled back against the closed door.  
„You... you mess with my head...“ Ashton breathed out, still seemingly trying to hold back something.  
Luke felt his heart rebel in his chest, like it was about to pop out any moment and he had to swallow. Ashton was so close now, he could smell him. He could feel his breath on his skin and he could nearly grab the tension filled air.  
Ashton looked into Luke's eyes, searching for consent and Luke nodded and the next seconds Ash pressed his body harder against Luke's, not wasting any time with ender approaching.  
  
Before Luke knew what was happening, his and Ashton's tongues were playing with each other and their mouths were moving hasty. They were both breathing heavily into each others mouths.  
Luke felt the heat in his body turn up. No matter how close they were pressed against each other, it wasn't enough. Luke wanted to melt into Ashton's grip.  
His insecurities weren't existent in that moment. All of his senses were fogged by lust and he couldn't taste enough of this boy. He felt his blood rushing through his whole body.  
  
Without thinking, his hands wandered down Ashton's outer thighs and with all of his strength he lifted the smaller boy up and placed him on the counter beside the door. Ashton was so shocked, he stopped the kiss and just looked at Luke from above, sitting on the kitchen counter.  
„Holy shit, Luke.“ He said completely out of breath, before he pulled him closer again, wrapping his legs around Luke's waist.  
Luke felt one of Ashton's hands grabbing his hair and one wandering down to his butt. He felt Ashton's crotch pressed against his own and it nearly took all the strength out of his knees.  
The taste of their lust filled saliva made Luke forget where he was and he concentrated on the noises Ashton made. His breath was unsteady and short and it drove Luke crazy.  
  
Meanwhile Ashton's hand wandered away from Luke's butt and onto his stomach, where he played around with the buttons of his flannel shirt. He had to bite his lip, not to let out a sigh, when Ashton's hand slowly found its way under Luke's shirt.  
They broke loose and looked each other in the eyes, foreheads pressed together.  
And Ashton's voice nearly broke, when he sighed: „We need to go back to the garage, you know?“  
But his words didn't match his actions at all, because his hand was still exploring Luke's stomach, wandering up and down, giving Luke shivers all over his body.  
„I don't want to.“ Luke whispered.  
„Me neither.“ Ashton said.  
They started kissing again, a little bit gentler, but still longingly and Luke's hands were sitting on Ashton's hips, unsure if he should let them go on an adventure or not.  
Then Ashton pulled away again. „Let's continue this another time, okay?“  
Luke just nodded. He knew this couldn't get any further right now, but he was surprised at how disappointed he was. He wanted it all and he wanted to be thoughtless a little longer. It was new to him that he felt this passionate, but he couldn't think about anything but wanting to continue, no matter where this would lead. He felt so ready at that moment.  
  
Ashton kissed him again and then his voice got all serious, when he said „Can I see the bruise? The one on your back?“  
„I guess.... Luke answered and he turned around slowly and Ashton pulled him closer, so he could help him pull his shirt up as far as possible.  
Luke felt the cold air on his bare skin and Ashton's warm hands on his body and he couldn't believe how much he trusted this boy.  
Ashton, still sitting on the counter was carefully examining the bruise and didn't say a word.

His fingers stroked softly and slowly over the aching area and Luke enjoyed the touch. It sent shivers all over his body.  
„I'm sorry...“ Ashton said out of nowhere. „I should have never got you in that situation.“  
„Ash...“  
„You had nothing to do with it and if I wasn't that weak, you wouldn't be hurt now.“ he said with a hurting voice.  
„Ashton...” Luke turned around again, after he put his shirt back down. „There were three of them! Nobody would have stood a chance!“ He looked him in the eyes and what he saw surprised him. Ashton looked so vulnerable all of a sudden. What was this?  
„Hey...it's alright! You don't have to think about it any more!“ Luke continued.  
„I just.... I want to protect you....” the other one sighed. “I guess, that's what you do to me...“ he smiled softly and Luke blushed a bit when he understood that Ashton was quoting his letter.  
„You make me fuck up every single song in band practise, too!“ he shook his head. Then he breathed out loudly and let himself slide down from the counter.  
„...which is waiting for us by the way. We should quickly put some sandwiches together!“  
They stood there for another moment and then Ashton gave Luke a quick kiss and said: “We'll continue this, okay?” and Luke nodded eagerly.  
  
It would be an understatement to say that he was excited.  
He could not wait for it!  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading.  
> If you liked it at least a little bit so far, please leave a comment or kudos.  
> It would literally mean the world to me and it would motivate me so much to keep writing! Also if you find awkward mistakes or something, don't be afraid to tell me. (:  
> Love you lots <3


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